Very Disturbing Dreams :(

These past few nights I have been having really disturbing dreams. If the following description of my dreams is going to give you nightmares or upset you then just stop reading now. For real. They are sick and horrifying to think about...but this is MY blog where I get to let out what I need to say. I'm warning you. I just feel like I need to write them down somewhere and get them out of my head before they make me crazy. I wake up in the mornings and recall the dreams and they really eat at me and mess with my head. They make me sad and sick and basically just ruin the start of the day.

The first dream, well...I can't remember how it started, but basically my family had Mackenzie's body wrapped up in a sheet. We unwrapped her and it was obvious she'd been dead a while because her skin was just falling off all over. We were trying to clean her up and we washed away the skin with a water hose (we were outside). Then my mom was trying to get a piece of grass or something off of her face but ended up peeling a piece of the skin off of her face, too. My mom started to get really upset but I was calm. I told her it was ok...let's just keep cleaning her up. There was a bin of clothes and I decided to pick out an outfit for her to be buried in and while looking in the bin I remembered the closet of hers...full of clothes...and I decided I wanted to go look there. I wanted everyone who saw her to think she looked beautiful. Then my mom reminded me that we already had her funeral quite a while ago...and that no one would be there this time when we buried her. I just really wanted people to be there. I really wanted to make her look beautiful for everyone to see. And that's all I remember...

Last night I dreamed I was pregnant with our second baby (the one we lost due to the recent ectopic pregnancy...who I secretly call Skyler and refer to as a boy b/c that's what I think it was) and that, like Mackenzie, Skyler had died and I had to give birth to him anyways. Only it was obvious that I wasn't very pregnant. It was just like my ectopic pregnancy only instead of surgery I had to deliver him naturally. I delivered him at my house and he looked like a little tiny tiny tiny baby...but definitely a baby. Not just a little round thing like in the pictures I have. I held him and he was very white, not discolored like Mackenzie had been. I thought he looked perfect and I just held him and admired him. I wanted to show him off to my mom but she wasn't coming quickly enough so I went to get here and left Skyler there. Before I found my mom I had some paramedics check me to see if the placenta came out too and it hadn't so they delivered that real quick. Then I went back to find my mom. When I found her I told her to come see him and that he was so beautiful. I also told her I wanted to dress him up in an outfit with a hat and socks, too since I didn't get to dress Mackenzie. She told me she'd hidden all the clothes when Mackenzie died so I wouldn't see them and be sad and that she'd have to get them out but that it would take a while. I was so annoyed and I told her that by that time he wouldn't look this way anymore and that he would be purple and discolored from being dead so long. It still took her forever to get the clothes out, but then I picked out the outfit, hat, socks, and diaper and took them to where I had left him. It was only then that I realized that all of these things were infinitely too big for him. He was like the size of a Barbie doll...this wasn't going to work but I was going to try anyways. When I went to where he was I couldn't find him and my husband told me they'd already buried him. I was pissed. I didn't get to dress Mackenzie and I didn't get to see her before they buried her so I was not going to let them take that from me with Skyler so I had them dig up his coffin. Not only did they dig up his, but they dug up Mackenzie's too. They opened the lid to her coffin and I was surprised at how much better she looked than I'd excepted only they had put a wig on her that was ridiculous and I was really confused at why they would have done that. I was going to go ahead and put a hat on her as well, but I decided to just leave her as she was. I tried putting the clothes on Skyler but of course they were outrageously too big so I just wrapped them around him. Instead of having them bury Skyler and Mackenzie separately again, I had them place Skyler in the coffin with Mackenzie because I thought they'd like that. When they went to situate them together Mackenzie's legs were moving and it was just freaky. I knew even then that she wasn't alive but it was weird that she was moving anyways. And that's pretty much all I remember of that dream...

So they're sick, right??? WHY am I having these dreams??? The dreams do have truth to them. Mackenzie did have a circle of skin missing from her right cheek when she was born. It was like that when they handed her to me though. It's not like we did that to her or anything. I did not dress Mackenzie while I had her in my arms. She was wrapped in the hospital blanket but I never dressed her because in my shock it did not occur to me to do so. I also did not see her in her coffin because my parents told me they thought I should remember her the way she looked in the hospital and that she looked really different and not like herself and I agreed (in the shock I was in at the time). I'm so sick of having these dreams. I live my daily life knowing she's dead and that she's buried...why do I need to face it in my dreams, too??? Especially in the morbid way of seeing her body in that condition...in and out of a coffin??? Can I not have the luxury of dreaming of her alive or at the very least not dream of her at all? When I'm awake I can control my thoughts and not let my mind wander to those sorts of things. When I'm asleep my mind is out of control. I don't even know why I'm having these dreams all of the sudden. Nothing has happened to spark this kind of insanity. Am I the only lunatic having these horrible dreams about their precious children?

:::sigh:::

Just a Thought

I was thinking the other day about my friends that are pregnant right now and how I like that I can still give my input and advice to them (only when they ask of course) because I have been pregnant and I already know what they are going through. I went all the way. I went a week past all the way. I know "pregnant." After that though, once they have their babies...I'm out. I'm out of the loop. I have no idea what it's like to have a baby to raise. I don't know what age babies do what. I don't know what's "normal" at all the stages in their lives. I'm useless after pregnant.

But then something else hit me. Hard. The thought that...these girls probably don't even want my advice, do they?? Why would they want advice from someone who got it wrong? Someone who did NOT bring a live baby home. Someone who buried her child. Someone who lost the next pregnancy after that even. These girls probably take what I say and do the exact opposite! They probably laugh behind my back at all the things I did or didn't do with Mackenzie because they obviously did not work. She's not here. All of my avoiding lunch meat, tuna, diet soda, artificial sweetners, fetta cheese, baths (I took showers), etc. Well, as careful as I thought I was being she died anyways. I guess if these girls are thinking this about me then I can't blame them. Who would take advice from someone who didn't get the outcome everyone wants? Would you take driving lessons from someone who totaled their last two vehicles? Yeah, me neither.

So that just fucking sucks. I don't know pregnant either. I know what it was like when I was pregnant and I can share my stories but what good are my opinions and facts and advice since they failed me??? I'm useless.