So I have this group of girlfriends...there are 8 of us. We've known each other since high school...some since elementary & preschool. Anyways we all hang out still and I was the first of the group to be pregnant and of course Mackenzie died. Now another girl in our group is pregnant and my heart almost fell out of my chest when I found out. I would have burst into tears but I was at work when I found out. I'm so upset that I won't be the first one to have a baby in our group. It's not fair. I was pregnant. I should have been the first. I really hoped to get pregnant again before anyone else but looks like that's blown to hell. I really didn't need this right before thanksgiving.

Hey there

Just checking in.

I'm doing ok. My best friend in the whole world (since 6th grade) Shannon had her second baby boy the other day! She's practically the only person left in this world (besides baby loss moms) who I can still feel completely happy for with no bearing upon how it relates to my loss. She's the best person I know and has been a better friend than I probably deserve. She and her husband deserve nothing but the best or better! Welcome little Ben :) See you in January!!

Mike and I stopped by the cemetery late one night this week (like 10 PM or later). We sat on her bench (have I shown ya'll her bench?) and I cried my eyes out. I haven't cried like that in a while. I'm sure my hubby is grateful that those days are father apart than they used to be. All I could say as I cried on his shoulder is that I'm sorry and that I feel like such a loser. Look at all these women we know having babies left and right with not even the tiniest complication and the baby I carried DIED. He was married before me and has two kids (8 & 5) and I just feel like maybe he's thinking "great, now I ended up with a woman who can't give me kids..." That's how I feel at least. I feel like a loser, a failure, incompetent, etc. WTF is wrong with me that I couldn't get her here safely??? She was alive and well for 41 weeks...seriously...that's a long ass time. What did I do on that last day that caused her death? I guess I'll never know. Anyways, what a change for me though. I'm a TOTAL scaredy cat about everything in the whole world. It's so funny that I would sit at a cemetery in the dead/dark of night and not be scared or freaked out. A lot of things have changed...

I've been busy trying to start my mini-business (http://theheavenlyladybug.etsy.com/) so that has kept my mind off the holidays a little. Sucks that Mackenzie is not here (understatement) because I LOVE Christmas. I'm sad that I'm going to be sad during my favorite holiday...and for the rest of my stupid life. I've been buying "Baby's First Christmas" stuff anyways because I can. I can do whatever I want...and rightfully so!? :) My sweet friends have shown an interest in the necklaces I've been making. Not sure if it's out of pity, but it's appreciated nonetheless. I'm going to venture out and go try to sell some stuff at a local craft show...maybe this Friday (if I can get off work in time). If not, there's definitely one I've already sent my deposit off for on December 5th. Kind of excited to see what I can do! I've promised to donate a portion of my proceeds in Mackenzie's memory to MEND (my support group). It's my first small step to doing something good in her name. If I could just figure out how to use the freaking sewing machine Mike's grandma gave me I'd like to make items to donate to hospitals. We're both clueless at sewing though so it's pretty much at a stand still.

Here's a picture I just found. It's me last December and this was supposed to be Mackenzie holding the snowball as I was about 2 months pregnant :) It NEVER snows in Texas so we were so pumped this day! It was Mackenzie's first and only snow. Glad I took this pic. Wish I could be that happy girl again. Wish I could wear that jacket or those pants again...sigh ;)

It wasn't bad at all

My friend Lacey had her baby, Lyla Jo, on Friday the 13th at about 12:10 PM. She weighed 7lbs 11oz. I did great great great with it!! I'm so happy for myself because I had been worried about it for months. I actually held her a lot and it was ok b/c it felt nothing like holding Mackenzie. My sweet baby was 9lbs 7oz, so it felt immensely different to hold a baby who was 2 lbs lighter. That made it easy b/c I can still feel the difference...I can still feel Mackenzie's weight in my arms when I think back to the day I met and held her. She was chubby and I was so proud. I'm still so proud. Nothing against "skinny" babies, but I feel more comfortable holding fat babies because they feel less "breakable." Anyways, I'm rambling, but I just wanted you guys who were thinking of me to know that I made it and it was actually enjoyable. I really believe that God is allowing me some peace right now and allowing me to face these events with ease while still remembering Mackenzie fondly. Actually, in Lacey's hospital room, the bag that the hospital had all her stuff in for after the birth had ladybugs all over it. It gave me a special moment to know that Mackenzie was there with us when her friend Lyla was born. Lacey even gave me a super cute ladybug thing to put on my ladybug shelf for Mackenzie. She said she bought one for Lyla's room and one for Mackenzie. That was really sweet of her!!

On another note, I'm really trying to get into crafts. I'm working on making scrabble tile necklaces, bottle cap necklaces, magnets, clay figures, birdhouses, etc. I'm hoping to make coin purses/make up bags & possibly baby bibs with the sewing machine Mike's grandma gave me today :) Here are pics of the birdhouse I made:

Anyways, I'm thinking of opening up a shop on Etsy and also selling at craft fairs. Any ideas for a name for my "business" ??? I was thinking "Krafts for Kenzie" but since I don't call her Kenzie I was hoping for ideas that are cute and include her name or even ladybugs... Also, does anyone know how to make banners for Etsy or buttons for Blogger? I need a banner on Etsy to make my shop look good and I suck at that sort of thing. Let me know ladies! :)

I'm at the hospital in the room waiting for my friend to have her baby. I'm doing fine for now because no baby is present. Let's hope I can maintain my composure today. I'm happy for her. I'm also very anxious for that to be me.

I'm currently on vacation with my hubby at a bed & breakfast in a small town of cute little shops. I've been buying things to improve my craftiness. Kinda hoping I can sell on Etsy or something. Anyways, this time away is nice & there aren't any babies here. LOL Well they are scarce anyways. Pics coming soon!

The Secret Garden Meeting (October)

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

Mackenzie was stillborn coming up on 5 months ago. It feels like an eternity and yet it feels like it's flown by. That's very strange to think about. I'm feeling relatively good, actually. I definitely have my breakdowns, but for the most part I try to remember that she's with me always now. I try to see the good in her short life and count my blessings. I guess for me it helps to know that I will be reunited with her in Heaven one day, although it often feels like that will take an eternity in itself to get here. Mostly when I'm sad, I'm sad for ME not her. Because I'm a Christian and believe in Heaven, it's definitely comforting for the most part that Mackenzie is in the best place she could be. If she could choose, she would stay there and I don't blame her. I'm sad for me and for what I'm missing and for what could have been. My birthday just passed and I did well until the end of the night at home with my hubby when I broke down in tears thinking of how different this birthday should have been...or at least it's not what I imagined on my birthday last year when I was newly pregnant with her. So much about my birthday (and life in general) would be completely different if she were here. It's sad to me that we did "the usual" for my birthday because Mackenzie's not here to "ruin" our plans. I don't mean "ruin" in a bad way...FYI. So, yes, I've found some peace but only by the grace of God. I'm not sure why He's being merciful and gracious to me when I've still not clung to Him like I should. Maybe He's giving me time. I hope in the future that I can continue to feel joy in knowing that Mackenzie is with me in my heart and with God and with other babies gone too soon. I also hope in the future I will have found a way to reach out to others in this circumstance. I want Mackenzie's life to have meaning through me. I'm not sure what it is, but I think that this experience has purpose and that there is something I am meant to do as a result of her death. I know it's early still, but I hope I find my way in this sooner than later.

Reminder

***I posted about this before and I'm still very interested in doing this. I've received 6 e-mails from baby loss moms so far. If you're in any way interested please send me an e-mail with your info (no matter where/what country you live in). Sometimes I come across things that remind me of specific babies and if I have your information I'd be happy to mail it to you. No pressure, but please know the offer still stands***


I want to be able to send a card or something special to baby loss moms (particularly around the time they lost their baby/babies). I've been working on being crafty lately so maybe I'll make something for you...who knows. I don't have anything in particular in mind, but I would like to be able to remember your baby/babies with you. If you are willing, post a comment with or e-mail me (ashley.frederickson@yahoo.com) the following info:

Your baby's name(s)

The date they passed away (if different than their birthday, include their birthday as well)

Your name & address

If nothing else, I at least hope to be able to send you a card. I know it would make me feel better for someone (anyone really) to remember Mackenzie at anytime...especially on her birthday/angelversary.

Today, Nov. 5th is my 25th birthday. Although my hubby is working hard to make me feel special, I can't help but think about how this birthday "should" be. Mackenzie should be in my arms. Instead I'm spending the first of many without her. This time last year I was newly pregnant with her. What a shitty difference a year makes.

I am so stupid!! What was I thinking?? I watched "Dr. G Medical Examiners" about a baby, not realizing the show is about autopsy. I now know what Mackenzie's autopsy was like and I hate myself for doing it. If I would have known or been in my right mind... I'm in the process of crying myself to sleep now & praying for no nightmares. I'm sorry Mackenzie. I'm so sorry. I love you!!!