July 4th

This day two years ago was one of the worst days of grieving Mackenzie. I had a cute little 4th of July dress picked out for her and the sight of it in her closet full of unworn outfits shattered what was left of my broken heart. It was also the first day I left the house alone postpartum. My grandma had a stroke the day Mackenzie died and since July 4th is her birthday I went to the rehab hospital to see her. I hadn't even pulled out of the driveway and I was sobbing uncontrollably. I just kept thinking about how i should have a baby in the backseat. I'm crying just thinking about it. Those were some rough days. I felt so lonely. On the way there I had to pass the cemetery so I stopped. I couldn't bear not to stop but knew I shouldn't because I was already a wreck. I just went out there and cried and cried. I kept thinking about that little outfit at home and how she'd never wear it. I finally made it to the rehab hospital to meet up with my family but I still couldn't stop crying. We weren't supposed to upset my grandma so I barely pulled it together long enough to make an appearance but I had to leave quickly. I cried all the way home and didn't stop there. That was a really bad day.

Today we celebrated my grandma's birthday at her house. She's recovered so much in 2 years. So have I. I'm not over it by an means...I'm crying like a baby right now in fact... But today Paisley wore that 4th of July outfit for her sister and it meant the world to me that I could finally see it worn. Paisley didn't replace Mackenzie, and when I was pregnant I thought I'd never let paisley wear many of Mackenzie's clothes...but now I feel like it's a tribute to Mackenzie. It's like she's there with us, too because I remember her when I see those special outfits. I'm so very thankful for Paisley as she has brought me joy I couldn't have imagined possible. It's all so bittersweet. I'm just glad it's more sweet than bitter 2 years later <3

You are always on my heart Mackenzie! Mommy loves you deeply & eternally <3