The Suspense Is Killing Me

For those of you who were watching and waiting for an update, I'm sorry...I just got the news myself. FINALLY at 5:08 PM (after 2 earlier calls to the office) the nurse called me to say that my levels were still rising. It's unbelievable to me that my HCG levels are still rising which apparently means I'm pregnant, and yet they have no clue where the baby is. So they are having me schedule an appointment with the hospitals imaging center to see if they can locate the baby through a more in depth ultrasound. I really don't get it. How can you be pregnant but no one can find the baby??? Bad enough that I had a baby and no one could find a heart beat...but when the baby is missing? That's crazy. So now I have to wait AGAIN and make the appointment in the morning and hopefully they can get me in to have the ultrasound tomorrow because otherwise it's the New Year's holiday coming up. I called my mom to tell her (I'd been avoiding telling her because...well...you know) and she sounded disappointed. That's all I ever do anymore anyways, isn't it? Let my family down? I can't bring their first grandchild into the world safely and now the second chance rainbow baby is lost somewhere in my womb...if it's there at all. My life just gets crazier and more unbelievable by the minute. I'm still bleeding off and on and no one seems to care about that. I mean, I had some bleeding with Mackenzie but it was less than this. I can't believe the rollercoaster ride this has been and I've only known I was pregnant for like 2 weeks. I didn't know this was what I was signing up for when I was trying to get pregnant. It wouldn't have stopped me...that's for sure...but it's definitely taken me by surprise. I'm trying to remain optimistic and don't get me wrong...this is the best news I could have gotten given the three options I had...it's just insane. I am thankful to have been able to get pregnant at all, but it's getting pretty hard to believe that I could actually be pregnant. Despite the bloodwork AND the 10's of pregnancy tests I've taken so far (including one last night) the fact is that pregnancy = baby, and yet mine is invisible.

For those of you asking, they did bloodwork and I should have an idea tomorrow. If the #'s are still rising it's a good sign, if they leveled off it could mean tubal, if they've decreased it's chemical. The ultrasound showed the tiniest black dot but I remember what my first ultrasound with Mackenzie looked like and that's not it :(

There was like nothing on the ultrasound. So either I'm super early pregnant, chemical pregnancy, or tubal pregnancy. Seriously, nothing can be normal for me. If it's tubal, it's the worst. I half expect it to be that with my luck. Aghhhhh!

Woke up bleeding this morning. I'm waiting to be seen at the doctor now. I'm about to have my first ultrasound since Mackenzie died and just praying this one is not bad news. Why can't anything be normal? I'm worried that something is wrong after I've told my family and some friends. Ugh.

I Did It

I went ahead and told my family that I am pregnant (against my better judgement/baby loss messed up brain). They were thrilled. Pretty much everyone was hysterical and in tears. It's been a long Christmas day, but I'll tell you how I did it. I got a cute little card that said "You Know What??" on the front and inside I taped in a picture of Mackenzie on one side & a cute little picture of two owls that said "I'm going to be a big sister." I gave the card to my dad in his Christmas gift because I knew he wouldn't be in hysterics after reading it and could pass it on to my mom. I made the right choice, for sure. When my mom finally read it you couldn't understand what she was saying because she was crying so hard. My dad was crying. My grandma was hysterical (which was a little scary because she had a stroke when Mackenzie died and I didn't want her blood pressure getting outta control). Even my grandpa was crying. I was crying too, but not only with happiness...also with fear. Telling everyone means they are in on it too now. If I lose this baby, they endure another loss as well. I'm scared this time if something happens my grandma might die since the news about Mackenzie caused her to have a life altering stroke. I just don't want to let anyone down, and yet I'm helpless. Honestly, nothing I can do at this point could change the fate of this little life. It's in God's hands and I'm trying to trust him. I'm trying to take care of myself and eat normally (instead of indulging like last time). It's just scary because I haven't even had my first ultrasound. I don't know for sure that this little baby is even alive in there. I pray to God there is life in my womb, but there is always that chance...as we all know too well. I'm not sure I really knew what I was asking for when I wanted to get pregnant. Don't get me wrong...I wouldn't trade it for anything because I so desparately want to start our family...it's just hard. Every single little twinge I feel in my belly makes me think the baby has died. That it's cramps and I'm miscarrying. Although I haven't actually had any cramps whatsoever...just gas, haha. I appreciate all your prayers and warm wishes and hope you continue to pray with me...it's going to be a long road.

My Christmas was much better than I expected. We stopped by the cemetery after visiting Mike's family and before going to see mine. We left Mackenzie a poinsettia we got a church on Christmas Eve. I cried, of course, thinking of how unfair it is that I (and other baby loss moms/dads) have to visit my baby at her grave site instead of video taping her "opening" gifts in her Christmas pajamas. We actually saw another couple in "baby land" at the cemetery when we were there which is the first time I've ever been there at the same time as another family. When they left we walked over to their baby's grave to see the dates out of curiousity. They had left birthday and Christmas balloons. Their poor baby was born on Christmas day and died a week later. My heart broke for that mom. What a double whammy. Christmas and her baby's birthday on the same day. I cried for her and her family. I pray that she made it through the day with some peace.

At my parents house, it was so beautiful because my mom had gotten a present for Mackenzie. She said she just couldn't leave her out. I cried my eyes out of course. She had put a little penguin ornament that said "Jesus Loves Me" on it with the picture of Mike, Me, and Mackenzie in it (the one that is my profile pic). It was just precious. Mackenzie's gift was a cute little ladybug piggy bank :) I am so thrilled that Mackenzie had a present under the tree at someone elses house. I didn't put one under the tree for her, but I did buy her a little mug with her name on it and put it under her little tree (unwrapped) and I put a pinwheel with a ladybug on it (from my friend) in her stocking.

I love you so much Mackenzie. So much of my heart is with you in Heaven...I hope you feel that. I know you know that I think about you all day every day and I hope you know how much you mean to me even now. I do wish your first Christmas could have been in my arms, but what better way to celebrate Jesus than to be in His presence. You are so loved by all baby girl and we haven't forgotten you...we never will. This baby in mommy's tummy will not & cannot replace you, but I hope you'll watch over your little sibling and guide his/her way into our arms. Merry Christmas precious angel!!

Love, Mommy

I don't know if I can handle being pregnant again. Every day I'm sure this baby has died. I noticed a little pink blood earlier. I was supposed to announce the news tomorrow but now I'm too scared to tell them if the baby might die. I don't go for an ultrasound til Jan 6th. I'm freaking out already and I'm not even 6 weeks preggo.

:) :) :) I'm really pregnant!!! :) :) :) My blood work confirmed that the hormones doubled like they should and I just need to schedule my first ultrasound! What a relief! Thank you God :) What an amazing Christmas present!!

I did the extra bloodwork today but I have to wait til Monday for the results. Gonna be a looong weekend! They're apparently checking to see if this pregnancy is "viable." I hate that word by the way. And I can't figure out why they would assume it could possibly not be viable. They did give me rhogam (sp?) in case it is "viable" :-/

Here's the link to the free doppler rentals for baby loss moms: http://tinyheartbeats.org/index.htm

It must be true. The bloodwork came back positive for pregnancy. I'm too afraid to be very excited. They want me back in there tomorrow for more bloodwork to make sure I'm not miscarrying. Wish they wouldn't have mentioned that. I don't think I am...no signs. But I'm scared anyways :(

6 Months & The winner is...

Bree @ My Baby Butterfly Ella

Congrats Bree!!! I think I already have your address, so I'll get that right out to you! :)

Today is Mackenzie's 6 month anniversary/birthday. Wow, 6 months? It's felt like a lifetime and then it's felt like it was yesterday. This Christmas is lacking the joy that only a smiling baby could bring and I am really feeling it. My husband and I were planning to get a ladybug tattoo on her 6 month, but doesn't look like I'll be doing that just yet. Beautiful, beautiful little lady...I love and miss you everyday!! Stay close and keep sending those ladybugs :)

***On a side note and update to my last post: I took 2 more pregnancy tests this morning (like the psycho that I've apparently become) and they were both positive. I'm still waiting to hear from the doctor, but I can't imagine they'd say anything but positive. I'm cautiously excited! This is exactly what I wanted for Christmas!! I'm just too scared to embrace it just yet. Feels like one wrong move could send this glimmer of hope right out of my womb. I told my husband last night that I'm going to be a complete FREAK if I am pregnant...well, here's hoping he knew what he was getting into!***

PS~I want to buy a doppler (like the kind they use at the doctor's office to check the baby's heartbeat). Does anyone know of a good one and where to get it?

Unbelievable

Seriously. You are not going to believe the day I had.

After all that talk in my previous post last night, I woke up this morning with a weird sensation in my belly. I don't know how to explain it...kind of like heartburn but lower...like actually in my belly. It's been happening randomly for a couple weeks. Anyways, with that weird feeling and a prayer...I took one more pregnancy test. Wouldn't you know...immediately POSITIVE. What?!? I started freaking out because, although my period hasn't shown up, I have had some bleeding off and on for a couple days so I was SURE I was miscarrying. I called my best friend real quick and freaked out to her a little bit and then I immediately called my doctor (not my doctor with Mackenzie...one I've found since then). I told them that I literally just took the test and it was positive and that I had been bleeding and that my last pregnancy was a stillbirth and that I was freaking out and that I needed to come in right away (in a run on sentence just like that, too! ha). That was at 8:30 AM and they asked if I could be there by 9 AM and I said yes. I turned off the shower...no time for that now...dressed and ran out the door. I was freaking out the whole way there. My stomach was in knots which made me think I was cramping (...miscarrying). When I got there I had to wait a little while and I had to "use the restroom" because my stomach was so upset over all the freaking out. I accidentally peed without giving a "sample" but at that point I was like who cares. By the time they called me back and asked for a urine sample I told them I couldn't do it. I'd already peed 2 times in the past hour!! They asked me to try anyways, so I did and amazingly I was able to do it. The doctor came in a while later and told me that the urine sample/pregnancy test came back NEGATIVE and that she believes my home pregnancy test was a false positive. FALSE POSITIVE!??!?! You're kidding me!! That has got to be suuuuper rare...and of course that kind of shit would happen to me. I can't have a normal life anymore...it always has to be something. So she checks my cervix to make sure it wasn't open (which apparently would signal that I was miscarrying). It was closed so she sent me to get my blood drawn for a blood pregnancy test to be sure I was not in fact pregnant. The results should be in tomorrow morning (12/17 ~ Mackenzie's 6 month anniversary).

All of that being said, I decided to calm down and just be happy that I wasn't pregnant at all rather than having a miscarriage. I went to work and had a normal day, but since I'm insane I stopped by the store on my way home and got one more pregnancy test. I took it as soon as I got home. It was one of those ones where one line is "not pregnant" and two lines is "pregnant." Well, after a minute or so I saw a second line...but it wasn't as dark as the first line. I had no intention of telling my husband (he didn't even know what I had done all day) but when I couldn't decide if my line was dark enough to be considered positive I went in the kitchen to show him. He thought it looked pretty positive, so I called my best friend to discuss it with her. She thought it sounded positive, too. My husband and I decided to go to the store to get another digital...just in case. (The first one I took this morning that was positive was digital) Anyways, we got another test but I'm not going to take it until the morning.

I sort of wonder if the doctor's test was a false negative since that was my third time to pee in an hours time. I can't imagine there could be too many hormones left in there after that many times. I feel a lot better thinking that I might be pregnant because the bleeding has stopped.

So, can you believe it? What a day! I've taken 3 pregnancy tests and 2 were positive...those odds seem ok. I really want to be pregnant but I just can't let myself go there fully yet. I'm waiting to see what the doctor says about my bloodwork in the morning. I'll keep you guys posted, but apparently there is hope that I'm pregnant....

Struggling

***My 25 Days of Giveaways post is right under this one...sorry, I should have posted that one last so it would be the first one you see***

Forewarning: this will be a jumbled mess of thoughts...

These past three days I've been really emotional and kind of depressed. First of all, shopping for Christmas presents for my stepchildren over the weekend kind of ate at me. I should have been buying cute little baby clothes, stuffed animals, blankets, toys, etc. Obviously I have no reason to now, so I steered clear of that section (with the exception of shopping for my best friend's boys). Then on Saturday at the family Christmas party (where I should have been showing her off to the family) I got an e-mail from one of my good friends (also from this group, so that makes 2) telling me she's pregnant. I'm happy for her, we've been friends a long time, but I'm still so sad for me. God I feel selfish...but I can't help it. Pretty much ALL of my girlfriends in realy life have babies/children now. I feel like the black sheep of this mommy club. I don't fit in because I don't actually have a baby to parade around, but I did have a baby. I really wanted to get pregnant again before anyone else had the chance. My body obviously hates me though because I missed my period on the 7th and yet I'm not freaking pregnant. What kind of shit is that? I've spotted a couple times in the past 3 days but nothing like a regular period. This is a pretty sick joke that the universe is playing on me. I called the doctor and asked what to do because I don't want to wait around for my body to get back on track. I'm desparate to get pregnant again...more than ever...and I can't have a non-cooperating body. They told me to take another pregnancy test this weekend to make sure I'm not pregnant and then call to make an appointment. I'll take the freaking test (again) but I'm 97% sure I'm not pregnant. What's crappy about this whole ordeal is that I actually thought I might be pregnant. The only other time in my life that my boobs have hurt me was when I was pregnant with Mackenzie. When my boobs started hurting last week I was secretly excited thinking, this is a sure sign. Then I was randomly feeling nauseated and that never happens to me (only when I was pregnant). Also, I'm super emotional. Granted, that's to be expected from us baby loss moms, but I've had it together for the past 3 months or so. I freaking LOST IT last night with my husband. He pissed me off/hurt my feelings so bad because he went walking with my newly pregnant friend when the entire time we've been together (4.5 years) and even when I was pregnant he refused to walk with me. He tells me he can only run, not walk, because he walks all day at work...and since I hate to run...we did neither. When that fact hit me, I called him and cussed him out (classy, I know). He got home and I let him have it again. I was yelling until I just started crying and eventually it turned into uncontrollable sobs. It really wasn't about the walking (that was a small part of it...it still pisses me off a little bit) it was just about Mackenzie and how much I miss her and how shitty this holiday season really feels without her. My support group sends a bi-monthly newsletter and moms submit birthday acknowledgements that are published. I read one from a mom to her twin boys who died 13 years ago. That hit me like a ton of bricks. THIRTEEN years ago....and she still misses them. I'm not saying I don't think she should miss them...for 13 years and forever...it just really hit home that there's a lot of years ahead of me to live without my daughter. If 13 years seems like a long time to me, how am I going to do it if I live to be 100? That would be 75 years without her...thinking of her all the time...crying myself to sleep...seeing other children her age and knowing that would/should/could have been us. That's a LONG time. It's overwhelming...it's daunting...I'm freaking out a little bit. I know it will get better with time, but that piece of my heart is never coming back. I will always miss her. How much does it suck that the rest of my (our) life I will spend without being complete? It puts tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat just thinking about it. And my hysterical crying fit made my husband "worry" about me...which I have mixed emotions about. I'm glad that he's concerned, but I felt like he might have been concerned for himself as well...like he's got to live with this mess of a woman for the rest of his life. I mean, I did say over and over through tears that I hate my life and that I'll be sad forever. I didn't mean I'll be a wreck for the rest of my life. I just meant that a part of me will always be sad...am I the only one who feels that way? How could I not be sad about this forever. Sure it might feel less sad down the road but it will never go away. Anyways, he always tells me that he's here for me and he really is, but I think he might be drifting towards "ok woman, get ahold of yourself." I'm not sure that I can. Right now I feel really out of control of my emotions. It's the first time that I've worried about myself actually. Maybe things will settle down after the holidays, but you can be sure that a similar breakdown will occur on Christmas day, if not before and/or until then. I don't know how to stop it.

25 Days of Giveaways!! (Day 20)

First of all, THANK YOU to Tina at Living Without Sophia and Ellie for putting together the "25 Days of Giveaways". If you are just now learning of this event, Tina has arranged with several lovely ladies to offer a creative giveaway for 25 consecutive days this Holiday Season. This giveaway is only open to baby loss momma's ~ but even if you aren't giving anything away you are still more than welcome to enter to win :)

I chose to give away this beautiful ornament because when I saw it in the store (Target) I fell in love with it. I actually picked it up and admired it on several different trips to Target but decided against it each time because I thought it was too much to spend on an ornament. It really wasn't that much money, I don't know what put that in my mind. Anyways, my husband and I were back at Target over the weekend and I noticed the section of these ornaments and went over to find it but they had sold out. I was kind of sad about that, but my husband said we could look for it at another Target near us. Luckily, I did find it at the other Target and snatched it up :) Then, after I'd already gotten home and hung it on my tree I thought that it would be a nice thing to giveaway...soooo the next day I was back at Target and found the LAST one of these ornaments! I hope you all like it :)

I actually think it's a Snowbabies ornament...apparently that's a collection by Department 56. As you can see, it's a little baby with angel wings holding a precious red bird.

If you can't tell, the wings say "tis a gift" (left) "to be a mom" (right).

This is the view from the back

I really do feel like it was a gift to be Mackenzie's mommy, no matter what. I would do it all over again knowing the outcome because she touched my heart in a way I could have never imagined. I had no idea what it was like to love that much until her and really she is a piece of my heart...a huge piece that is forever missing (until we are together again in Heaven).

You don't have to say anything special to enter my giveaway, but if you're up to it I'd like to hear a quirky thing about you and your baby(ies). I'll start:

Mackenzie went with me (in utero of course) to my first ever New Kids on the Block concert!! It's so neat to me that we shared that together (even if she was too small to hear any of it yet). If you don't know who NKOTB is...you need to! LOL My husband will think I'm a nut...well, he already does. NKOTB was a popular boy band back in the 80's when I was like 6 and I was IN LOVE with them. They made a come back last year as 35-40 year olds and it was like I was 6 again. I went to their concert and screamed and sang along like a school girl. It was AMAZING and I'm glad I shared it with Mackenzie. I'm SURE she would have been a Jordan fan, too :)

I will keep this giveaway open until Thursday (12/17) morning whenever I wake up :) Not sure how I'll choose the winner (random.org or having my hubby pick a number). Good luck to all!

Mackenzie's First Christmas

This Christmas definitely isn't going to be what I dreamed it to be. This time last year I was newly pregnant and on cloud 9! I couldn't have been happier to be pregnant and it made Christmas so sweet!! My mom bought me an awesome Coach diaper bag and my grandma got me the matching wallet & makeup bag. The only thing I've used of the three is the wallet. I never got to use the diaper bag :( I was so excited about that diaper bag and I didn't want to dirty it before it was time to use it so I kept it in it's pouch and hid it in my closet not to be used until Mackenzie was here. Well, she's not here and that diaper bag is still in it's pouch on the shelf in my closet. Just one of MANY things I never got to use. Luckily (?) it's not gender specific so I could use it with any other baby we may be blessed with, but I wanted to use it with HER!

Of course I wanted this Christmas to be soooo soooo soooo different, but here's what I've done for Mackenzie on her first Christmas (so far). I hope she likes it :)

This little ladybug followed Mike around ALL DAY at work on Monday :) He brought her out to the cemetery to leave for Mackenzie!

This is Mike's little ladybug friend on Mackenzie's Christmas tree :)

I wish I was buying her a Christmas dress, Christmas pj's, Christmas presents, etc. but I guess decorating her grave will have to do...

So I have this group of girlfriends...there are 8 of us. We've known each other since high school...some since elementary & preschool. Anyways we all hang out still and I was the first of the group to be pregnant and of course Mackenzie died. Now another girl in our group is pregnant and my heart almost fell out of my chest when I found out. I would have burst into tears but I was at work when I found out. I'm so upset that I won't be the first one to have a baby in our group. It's not fair. I was pregnant. I should have been the first. I really hoped to get pregnant again before anyone else but looks like that's blown to hell. I really didn't need this right before thanksgiving.

Hey there

Just checking in.

I'm doing ok. My best friend in the whole world (since 6th grade) Shannon had her second baby boy the other day! She's practically the only person left in this world (besides baby loss moms) who I can still feel completely happy for with no bearing upon how it relates to my loss. She's the best person I know and has been a better friend than I probably deserve. She and her husband deserve nothing but the best or better! Welcome little Ben :) See you in January!!

Mike and I stopped by the cemetery late one night this week (like 10 PM or later). We sat on her bench (have I shown ya'll her bench?) and I cried my eyes out. I haven't cried like that in a while. I'm sure my hubby is grateful that those days are father apart than they used to be. All I could say as I cried on his shoulder is that I'm sorry and that I feel like such a loser. Look at all these women we know having babies left and right with not even the tiniest complication and the baby I carried DIED. He was married before me and has two kids (8 & 5) and I just feel like maybe he's thinking "great, now I ended up with a woman who can't give me kids..." That's how I feel at least. I feel like a loser, a failure, incompetent, etc. WTF is wrong with me that I couldn't get her here safely??? She was alive and well for 41 weeks...seriously...that's a long ass time. What did I do on that last day that caused her death? I guess I'll never know. Anyways, what a change for me though. I'm a TOTAL scaredy cat about everything in the whole world. It's so funny that I would sit at a cemetery in the dead/dark of night and not be scared or freaked out. A lot of things have changed...

I've been busy trying to start my mini-business (http://theheavenlyladybug.etsy.com/) so that has kept my mind off the holidays a little. Sucks that Mackenzie is not here (understatement) because I LOVE Christmas. I'm sad that I'm going to be sad during my favorite holiday...and for the rest of my stupid life. I've been buying "Baby's First Christmas" stuff anyways because I can. I can do whatever I want...and rightfully so!? :) My sweet friends have shown an interest in the necklaces I've been making. Not sure if it's out of pity, but it's appreciated nonetheless. I'm going to venture out and go try to sell some stuff at a local craft show...maybe this Friday (if I can get off work in time). If not, there's definitely one I've already sent my deposit off for on December 5th. Kind of excited to see what I can do! I've promised to donate a portion of my proceeds in Mackenzie's memory to MEND (my support group). It's my first small step to doing something good in her name. If I could just figure out how to use the freaking sewing machine Mike's grandma gave me I'd like to make items to donate to hospitals. We're both clueless at sewing though so it's pretty much at a stand still.

Here's a picture I just found. It's me last December and this was supposed to be Mackenzie holding the snowball as I was about 2 months pregnant :) It NEVER snows in Texas so we were so pumped this day! It was Mackenzie's first and only snow. Glad I took this pic. Wish I could be that happy girl again. Wish I could wear that jacket or those pants again...sigh ;)

It wasn't bad at all

My friend Lacey had her baby, Lyla Jo, on Friday the 13th at about 12:10 PM. She weighed 7lbs 11oz. I did great great great with it!! I'm so happy for myself because I had been worried about it for months. I actually held her a lot and it was ok b/c it felt nothing like holding Mackenzie. My sweet baby was 9lbs 7oz, so it felt immensely different to hold a baby who was 2 lbs lighter. That made it easy b/c I can still feel the difference...I can still feel Mackenzie's weight in my arms when I think back to the day I met and held her. She was chubby and I was so proud. I'm still so proud. Nothing against "skinny" babies, but I feel more comfortable holding fat babies because they feel less "breakable." Anyways, I'm rambling, but I just wanted you guys who were thinking of me to know that I made it and it was actually enjoyable. I really believe that God is allowing me some peace right now and allowing me to face these events with ease while still remembering Mackenzie fondly. Actually, in Lacey's hospital room, the bag that the hospital had all her stuff in for after the birth had ladybugs all over it. It gave me a special moment to know that Mackenzie was there with us when her friend Lyla was born. Lacey even gave me a super cute ladybug thing to put on my ladybug shelf for Mackenzie. She said she bought one for Lyla's room and one for Mackenzie. That was really sweet of her!!

On another note, I'm really trying to get into crafts. I'm working on making scrabble tile necklaces, bottle cap necklaces, magnets, clay figures, birdhouses, etc. I'm hoping to make coin purses/make up bags & possibly baby bibs with the sewing machine Mike's grandma gave me today :) Here are pics of the birdhouse I made:

Anyways, I'm thinking of opening up a shop on Etsy and also selling at craft fairs. Any ideas for a name for my "business" ??? I was thinking "Krafts for Kenzie" but since I don't call her Kenzie I was hoping for ideas that are cute and include her name or even ladybugs... Also, does anyone know how to make banners for Etsy or buttons for Blogger? I need a banner on Etsy to make my shop look good and I suck at that sort of thing. Let me know ladies! :)

I'm at the hospital in the room waiting for my friend to have her baby. I'm doing fine for now because no baby is present. Let's hope I can maintain my composure today. I'm happy for her. I'm also very anxious for that to be me.

I'm currently on vacation with my hubby at a bed & breakfast in a small town of cute little shops. I've been buying things to improve my craftiness. Kinda hoping I can sell on Etsy or something. Anyways, this time away is nice & there aren't any babies here. LOL Well they are scarce anyways. Pics coming soon!

The Secret Garden Meeting (October)

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

Mackenzie was stillborn coming up on 5 months ago. It feels like an eternity and yet it feels like it's flown by. That's very strange to think about. I'm feeling relatively good, actually. I definitely have my breakdowns, but for the most part I try to remember that she's with me always now. I try to see the good in her short life and count my blessings. I guess for me it helps to know that I will be reunited with her in Heaven one day, although it often feels like that will take an eternity in itself to get here. Mostly when I'm sad, I'm sad for ME not her. Because I'm a Christian and believe in Heaven, it's definitely comforting for the most part that Mackenzie is in the best place she could be. If she could choose, she would stay there and I don't blame her. I'm sad for me and for what I'm missing and for what could have been. My birthday just passed and I did well until the end of the night at home with my hubby when I broke down in tears thinking of how different this birthday should have been...or at least it's not what I imagined on my birthday last year when I was newly pregnant with her. So much about my birthday (and life in general) would be completely different if she were here. It's sad to me that we did "the usual" for my birthday because Mackenzie's not here to "ruin" our plans. I don't mean "ruin" in a bad way...FYI. So, yes, I've found some peace but only by the grace of God. I'm not sure why He's being merciful and gracious to me when I've still not clung to Him like I should. Maybe He's giving me time. I hope in the future that I can continue to feel joy in knowing that Mackenzie is with me in my heart and with God and with other babies gone too soon. I also hope in the future I will have found a way to reach out to others in this circumstance. I want Mackenzie's life to have meaning through me. I'm not sure what it is, but I think that this experience has purpose and that there is something I am meant to do as a result of her death. I know it's early still, but I hope I find my way in this sooner than later.

Reminder

***I posted about this before and I'm still very interested in doing this. I've received 6 e-mails from baby loss moms so far. If you're in any way interested please send me an e-mail with your info (no matter where/what country you live in). Sometimes I come across things that remind me of specific babies and if I have your information I'd be happy to mail it to you. No pressure, but please know the offer still stands***


I want to be able to send a card or something special to baby loss moms (particularly around the time they lost their baby/babies). I've been working on being crafty lately so maybe I'll make something for you...who knows. I don't have anything in particular in mind, but I would like to be able to remember your baby/babies with you. If you are willing, post a comment with or e-mail me (ashley.frederickson@yahoo.com) the following info:

Your baby's name(s)

The date they passed away (if different than their birthday, include their birthday as well)

Your name & address

If nothing else, I at least hope to be able to send you a card. I know it would make me feel better for someone (anyone really) to remember Mackenzie at anytime...especially on her birthday/angelversary.

Today, Nov. 5th is my 25th birthday. Although my hubby is working hard to make me feel special, I can't help but think about how this birthday "should" be. Mackenzie should be in my arms. Instead I'm spending the first of many without her. This time last year I was newly pregnant with her. What a shitty difference a year makes.

I am so stupid!! What was I thinking?? I watched "Dr. G Medical Examiners" about a baby, not realizing the show is about autopsy. I now know what Mackenzie's autopsy was like and I hate myself for doing it. If I would have known or been in my right mind... I'm in the process of crying myself to sleep now & praying for no nightmares. I'm sorry Mackenzie. I'm so sorry. I love you!!!

Special Request + Pics

I've contemplated doing this before, but I thought people might think I was weird so I didn't. But maybe some people won't think it's weird & might appreciate the gesture, so here goes:

I want to be able to send a card or something special to baby loss moms (particularly around the time they lost their baby/babies). I've been working on being crafty lately so maybe I'll make something for you...who knows. I don't have anything in particular in mind, but I would like to be able to remember your baby/babies with you. If you are willing, post a comment with or e-mail me (ashley.frederickson@yahoo.com) the following info:

• Your baby's name(s)
• The date they passed away (if different than their birthday, include their birthday as well)
• Your name & address

If nothing else, I at least hope to be able to send you a card. I know it would make me feel better for someone (anyone really) to remember Mackenzie at anytime...especially on her birthday/angelversary.

**********************************************************

As I said above, I've been working on being crafty :) A friend called it "channeling my inner Martha Stewart." Whatever you want to call it, it's just been something to keep me busy and to make me feel good. I've painted pumpkins, made magnets, painted a ladybug ceramic, and put together an arrangement for Mackenzie's vase on her headstone. Here are some pics:

Magnets - of course I made these with ladybugs :)

A small ceramic I painted

(I sprayed it with a glaze to make it shiny)

The back of the ladybug ceramic

I made this arrangement all by myself :)

The arrangement & fall decor at Mackenzie's grave

Mackenzie's lil' pumpkin

I'm no artist, but I tried...

Oh and I dyed my hair back dark. I did it for a couple reasons. First of all, the highlights were grown out and I didn't want to redo it in case it caused my hair to break off. My hair is falling out bad enough and I can't afford to lose anymore. Secondly, I want it all one color before we start ttc again and that's only about 2 months away so I figured now was a good time. Thank God I dyed it when I did...my hair dresser pointed out that I've got gray hair now. What the hell?? I used to never believe that stress makes you go gray, but I know I didn't have gray hair before Mackenzie died. Now I'm a believer...but I'm not too happy about it :(

Mackenzie's Headstone

It's finally in. I love it and I'm so glad we finally got that accomplished. Like I've said before, not having the headstone down was making me feel like even more of a failure. It's definitely bittersweet to see it there though. We love it and are so glad she has a permanent fixture to show which precious baby is buried there, but we hate it because thats our first baby there. How can I be 24 years old and already have my very own daughter buried? My God. When I think of how much I wanted a little girl and actually got what I wished for, I cannot believe this is how that dream ended. Even if God blesses me with another daughter someday, that little girl will not be Mackenzie. Thankfully, I can find comfort in the knowledge that I will see her again one day and that God had a purpose for her little life, no matter how short.

Jeremiah 1:5

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart."

It's super shiny so you can see every reflection in it right now. It's hard to see all the detail in a picture.

The quote says "Ours for a moment, His for eternity"

Here's a close up picture to see more detail. The ladybugs on the border are the same ladybugs from the ribbons passed out at her funeral.

For the record, I made Mike smile in the picture. I'm only saying that in case you think it's weird that we are smiling next to our daughter's headstone. He asked me if he should smile and I said yes. I figured, why not? We are happy that the headstone came in and that it turned out beatifully...why not smile about it?

Seeing this picture aggravates me a little because when I see myself in the mirror I am not this big. How can I have lost 50 lbs and still look like that? Grrr. Especially my arms. I need to work on those monsters. And for those of you that would say I look good or any other compliment to offset my complaint about myself, here's a picture of what I looked like just over a year ago:

Just posting these two pictures in the same space makes me want to punch myself in the throat. Where did the skinny, tan, long dark haired me go? Damn.

But I digress.

The real reason for this post was to show the headstone and announce that it's finished. Enjoy!

Walk to Remember 2009

Mackenzie's Grandpa, Grandma, Mommy, Daddy, Uncle, and Nana

Mackenzie's Mommy & Daddy

Mackenzie's Ornament

Hanging Mackenzie's Ornament

Releasing our balloons for Mackenzie

Watching all the balloons float away

Me crying as I think about what those balloons represented...it broke my heart that there were so many

We miss her the most

Our Family

(My dad, mom, brother - me & Mike - Mike's mom)

Mackenzie's family & friends

(Lyndsey, Marissa, Lacey the friend whose baby shower I went to, Tiffany, Mike's mom, my dad, my mom, me, my bro, Mike, Nadia, Will, Jaymie, Falen, Vernon, Naomi, and Christian Falen & Vernon's son)

In case you were wondering

Mackenzie's headstone did NOT come in today as promised. Go figure. I tried to call the funeral home at 4:30 PM and the receptionist said our lady (the person assigned to deal with us...whatever she's called) had already left for the day. Really? Without even calling to tell me one way or the other? How professional. I looked through my paperwork from the funeral and stuff and found the business card of the funeral home's general manager. I started typing up a really long complaint, but was interrupted when my parents came to visit. I plan to finish that up at work tomorrow and send it first thing in the morning. I'm wondering if it didn't come in or if it came in and was wrong again and she was just too afraid to call and tell me. If I have to, I'll take my lunch break and drive over to the funeral home and make a scene. I never thought I'd be considering getting crazy inside a funeral home, but then again I never thought I'd bury my first born child either. If I don't post for a while...maybe I got arrested...haha.

(This next rant is for my benefit...I just have to vent...don't feel obligated to read it...it may not even make sense unless you are me...besides it's going to be really long)

Oh, and the shirts I had made for the walk...they were ready to be picked up today. When I looked at them I noticed that on the back where I had asked for them to write "Mackenzie's Mommy" (and Daddy, Grandpa, Uncle, etc) the fonts were two different sizes. "Mackenzie's" was 2 inches and "Mommy" was like 1.5 inches. "Mackenzie's" is one line on top, and "Mommy" is another line right under neath that. It wasn't a huge deal, but obviously it was enough that I noticed so I asked the guy what happened. After all, I did pay an extra $4 a shirt for them to put these names on the back. He told me they were trying to fit the names above the picture of the ladybug in the center. I told him that's fine, I understand that, but if one line had to be made smaller to fit...why not make both lines smaller rather than one small and one large? Instead of acknowledging the oversight, he starts arguing with me and saying that he made it exactly how I asked for it. Really? I asked for him to make two lines of print two different sizes? I don't think so. I pointed out to him that the couple of days before when my husband and I were in there he specifically told us the letters on the back HAD to be 2 inches because that was standard and they didn't offer any other sizes (or fonts). So how did I end up with non-standard lettering? He keeps arguing that what he showed me on the computer was exactly how he did it. How was I supposed to know he had them input as different font sizes by looking at the proof on his laptop screen? And in any case, the letters were not screen printed, they were done by hand...so the size was not generated from the computer. I guess he thought I was stupid. I told him that they weren't horrible or anything, but I just don't understand why it came out that way. I wasn't even getting rude with him...I was stating a fact and simply hoping he would acknowledge the error or oversight or whatever you want to call it. Instead, he starts in on me saying he spent a lot more time and effort on my order than he normally would and that my order was small and he normally wouldn't spend so much time and I was making so many changes to the order that he couldn't keep up and that it was confusing and on and on. So I started to get pissed off because this place is a hole in the wall with no air-conditioning, he took my order on a piece of scrap paper he had laying around. If it was confusing...maybe he should have kept his records in a little more professional manner. I really don't think he spent a whole lot of time on my order and in any case he acted like I was a bother every time I was in there...like he was annoyed with me. I let it slide because I was paying good money for this and however I wanted the shirts to come out was how they needed to come out. As for all the changes he said I made, the first time I came in there he just told me to write down what I wanted it to say and they would just come up with something and send me a proof. He said if I didn't like it, all I had to do was tell them what to change. He also told me their website showed a list of fonts to choose from and that I should go check it out to see what I wanted. So after I saw the proof, I stopped by and  asked him to change the fonts and the font colors. It's not even like it was a lot of print...all it says is "In Loving Memory...Mackenzie Noelle Frederickson...June 17, 2009." And the proof was on the computer so we all know how simple it is to change fonts/colors on a computer. At this point I realized this guy was just being a stubborn ass and didn't want to admit he might have goofed up. So I told him that I didn't think I'd made many changes and the changes I did make were a quick fix. I told him that I didn't think he'd spent any excess time on my order but that if he had felt like he needed to charge me extra for his so called extra efforts that he should have done so instead of acting like I was a charity case. I told him money was no issue, that I walked in there with the intention of paying whatever it may cost as long as I got what I wanted. Then he told me that he had felt sorry for me given the circumstances and that's why he took my order and that he wasn't doing it to make money off of me. The hell he wasn't!! He was charging me about $25 a shirt PLUS $4 extra if I wanted names on the back. I told him that I didn't come in there looking for a handout...he told me the price and I said ok. I told him that we have friends that own a screen printing and embroidery shop and that they were willing to do it for free but that I didn't want any charity so I brought my business here. Then he grabs the box of shirts like he's going to take them back and not let me have them and tells me that I should just go get it done free then. I told him I'd be happy to except it's Wednesday and we need these for an event on Saturday so that's not possible anymore. I told him to just give me the fucking shirts and I'd pay for them and that I would never do business there again and neither would the rest of the people I knew in the area. Then he tells me that he can fix them, but they won't be ready until next week. Next week you idiot!? The event is this Saturday. Stop being retarded. So then he just keeps saying "well what do you want me to do?" I told him that obviously there is nothing he can do to fix it, but that maybe he should just not charge me the extra $4 per shirt for the lettering. So he asks me if I want him to take the lettering off the shirts...and I'm like, rip the letters off the back? and he says yes and of course I say no because it will look tacky and obvious that the letters were ripped off so he says "if you don't want me to take the letters off then why don't you want to pay for them?" Seriously??? I don't want to pay for them because they're not right. Duh! So I tell him just forget it...let me just pay for them and leave because I'm about to lose it. And then he tells me that I should be happy that he did me a favor and got the shirts ready early since he quoted me Friday. I told him that I didn't ask for them to be done early and that Friday was just fine and that he needs to shut up with that shit about doing me all these favors...I AM PAYING YOU...it's not a favor...it's your job...the service I am PAYING for. Stupid!! Then he goes on to say that I should be happy that he's charging me less per shirt than he originally quoted me. I'm seriously about to explode now because he's so full of shit. Their minimum order is 6 but the larger your order is, the smaller the price per shirt. When I first went in there and asked how much it would be for 6 shirts he said about $28 per shirt, but that if I wanted more, like12 shirts, it would be about $18 per shirt. My original order was 6 but then more people wanted shirts so my order increased to 13. I'm furious that he's acting like he's doing this as a special for me and I told him that he's insane because that's what he quoted me originally and he tells me that I'm wrong and that he never said that. So I tell him to just get behind the counter and let me pay for this because I am done arguing with him and that I'm ready to leave. He goes in the back for a minute and comes back saying he will re-do the shirts with the names on the back and that they will be ready on Friday. By this time, I told him no...no way in hell...because he acted like he didn't want to give me the shirts at all once I told him someone else could have done it for less so I'm not about to leave without the shirts and then have them not be ready by Saturday. I couldn't trust him at this point...he's obviously a liar and has zero customer service skills. I told him to forget about it and to just let me pay and that it wasn't this big of a deal in the first place but that I'm not about to stand around and let somebody treat me like I'm an idiot and worst of all like I needed a handout. He didn't even know the situation...as far as he knows...a baby died on June 17, 2009. I'm assuming he figured out that it was my baby, but beyond that he has no clue. I just wanted to scream in his face "I delivered a 9.5 lb dead baby not even 4 months ago...don't fuck with me!!" So finally I just paid for the shirts and left. Once I post pics of the shirts you'll all probably think this was all over nothing, but honestly it was the fact of the matter. If he would have just said "I'm sorry...I'm not sure why that happened" I would have just said whatever and let it be. But I'm not about to let some arrogant man argue with me when I'm clearly right and try to manipulate the situation until I feel like I don't deserve what I paid for. Hell no!

I'm still around...

Since someone was worried enough to check on me (thanks Nichole) I figured I should post to let yall know I'm still alive.

Although I haven't posted in a while I still check the blogs I follow daily and comment as often as I can. In fact my husband and I got into an argument about it. I check my blogs mostly from my phone and he got mad because I was reading while we were supposed to be watching a movie. I should have been more considerate, it's just that reading these blogs is kind of like my daily therapy. And it's also a way for me to remember Mackenzie and relate to other moms like me. I'm posting this blog from my phone as it is so forgive any spelling errors :)

Today Mackenzie's headstone was supposed to come in...but of course it didn't. Actually it was supposed to be ready last week and it never came in. They had told me it would be ready Friday and I could see it Monday, but Monday will have ended by the time I post this so obviously someone is bullshitting me. I can't decide if it's the funeral home or the company that makes the headstones that is at fault but either way I'm pissed. God forbid it comes in this Wednesday (as they say it will) and it's wrong again. I can assure you the headstone will be free if that happens. Or else I'll be in jail for whatever outburst I have. Hmmmmm.

On a more positive note, I'm attending a Walk to Remember in my area this Saturday to remember lost babies. I designed shirts for me, my family, and friends to wear. They're cute. I probably could have done better with more time and a better idea of what is possible. It's very personal though and that's what I was going for. I actually drew a ladybug with angel wings and a halo and it's the big image on the back. It definitely looks hand drawn by someone with no artistic talent, but that's who Mackenzie's mom is. Maybe she would have been a better artist like her grandma. I'll post pictures of the proof when the t-shirt shop sends it. Otherwise I'll post pics from the walk.

Today at work the girl who was pregnant with me was talking about how her hair is falling out and when I said mine was too (it is...by the handful) and she was quick to assume it's something that happens after pregnancy. I don't know is that's true or not, but I suggested mine might be from a different cause. She said "well yeah it could be from a little stress too." Yeah. A little stress. It's been almost 4 months and I still can't get to sleep at night before 2 AM. There's still no headstone on my baby's grave. I'm about to attend a ceremony to remember my first born child when I should be deciding what Halloween costume to dress her in. The holidays are coming up and her little tiny stocking from last year is going to stare me in the face and rip my heart out as soon as I unpack the Christmas decorations. Did I mention the "parents-to-be" ornament? Yeah. A little stress.

The other day at work she and another co-worker (who had her baby girl a month or so before us) were discussing what costumes they had chosen for their girls. One of them said they would be dressing their baby up as a ladybug. Of course they are. That day I was exiting the parking lot at work and although I tried to avoid it, I ran over a squirrel. I thought I had missed it until I looked in the rear view mirror and saw it writhing around. I cried all the way home. Then I cried even more when Mike got home. At first I'm sure I looked like a complete idiot for crying over a dead squirrel when I'm the mother of a dead baby, but it was mostly about my baby of course. I just hadn't had a breakdown in front of my hubby in a while. He held me and let me cry like he always does and that's really all I needed.

One more thing. Do you think the girl at work who had her son 2 weeks before I had Mackenzie even thought twice about what it meant to me when she said she wished she looked as good as me after having a baby...and that she was jealous? Gee, if my baby were alive I probably wouldn't have the time or energy to work out. And I wouldn't be taking these diet pills while breast feeding. Jealous??? Shut the hell up.

Blog Question: Is there a way to restrict my blog to where only people I allow to see it can see it WITHOUT restricting the people who are already my followers?? People IRL are starting to find my blog and I'm not ready for that (Valerie & Shannon...Ya'll are ok!). I know I can restrict to only invited readers but I don't want to kick off my current followers. Any suggestions??

This evening has been terrible!! Mackenzie's headstone came in but it's all wrong and now we have to wait all over again for them to fix it. I'm freaking devastated. When I saw it I just cried. I know they are going to fix it, but it's just that we've already been waiting for it for so long. Thursday will be 3 months since we said goodbye to our beautiful baby girl and I'm tired of her grave being incomplete. This is one of the last ways we can "parent" her and it's making me feel like I'm letting her down. I just want it to look nice for her. I can't stand looking at only grass where a headstone should be. But mostly I guess the worst part is that there has to be a headstone at all.

Plus after that I made the mistake of telling a sales person at the mall that I had a baby recently and of course she asked how old my baby was. It was the first time I have been asked that question since she died. I got the words out..."well actually she was stillborn..." but after that I was just shaking and couldn't put together a coherent sentence for a while.

I can't believe this is my life. How did I end up here? Why do I have to live without my child? Why now, at 24 years old, so I have to live the rest of my life tainted by this loss? This will forever color my life, and not bright and cheery ones either. Green with envy comes to mind. What did I do to deserve this? Better yet, what did Mackenzie do? That one I can answer: NOTHING. She didn't do anything to deserve this because she never even got the chance to.

Catching Up

I haven't blogged in a while, but I'm still here. I still read everyone's posts religiously I just haven't found the time to write my own (plus my husband has been hogging the computer). I read the blogs off my iPhone, but to post on there takes forever because it's not the easiest thing to type on. That being said, this post will probably be a lot of random thoughts thrown together.

I've been doing pretty good lately. I was fortunate enough that an old friend of mine put me in touch with a friend of hers who is a baby lost mom, too. We had been e-mailing back and forth for a couple weeks and then on Thursday she and I brought our husbands and met up for dinner. It was kind of like a blind date...haha. We'd never met or anything so we really didn't know who we were looking for when we got to the restaurant. It was awkward at first (naturally), but quickly we all got to talking and it was sooo nice!! It was my first time meeting someone in person who shared this unfortunate experience. It was great, really. There was some sort of relief in being in the presence of a fellow mom (and couple) who is living this same nightmare. I can't describe it. Just know that it was good for me...good for us. The best part overall though, for me, was that Mike got to talk to another baby lost dad. I've had you lovely ladies of blog world since about 2 weeks in, but Mike hasn't had anyone at all except me & my parents. He may read my blog, but he hasn't had any interaction. I was so glad that they were able to talk openly about their experiences...we all know how good it feels to share the feelings that we have (especially the ones that make us think we must be crazy) and have someone affirm them. It lets you know that you're not alone, you're not crazy, and that it's natural to have those feelings. I really wanted that for Mike. I'm not sure exactly how much they talked about because she and I talked amongst ourselves a lot, but in any case I'm glad he had the chance. I really liked them in general, as people...not just as a couple who had loss in common. I hope we can get together again and maybe be real life friends. I don't have a lot of friends as it is...would you believe I can be kind of mean & bitchy? Sometimes I wonder if that's why Mackenzie was taken from me...but I digress. Basically I just don't make friends easily. It takes a lot for me to let someone new in. She actually invited me to her support group and I'm planning to go with her on Thursday. The support group is also putting on a Walk to Remember on October 10th that I'm excited about. I'm also scared because I can just imagine what kind of mess I'll be on that day, but I totally want to go to honor Mackenzie and to let her know that she will never be forgotten.

Some people found this hard to believe but I went to a baby (girl) shower today. Under any other circumstances I would have excused myself, but this is one of my best friends. She was the only friend that came to the hospital when I was having Mackenzie. She sat by my side for a long time after we'd said goodbye to Mackenzie and it wasn't pretty. Not only was I a mess emotionally, but I was a mess physically too. I had a 3rd degree tear, rip, episiotomy, whatever you want to call it and I was in pain. She sat next to me while I tried forever to (and eventually did manage to) pee in a bed pan for God's sake...now that's a true friend. She went with Mike to get me dinner from Luby's that night. She came back to the hospital the next morning and helped us pick ourselves up and walk out of that hospital empty handed. She went by the pharmacy to get my prescriptions and then she came to the house and sat in bed with me & we watched a movie. I wasn't exactly watching seeing as how I can't even remember what movie it was. I'm not even sure if I could have done that for her if the situation was reversed. Not that I wouldn't, but I don't think I would have known what to do or how to be there for someone like me. She was just there and her presence just helped me feel a little tiny bit normal even though for the most part I was feeling like an outcast (among other things). All the while, she was pregnant herself. She must have been scared and uncomfortable, to say the least. We all know how it feels to know more than we ever wanted to about what can go wrong in a pregnancy. She just treated me the same as ever and that was the best gift. So that is my super long explanation of why I attended this baby shower. If she could be there for me through something as horrific as the death, delivery, and goodbye to my first born child, I could surely manage to be present and happy for her in her first pregnancy. I just prayed the whole way there that God would just guard my heart and help me keep it together during the shower. I made a deal with God that if he helped me to get through the baby shower without breaking down, that I would be more than happy to spend the rest of my day miserable and crying if that's what it took. Well, thankfully I got more than I bargained for. I had a good day all the way through. I didn't even cry at the cemetery. The only time I really felt like I might lose it was when she opened a gift and it was the same ladybug receiving blankets I have for Mackenzie. I had to look away. I think she knew because she put it away quickly. But overall it was a nice time. I love when I have days where I can be happy remembering Mackenzie, even though I'm so sad. I was trying to explain to a friend of mine what it feels like to be sad all the time, even when I'm happy. How my grief is always present like a shadow or a grey cloud above my head. I don't have to explain that here though. If you're reading this you probably know first hand. I just don't always want to think of her with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. It's nice to just rejoice sometimes in the simple fact that I was lucky enough to be her mommy, in how beautiful she really was, and that I created her with the love of my life/best friend. Mackenzie gave me the best gift I've ever received, a love like I've never known. Before Mackenzie I didn't think it was possible to love something or someone this much. It's my love for her that keeps my broken heart from shattering irreparably. I can only imagine how that love would have grown had her little life not been cut so tragically short.

On another note, I'm approximately 30 lbs. from my goal weight. I made this goal for myself and I've told myself that I will not ttc again until I have met (or come really close to) that goal. Some people don't understand why I don't just go ahead and get pregnant again now and then lose the weight all at once after that. I just see that as a bigger obstacle in the future. If we are lucky enough to get pregnant again and even luckier to bring that baby home...I highly doubt I'll be spending much time focusing on getting the weight off. Unfortunately right now I have all the time in the world. I just don't want to doom myself to being overweight for the rest of my life. I want to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight (or really close to it...haha) and focus on staying healthy and only gaining the recommended amount of weight next time. I don't ever want to see the numbers on the scale that I did when I was full term with Mackenzie. It was astronomical for me. My husband understands. He knows how I am about my weight. He tells me I have a "complex." He doesn't care what I weigh (or at least that's what he says). He was so awesome during my pregnancy (and still is) and he made me feel sexy and beautiful no matter what the scale said or how repulsive I felt. Believe me, losing this weight has nothing to do with how my husband feels about me...it's about how I feel about me. Ok sorry for the rambling about that. The point is that I have 30 lbs to go and 3.5 months to lose it (because my plan is to start ttc in January). I can't wait to try again and yet I'm terrified. I remember reading a blog a couple months ago where she said that until the fear of another loss outweighs the desire to have a living child at home, that she will keep trying. That's where I'm at right now. I have so much motherly love pent up and I just need to be able to pour that love into another child of mine, of ours. As scared as I may be, I have so much more to lose if I don't try.