The Suspense Is Killing Me

For those of you who were watching and waiting for an update, I'm sorry...I just got the news myself. FINALLY at 5:08 PM (after 2 earlier calls to the office) the nurse called me to say that my levels were still rising. It's unbelievable to me that my HCG levels are still rising which apparently means I'm pregnant, and yet they have no clue where the baby is. So they are having me schedule an appointment with the hospitals imaging center to see if they can locate the baby through a more in depth ultrasound. I really don't get it. How can you be pregnant but no one can find the baby??? Bad enough that I had a baby and no one could find a heart beat...but when the baby is missing? That's crazy. So now I have to wait AGAIN and make the appointment in the morning and hopefully they can get me in to have the ultrasound tomorrow because otherwise it's the New Year's holiday coming up. I called my mom to tell her (I'd been avoiding telling her because...well...you know) and she sounded disappointed. That's all I ever do anymore anyways, isn't it? Let my family down? I can't bring their first grandchild into the world safely and now the second chance rainbow baby is lost somewhere in my womb...if it's there at all. My life just gets crazier and more unbelievable by the minute. I'm still bleeding off and on and no one seems to care about that. I mean, I had some bleeding with Mackenzie but it was less than this. I can't believe the rollercoaster ride this has been and I've only known I was pregnant for like 2 weeks. I didn't know this was what I was signing up for when I was trying to get pregnant. It wouldn't have stopped me...that's for sure...but it's definitely taken me by surprise. I'm trying to remain optimistic and don't get me wrong...this is the best news I could have gotten given the three options I had...it's just insane. I am thankful to have been able to get pregnant at all, but it's getting pretty hard to believe that I could actually be pregnant. Despite the bloodwork AND the 10's of pregnancy tests I've taken so far (including one last night) the fact is that pregnancy = baby, and yet mine is invisible.

For those of you asking, they did bloodwork and I should have an idea tomorrow. If the #'s are still rising it's a good sign, if they leveled off it could mean tubal, if they've decreased it's chemical. The ultrasound showed the tiniest black dot but I remember what my first ultrasound with Mackenzie looked like and that's not it :(

There was like nothing on the ultrasound. So either I'm super early pregnant, chemical pregnancy, or tubal pregnancy. Seriously, nothing can be normal for me. If it's tubal, it's the worst. I half expect it to be that with my luck. Aghhhhh!

Woke up bleeding this morning. I'm waiting to be seen at the doctor now. I'm about to have my first ultrasound since Mackenzie died and just praying this one is not bad news. Why can't anything be normal? I'm worried that something is wrong after I've told my family and some friends. Ugh.

I Did It

I went ahead and told my family that I am pregnant (against my better judgement/baby loss messed up brain). They were thrilled. Pretty much everyone was hysterical and in tears. It's been a long Christmas day, but I'll tell you how I did it. I got a cute little card that said "You Know What??" on the front and inside I taped in a picture of Mackenzie on one side & a cute little picture of two owls that said "I'm going to be a big sister." I gave the card to my dad in his Christmas gift because I knew he wouldn't be in hysterics after reading it and could pass it on to my mom. I made the right choice, for sure. When my mom finally read it you couldn't understand what she was saying because she was crying so hard. My dad was crying. My grandma was hysterical (which was a little scary because she had a stroke when Mackenzie died and I didn't want her blood pressure getting outta control). Even my grandpa was crying. I was crying too, but not only with happiness...also with fear. Telling everyone means they are in on it too now. If I lose this baby, they endure another loss as well. I'm scared this time if something happens my grandma might die since the news about Mackenzie caused her to have a life altering stroke. I just don't want to let anyone down, and yet I'm helpless. Honestly, nothing I can do at this point could change the fate of this little life. It's in God's hands and I'm trying to trust him. I'm trying to take care of myself and eat normally (instead of indulging like last time). It's just scary because I haven't even had my first ultrasound. I don't know for sure that this little baby is even alive in there. I pray to God there is life in my womb, but there is always that chance...as we all know too well. I'm not sure I really knew what I was asking for when I wanted to get pregnant. Don't get me wrong...I wouldn't trade it for anything because I so desparately want to start our family...it's just hard. Every single little twinge I feel in my belly makes me think the baby has died. That it's cramps and I'm miscarrying. Although I haven't actually had any cramps whatsoever...just gas, haha. I appreciate all your prayers and warm wishes and hope you continue to pray with me...it's going to be a long road.

My Christmas was much better than I expected. We stopped by the cemetery after visiting Mike's family and before going to see mine. We left Mackenzie a poinsettia we got a church on Christmas Eve. I cried, of course, thinking of how unfair it is that I (and other baby loss moms/dads) have to visit my baby at her grave site instead of video taping her "opening" gifts in her Christmas pajamas. We actually saw another couple in "baby land" at the cemetery when we were there which is the first time I've ever been there at the same time as another family. When they left we walked over to their baby's grave to see the dates out of curiousity. They had left birthday and Christmas balloons. Their poor baby was born on Christmas day and died a week later. My heart broke for that mom. What a double whammy. Christmas and her baby's birthday on the same day. I cried for her and her family. I pray that she made it through the day with some peace.

At my parents house, it was so beautiful because my mom had gotten a present for Mackenzie. She said she just couldn't leave her out. I cried my eyes out of course. She had put a little penguin ornament that said "Jesus Loves Me" on it with the picture of Mike, Me, and Mackenzie in it (the one that is my profile pic). It was just precious. Mackenzie's gift was a cute little ladybug piggy bank :) I am so thrilled that Mackenzie had a present under the tree at someone elses house. I didn't put one under the tree for her, but I did buy her a little mug with her name on it and put it under her little tree (unwrapped) and I put a pinwheel with a ladybug on it (from my friend) in her stocking.

I love you so much Mackenzie. So much of my heart is with you in Heaven...I hope you feel that. I know you know that I think about you all day every day and I hope you know how much you mean to me even now. I do wish your first Christmas could have been in my arms, but what better way to celebrate Jesus than to be in His presence. You are so loved by all baby girl and we haven't forgotten you...we never will. This baby in mommy's tummy will not & cannot replace you, but I hope you'll watch over your little sibling and guide his/her way into our arms. Merry Christmas precious angel!!

Love, Mommy

I don't know if I can handle being pregnant again. Every day I'm sure this baby has died. I noticed a little pink blood earlier. I was supposed to announce the news tomorrow but now I'm too scared to tell them if the baby might die. I don't go for an ultrasound til Jan 6th. I'm freaking out already and I'm not even 6 weeks preggo.

:) :) :) I'm really pregnant!!! :) :) :) My blood work confirmed that the hormones doubled like they should and I just need to schedule my first ultrasound! What a relief! Thank you God :) What an amazing Christmas present!!

I did the extra bloodwork today but I have to wait til Monday for the results. Gonna be a looong weekend! They're apparently checking to see if this pregnancy is "viable." I hate that word by the way. And I can't figure out why they would assume it could possibly not be viable. They did give me rhogam (sp?) in case it is "viable" :-/

Here's the link to the free doppler rentals for baby loss moms: http://tinyheartbeats.org/index.htm

It must be true. The bloodwork came back positive for pregnancy. I'm too afraid to be very excited. They want me back in there tomorrow for more bloodwork to make sure I'm not miscarrying. Wish they wouldn't have mentioned that. I don't think I am...no signs. But I'm scared anyways :(

6 Months & The winner is...

Bree @ My Baby Butterfly Ella

Congrats Bree!!! I think I already have your address, so I'll get that right out to you! :)

Today is Mackenzie's 6 month anniversary/birthday. Wow, 6 months? It's felt like a lifetime and then it's felt like it was yesterday. This Christmas is lacking the joy that only a smiling baby could bring and I am really feeling it. My husband and I were planning to get a ladybug tattoo on her 6 month, but doesn't look like I'll be doing that just yet. Beautiful, beautiful little lady...I love and miss you everyday!! Stay close and keep sending those ladybugs :)

***On a side note and update to my last post: I took 2 more pregnancy tests this morning (like the psycho that I've apparently become) and they were both positive. I'm still waiting to hear from the doctor, but I can't imagine they'd say anything but positive. I'm cautiously excited! This is exactly what I wanted for Christmas!! I'm just too scared to embrace it just yet. Feels like one wrong move could send this glimmer of hope right out of my womb. I told my husband last night that I'm going to be a complete FREAK if I am pregnant...well, here's hoping he knew what he was getting into!***

PS~I want to buy a doppler (like the kind they use at the doctor's office to check the baby's heartbeat). Does anyone know of a good one and where to get it?

Unbelievable

Seriously. You are not going to believe the day I had.

After all that talk in my previous post last night, I woke up this morning with a weird sensation in my belly. I don't know how to explain it...kind of like heartburn but lower...like actually in my belly. It's been happening randomly for a couple weeks. Anyways, with that weird feeling and a prayer...I took one more pregnancy test. Wouldn't you know...immediately POSITIVE. What?!? I started freaking out because, although my period hasn't shown up, I have had some bleeding off and on for a couple days so I was SURE I was miscarrying. I called my best friend real quick and freaked out to her a little bit and then I immediately called my doctor (not my doctor with Mackenzie...one I've found since then). I told them that I literally just took the test and it was positive and that I had been bleeding and that my last pregnancy was a stillbirth and that I was freaking out and that I needed to come in right away (in a run on sentence just like that, too! ha). That was at 8:30 AM and they asked if I could be there by 9 AM and I said yes. I turned off the shower...no time for that now...dressed and ran out the door. I was freaking out the whole way there. My stomach was in knots which made me think I was cramping (...miscarrying). When I got there I had to wait a little while and I had to "use the restroom" because my stomach was so upset over all the freaking out. I accidentally peed without giving a "sample" but at that point I was like who cares. By the time they called me back and asked for a urine sample I told them I couldn't do it. I'd already peed 2 times in the past hour!! They asked me to try anyways, so I did and amazingly I was able to do it. The doctor came in a while later and told me that the urine sample/pregnancy test came back NEGATIVE and that she believes my home pregnancy test was a false positive. FALSE POSITIVE!??!?! You're kidding me!! That has got to be suuuuper rare...and of course that kind of shit would happen to me. I can't have a normal life anymore...it always has to be something. So she checks my cervix to make sure it wasn't open (which apparently would signal that I was miscarrying). It was closed so she sent me to get my blood drawn for a blood pregnancy test to be sure I was not in fact pregnant. The results should be in tomorrow morning (12/17 ~ Mackenzie's 6 month anniversary).

All of that being said, I decided to calm down and just be happy that I wasn't pregnant at all rather than having a miscarriage. I went to work and had a normal day, but since I'm insane I stopped by the store on my way home and got one more pregnancy test. I took it as soon as I got home. It was one of those ones where one line is "not pregnant" and two lines is "pregnant." Well, after a minute or so I saw a second line...but it wasn't as dark as the first line. I had no intention of telling my husband (he didn't even know what I had done all day) but when I couldn't decide if my line was dark enough to be considered positive I went in the kitchen to show him. He thought it looked pretty positive, so I called my best friend to discuss it with her. She thought it sounded positive, too. My husband and I decided to go to the store to get another digital...just in case. (The first one I took this morning that was positive was digital) Anyways, we got another test but I'm not going to take it until the morning.

I sort of wonder if the doctor's test was a false negative since that was my third time to pee in an hours time. I can't imagine there could be too many hormones left in there after that many times. I feel a lot better thinking that I might be pregnant because the bleeding has stopped.

So, can you believe it? What a day! I've taken 3 pregnancy tests and 2 were positive...those odds seem ok. I really want to be pregnant but I just can't let myself go there fully yet. I'm waiting to see what the doctor says about my bloodwork in the morning. I'll keep you guys posted, but apparently there is hope that I'm pregnant....

Struggling

***My 25 Days of Giveaways post is right under this one...sorry, I should have posted that one last so it would be the first one you see***

Forewarning: this will be a jumbled mess of thoughts...

These past three days I've been really emotional and kind of depressed. First of all, shopping for Christmas presents for my stepchildren over the weekend kind of ate at me. I should have been buying cute little baby clothes, stuffed animals, blankets, toys, etc. Obviously I have no reason to now, so I steered clear of that section (with the exception of shopping for my best friend's boys). Then on Saturday at the family Christmas party (where I should have been showing her off to the family) I got an e-mail from one of my good friends (also from this group, so that makes 2) telling me she's pregnant. I'm happy for her, we've been friends a long time, but I'm still so sad for me. God I feel selfish...but I can't help it. Pretty much ALL of my girlfriends in realy life have babies/children now. I feel like the black sheep of this mommy club. I don't fit in because I don't actually have a baby to parade around, but I did have a baby. I really wanted to get pregnant again before anyone else had the chance. My body obviously hates me though because I missed my period on the 7th and yet I'm not freaking pregnant. What kind of shit is that? I've spotted a couple times in the past 3 days but nothing like a regular period. This is a pretty sick joke that the universe is playing on me. I called the doctor and asked what to do because I don't want to wait around for my body to get back on track. I'm desparate to get pregnant again...more than ever...and I can't have a non-cooperating body. They told me to take another pregnancy test this weekend to make sure I'm not pregnant and then call to make an appointment. I'll take the freaking test (again) but I'm 97% sure I'm not pregnant. What's crappy about this whole ordeal is that I actually thought I might be pregnant. The only other time in my life that my boobs have hurt me was when I was pregnant with Mackenzie. When my boobs started hurting last week I was secretly excited thinking, this is a sure sign. Then I was randomly feeling nauseated and that never happens to me (only when I was pregnant). Also, I'm super emotional. Granted, that's to be expected from us baby loss moms, but I've had it together for the past 3 months or so. I freaking LOST IT last night with my husband. He pissed me off/hurt my feelings so bad because he went walking with my newly pregnant friend when the entire time we've been together (4.5 years) and even when I was pregnant he refused to walk with me. He tells me he can only run, not walk, because he walks all day at work...and since I hate to run...we did neither. When that fact hit me, I called him and cussed him out (classy, I know). He got home and I let him have it again. I was yelling until I just started crying and eventually it turned into uncontrollable sobs. It really wasn't about the walking (that was a small part of it...it still pisses me off a little bit) it was just about Mackenzie and how much I miss her and how shitty this holiday season really feels without her. My support group sends a bi-monthly newsletter and moms submit birthday acknowledgements that are published. I read one from a mom to her twin boys who died 13 years ago. That hit me like a ton of bricks. THIRTEEN years ago....and she still misses them. I'm not saying I don't think she should miss them...for 13 years and forever...it just really hit home that there's a lot of years ahead of me to live without my daughter. If 13 years seems like a long time to me, how am I going to do it if I live to be 100? That would be 75 years without her...thinking of her all the time...crying myself to sleep...seeing other children her age and knowing that would/should/could have been us. That's a LONG time. It's overwhelming...it's daunting...I'm freaking out a little bit. I know it will get better with time, but that piece of my heart is never coming back. I will always miss her. How much does it suck that the rest of my (our) life I will spend without being complete? It puts tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat just thinking about it. And my hysterical crying fit made my husband "worry" about me...which I have mixed emotions about. I'm glad that he's concerned, but I felt like he might have been concerned for himself as well...like he's got to live with this mess of a woman for the rest of his life. I mean, I did say over and over through tears that I hate my life and that I'll be sad forever. I didn't mean I'll be a wreck for the rest of my life. I just meant that a part of me will always be sad...am I the only one who feels that way? How could I not be sad about this forever. Sure it might feel less sad down the road but it will never go away. Anyways, he always tells me that he's here for me and he really is, but I think he might be drifting towards "ok woman, get ahold of yourself." I'm not sure that I can. Right now I feel really out of control of my emotions. It's the first time that I've worried about myself actually. Maybe things will settle down after the holidays, but you can be sure that a similar breakdown will occur on Christmas day, if not before and/or until then. I don't know how to stop it.

25 Days of Giveaways!! (Day 20)

First of all, THANK YOU to Tina at Living Without Sophia and Ellie for putting together the "25 Days of Giveaways". If you are just now learning of this event, Tina has arranged with several lovely ladies to offer a creative giveaway for 25 consecutive days this Holiday Season. This giveaway is only open to baby loss momma's ~ but even if you aren't giving anything away you are still more than welcome to enter to win :)

I chose to give away this beautiful ornament because when I saw it in the store (Target) I fell in love with it. I actually picked it up and admired it on several different trips to Target but decided against it each time because I thought it was too much to spend on an ornament. It really wasn't that much money, I don't know what put that in my mind. Anyways, my husband and I were back at Target over the weekend and I noticed the section of these ornaments and went over to find it but they had sold out. I was kind of sad about that, but my husband said we could look for it at another Target near us. Luckily, I did find it at the other Target and snatched it up :) Then, after I'd already gotten home and hung it on my tree I thought that it would be a nice thing to giveaway...soooo the next day I was back at Target and found the LAST one of these ornaments! I hope you all like it :)

I actually think it's a Snowbabies ornament...apparently that's a collection by Department 56. As you can see, it's a little baby with angel wings holding a precious red bird.

If you can't tell, the wings say "tis a gift" (left) "to be a mom" (right).

This is the view from the back

I really do feel like it was a gift to be Mackenzie's mommy, no matter what. I would do it all over again knowing the outcome because she touched my heart in a way I could have never imagined. I had no idea what it was like to love that much until her and really she is a piece of my heart...a huge piece that is forever missing (until we are together again in Heaven).

You don't have to say anything special to enter my giveaway, but if you're up to it I'd like to hear a quirky thing about you and your baby(ies). I'll start:

Mackenzie went with me (in utero of course) to my first ever New Kids on the Block concert!! It's so neat to me that we shared that together (even if she was too small to hear any of it yet). If you don't know who NKOTB is...you need to! LOL My husband will think I'm a nut...well, he already does. NKOTB was a popular boy band back in the 80's when I was like 6 and I was IN LOVE with them. They made a come back last year as 35-40 year olds and it was like I was 6 again. I went to their concert and screamed and sang along like a school girl. It was AMAZING and I'm glad I shared it with Mackenzie. I'm SURE she would have been a Jordan fan, too :)

I will keep this giveaway open until Thursday (12/17) morning whenever I wake up :) Not sure how I'll choose the winner (random.org or having my hubby pick a number). Good luck to all!

Mackenzie's First Christmas

This Christmas definitely isn't going to be what I dreamed it to be. This time last year I was newly pregnant and on cloud 9! I couldn't have been happier to be pregnant and it made Christmas so sweet!! My mom bought me an awesome Coach diaper bag and my grandma got me the matching wallet & makeup bag. The only thing I've used of the three is the wallet. I never got to use the diaper bag :( I was so excited about that diaper bag and I didn't want to dirty it before it was time to use it so I kept it in it's pouch and hid it in my closet not to be used until Mackenzie was here. Well, she's not here and that diaper bag is still in it's pouch on the shelf in my closet. Just one of MANY things I never got to use. Luckily (?) it's not gender specific so I could use it with any other baby we may be blessed with, but I wanted to use it with HER!

Of course I wanted this Christmas to be soooo soooo soooo different, but here's what I've done for Mackenzie on her first Christmas (so far). I hope she likes it :)

This little ladybug followed Mike around ALL DAY at work on Monday :) He brought her out to the cemetery to leave for Mackenzie!

This is Mike's little ladybug friend on Mackenzie's Christmas tree :)

I wish I was buying her a Christmas dress, Christmas pj's, Christmas presents, etc. but I guess decorating her grave will have to do...