Blog Question: Is there a way to restrict my blog to where only people I allow to see it can see it WITHOUT restricting the people who are already my followers?? People IRL are starting to find my blog and I'm not ready for that (Valerie & Shannon...Ya'll are ok!). I know I can restrict to only invited readers but I don't want to kick off my current followers. Any suggestions??

This evening has been terrible!! Mackenzie's headstone came in but it's all wrong and now we have to wait all over again for them to fix it. I'm freaking devastated. When I saw it I just cried. I know they are going to fix it, but it's just that we've already been waiting for it for so long. Thursday will be 3 months since we said goodbye to our beautiful baby girl and I'm tired of her grave being incomplete. This is one of the last ways we can "parent" her and it's making me feel like I'm letting her down. I just want it to look nice for her. I can't stand looking at only grass where a headstone should be. But mostly I guess the worst part is that there has to be a headstone at all.

Plus after that I made the mistake of telling a sales person at the mall that I had a baby recently and of course she asked how old my baby was. It was the first time I have been asked that question since she died. I got the words out..."well actually she was stillborn..." but after that I was just shaking and couldn't put together a coherent sentence for a while.

I can't believe this is my life. How did I end up here? Why do I have to live without my child? Why now, at 24 years old, so I have to live the rest of my life tainted by this loss? This will forever color my life, and not bright and cheery ones either. Green with envy comes to mind. What did I do to deserve this? Better yet, what did Mackenzie do? That one I can answer: NOTHING. She didn't do anything to deserve this because she never even got the chance to.

Catching Up

I haven't blogged in a while, but I'm still here. I still read everyone's posts religiously I just haven't found the time to write my own (plus my husband has been hogging the computer). I read the blogs off my iPhone, but to post on there takes forever because it's not the easiest thing to type on. That being said, this post will probably be a lot of random thoughts thrown together.

I've been doing pretty good lately. I was fortunate enough that an old friend of mine put me in touch with a friend of hers who is a baby lost mom, too. We had been e-mailing back and forth for a couple weeks and then on Thursday she and I brought our husbands and met up for dinner. It was kind of like a blind date...haha. We'd never met or anything so we really didn't know who we were looking for when we got to the restaurant. It was awkward at first (naturally), but quickly we all got to talking and it was sooo nice!! It was my first time meeting someone in person who shared this unfortunate experience. It was great, really. There was some sort of relief in being in the presence of a fellow mom (and couple) who is living this same nightmare. I can't describe it. Just know that it was good for me...good for us. The best part overall though, for me, was that Mike got to talk to another baby lost dad. I've had you lovely ladies of blog world since about 2 weeks in, but Mike hasn't had anyone at all except me & my parents. He may read my blog, but he hasn't had any interaction. I was so glad that they were able to talk openly about their experiences...we all know how good it feels to share the feelings that we have (especially the ones that make us think we must be crazy) and have someone affirm them. It lets you know that you're not alone, you're not crazy, and that it's natural to have those feelings. I really wanted that for Mike. I'm not sure exactly how much they talked about because she and I talked amongst ourselves a lot, but in any case I'm glad he had the chance. I really liked them in general, as people...not just as a couple who had loss in common. I hope we can get together again and maybe be real life friends. I don't have a lot of friends as it is...would you believe I can be kind of mean & bitchy? Sometimes I wonder if that's why Mackenzie was taken from me...but I digress. Basically I just don't make friends easily. It takes a lot for me to let someone new in. She actually invited me to her support group and I'm planning to go with her on Thursday. The support group is also putting on a Walk to Remember on October 10th that I'm excited about. I'm also scared because I can just imagine what kind of mess I'll be on that day, but I totally want to go to honor Mackenzie and to let her know that she will never be forgotten.

Some people found this hard to believe but I went to a baby (girl) shower today. Under any other circumstances I would have excused myself, but this is one of my best friends. She was the only friend that came to the hospital when I was having Mackenzie. She sat by my side for a long time after we'd said goodbye to Mackenzie and it wasn't pretty. Not only was I a mess emotionally, but I was a mess physically too. I had a 3rd degree tear, rip, episiotomy, whatever you want to call it and I was in pain. She sat next to me while I tried forever to (and eventually did manage to) pee in a bed pan for God's sake...now that's a true friend. She went with Mike to get me dinner from Luby's that night. She came back to the hospital the next morning and helped us pick ourselves up and walk out of that hospital empty handed. She went by the pharmacy to get my prescriptions and then she came to the house and sat in bed with me & we watched a movie. I wasn't exactly watching seeing as how I can't even remember what movie it was. I'm not even sure if I could have done that for her if the situation was reversed. Not that I wouldn't, but I don't think I would have known what to do or how to be there for someone like me. She was just there and her presence just helped me feel a little tiny bit normal even though for the most part I was feeling like an outcast (among other things). All the while, she was pregnant herself. She must have been scared and uncomfortable, to say the least. We all know how it feels to know more than we ever wanted to about what can go wrong in a pregnancy. She just treated me the same as ever and that was the best gift. So that is my super long explanation of why I attended this baby shower. If she could be there for me through something as horrific as the death, delivery, and goodbye to my first born child, I could surely manage to be present and happy for her in her first pregnancy. I just prayed the whole way there that God would just guard my heart and help me keep it together during the shower. I made a deal with God that if he helped me to get through the baby shower without breaking down, that I would be more than happy to spend the rest of my day miserable and crying if that's what it took. Well, thankfully I got more than I bargained for. I had a good day all the way through. I didn't even cry at the cemetery. The only time I really felt like I might lose it was when she opened a gift and it was the same ladybug receiving blankets I have for Mackenzie. I had to look away. I think she knew because she put it away quickly. But overall it was a nice time. I love when I have days where I can be happy remembering Mackenzie, even though I'm so sad. I was trying to explain to a friend of mine what it feels like to be sad all the time, even when I'm happy. How my grief is always present like a shadow or a grey cloud above my head. I don't have to explain that here though. If you're reading this you probably know first hand. I just don't always want to think of her with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. It's nice to just rejoice sometimes in the simple fact that I was lucky enough to be her mommy, in how beautiful she really was, and that I created her with the love of my life/best friend. Mackenzie gave me the best gift I've ever received, a love like I've never known. Before Mackenzie I didn't think it was possible to love something or someone this much. It's my love for her that keeps my broken heart from shattering irreparably. I can only imagine how that love would have grown had her little life not been cut so tragically short.

On another note, I'm approximately 30 lbs. from my goal weight. I made this goal for myself and I've told myself that I will not ttc again until I have met (or come really close to) that goal. Some people don't understand why I don't just go ahead and get pregnant again now and then lose the weight all at once after that. I just see that as a bigger obstacle in the future. If we are lucky enough to get pregnant again and even luckier to bring that baby home...I highly doubt I'll be spending much time focusing on getting the weight off. Unfortunately right now I have all the time in the world. I just don't want to doom myself to being overweight for the rest of my life. I want to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight (or really close to it...haha) and focus on staying healthy and only gaining the recommended amount of weight next time. I don't ever want to see the numbers on the scale that I did when I was full term with Mackenzie. It was astronomical for me. My husband understands. He knows how I am about my weight. He tells me I have a "complex." He doesn't care what I weigh (or at least that's what he says). He was so awesome during my pregnancy (and still is) and he made me feel sexy and beautiful no matter what the scale said or how repulsive I felt. Believe me, losing this weight has nothing to do with how my husband feels about me...it's about how I feel about me. Ok sorry for the rambling about that. The point is that I have 30 lbs to go and 3.5 months to lose it (because my plan is to start ttc in January). I can't wait to try again and yet I'm terrified. I remember reading a blog a couple months ago where she said that until the fear of another loss outweighs the desire to have a living child at home, that she will keep trying. That's where I'm at right now. I have so much motherly love pent up and I just need to be able to pour that love into another child of mine, of ours. As scared as I may be, I have so much more to lose if I don't try.

The Blissful Beginning

*I haven't been able to put together the next part of "Our Story," so I decided to jump to a different time. I want to remember my whole pregnancy from the blissful beginning to the tragic end. For now I'll write about whatever time I'm able to until the story is complete.

Before I found out I was pregnant I had a second job. I was working at a grocery store from 6 to midnight about 4 nights a week for extra money. It was ok at first, but I began to get exhausted and just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m not proud of it, but when I decided to quit I just didn’t show up for my shift that night. I went home and was going to take a nap instead. Before I got settled at home, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I didn’t think I was pregnant at all, but I wanted to start taking my diet pills again and wanted to just make sure I wasn’t pregnant before I did. Just to be safe. It was the end of September, and we had gotten married a little over 3 months before in June and I stopped taking birth control at that time. My mom had a lot of trouble getting pregnant with me (I think it took her about 7 years) so I wanted to start trying early. I figured it might take me a while as well. Plus I had been on birth control since I was very young to help control cysts on my ovaries and I was afraid it would take a while to get out of my system.

So I took the pregnancy test as soon as I got home from my full time job at around 5:30 pm. It very immediately read positive. I was in disbelief. I wasn’t even taking the pregnancy test to see if I was pregnant, I was taking it to confirm that I was not pregnant. I didn’t even know what to do. I called my best friend, Shannon, immediately and told her that it was positive and asked her if she thought it could be true. She said if it was positive then it was most likely true. She mentioned how they recommend you take the test in the morning because the hormone levels tend to be stronger and that if I was taking it at 5:30 pm then it was probably accurate. Then I started to panic a little because I had been sick the whole week before and was taking cough & cold medication every day. I had also had some alcohol a few weeks before (after the hurricane when we didn’t have electricity for 13 days). She told me not to worry. We both couldn’t believe it. I had been very adamant when we were growing up that I never wanted to have kids. When I met my husband, Mike, he already had two kids and seeing him as a father really softened my heart and I changed my mind. I was excited about the prospect of having a baby with him one day.

I decided to wait and take another pregnancy test the next morning just to be sure and until then I wasn’t going to tell Mike. That night I joked with him and asked what he would say if I ended up being pregnant soon. He teased me and said, “I’d ask you who the father was because we don’t have sex enough for it to be mine.” He was joking of course. Well, he was joking about it not being his baby. He was serious about the sex part. I kind of felt the same way. I honestly didn’t think we’d been doing it enough for me to be pregnant either. I had been working two jobs for about a month and a half, so we barely saw each other. Plus we had just endured a serious hurricane which left us without electricity for almost two whole weeks. It was so miserable around here because in Texas the summer heat lasts most of the year, well into what should be the fall. During those weeks we only had sex one time and that was the night we were lucky enough to borrow a generator and an air conditioning unit from some friends who had gotten their electricity back. Prior to that I was so hot and miserable I didn’t even want him sleeping close to me.

The next morning before I left for work I took another pregnancy test. Positive. Wow. I still found it hard to believe, but I accepted that it was true. I decided I’d tell my husband that night. On my way home from work that evening I stopped and bought one more pregnancy test. This time I got the digital one. I needed to see it say the word “positive” to make sure I wasn’t misreading the other two tests. I took it when I got home and it didn’t take long and that little screen read “Positive.” When Mike got home I told him I had a surprise for him. I told him to sit down on the bed, close his eyes, and hold out his hands. Once I was sure his eyes were closed, I went and got the three pregnancy tests, put them all in his hands, and told him to open his eyes. I was so nervous. He looked at his hands. It took him a few seconds to figure out what he was looking at and for it to really register in his mind.


“You’re pregnant?” he said.

“I guess so. They’re all 3 positive” I replied.

“Yay!” he said very awkwardly.

I could tell he was in shock. I was so worried about how he would react. I knew he would be happy about it, but neither of us thought it would happen so fast. We hugged and kissed. He asked me if I was going to call Shannon and I told him I already had, yesterday. He should have known. I had also told Lacey, my other really close friend, so when he said he wanted to tell someone too I couldn’t say no. He decided to tell his friend Will.

It was surreal to think a life was already growing inside of me. I knew my mom would just die to know, but I wanted to make sure everything was ok before I broke the news to her. I made a doctors appointment to confirm my pregnancy for the next week and decided to tell my parents after that. I had already scheduled a trip to Arkansas to visit my best friend who had given birth to her first child two months earlier, so I spent the following Thursday evening through Sunday morning hanging out with her. That probably wasn’t the best time to visit because it made me so scared about what was in store for me. Endless crying, sleepless nights, struggling to breast feed, etc. It was overwhelming for me just as a spectator, and I couldn’t imagine how hard it was for her. Nevertheless, I was excited about my appointment.

Mike went with me to the appointment and I had my very first vaginal ultrasound. I definitely was not expecting that, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. At that time, our baby was just a little round yolk in my uterus but it was such an amazing moment. To hear a professional confirm that I was truly pregnant made it real. She printed out an ultrasound picture and it was so cool. The first picture of our very own baby. I was excited to go tell my parents the news. A couple days earlier my mom had called and told me she hoped I would be pregnant by Christmas. At the time, I already knew I was pregnant but it was still my secret so I told her to stop pressuring me and that it would happen in due time.

I decided to make four copies of the ultrasound picture. I put each picture in its own envelope and labeled them: Mom, Dad, Pim Pim (my grandma), and Poppy (my grandpa). We headed over to my parents house right away. We walked in and met them in the kitchen. I told them I had something for them and handed them each their envelope. They opened them and I could tell that my dad immediately knew what was going on. My mom looked confused, which is very much like my mom. Finally she said, “What is this?” and my dad told her “It’s an ultrasound.” A few more seconds and it hit her. “You’re pregnant?!?!?!” We said yes and before I knew it she had her arms wrapped around me and she was spinning me in circles as she squealed with joy. By the time she let go we were both crying. It was such a special moment for both of us. My dad doesn’t show much emotion (he doesn’t even make a sound when he laughs) but I could tell in his face that he was excited. He hugged me as my mom hugged Mike. They wanted to take us to dinner to celebrate, but we had to stop at my grandparent’s house and share the good news on our way.

Just like I did with my parents, I handed them each their envelope and had them open them at the same time. They both looked a little confused so I just blurted out, “I’m pregnant.” My grandma’s face lit up, “Are you really??” We all told her yes and she started to tear up. She gave me a hug and told me she was so excited. My grandpa hugged me and told me congratulations. Once the news was out I had to explain to them what they were looking at in the picture. Understandably, it was difficult to tell what was what because at the time the baby was just a little round sack. We stayed and visited for a few more minutes and then we left for dinner. It was such an exciting day!

Just a few days later my parents showed up at our house with a gift. My mom was so excited that she just couldn’t wait to start buying things for her first grandchild. The bag was full of blankets and hooded towels. They were all gender neutral, yellow and green with a frog theme. I have loved and collected frog stuff since I was in middle school, so it was all so perfect. It was so fun to open a gift full of baby items. I spent the better part of my young life insisting that I would never have kids, but being pregnant was so exciting and it felt so right.

Baby Jet

Tonight I am so so so very sad for Mirne & Craig. They have just suffered their third loss and my heart is broken for them. Life has never seemed more unfair. I don't even really know them, but I've been following their blog and hoping for the best for them & with them. I can't even imagine what they are going through. It felt like my life ended when Mackenzie's did. I can't even fathom what it would be like to suffer another loss with a second baby. My mind cannot even begin to entertain the thought of losing a third child. My thoughts and prayers are with Mirne and Craig tonight. I will never forget them or their three precious babies: Freyja, Kees, and Jet.