Tis the Season for Shutterfly 8i8

Last year I didn't do Christmas cards because I felt like it would portray the illusion that we were happy and "over" Mackenzie's death. This year with a new bundle of joy in our lives I feel like we can celebrate both our babies in a beautiful Christmas card. I love all of the items I've ever seen from Shutterfly, from birth announcements to photo books. I plan to create a family Christmas card from Shutterfly this year with photos of our family. Here are just a few of the cards I'm considering:

Count Your Blessings

Swirling Ornaments

Fa LaLa

I also intend to use Shutterfly to create Paisley's birth announcements just as soon as I get her newborn pictures back from the photographer. I'll follow up with a post of both the Christmas cards we use and the birth announcements :) I'm excited to have a beautiful, healthy baby to show off this holiday season <3 Praise God!!

Quick Post

Paisley will be two weeks tomorrow and my husband goes back to work tomorrow, too. I'm never going to sleep again :-/ She already has her days and nights mixed up which makes for a crazy/zombie mommy, lol. I have been getting up all night with her and my hubby would get up with her in the morning and let me sleep til 11am (or later). Now I will have to do it all by myself...yikes! I had him buy me some energy drinks.

I've been trying to sing to Paisley, but it NEVER FAILS that when I sing Jesus Loves Me to her I break down and cry thinking about Mackenzie. Also, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star has a similar effect. My sweet baby Mackenzie...I will never stop missing her. I included her picture and a ladybug in some of our maternity pictures and just yesterday did the same in Paisley's newborn pictures. I know the photographers think I'm nuts but it's not about them. I couldn't live with myself if I left out our first born daughter. She's so loved and missed.

Here is a bittersweet moment as we took Paisley to the cemetery to "meet" her sister and decorate for Christmas:

Paisley Noelle is here!

I know I posted that our rainbow, Paisley, was born alive & well...but here are a few details :)

She was born 11/22/2010 at 12:25 PM

She weighed in at a tiny 5 lbs 15 oz and was 19 inches long (Mackenzie was 9 lbs 7 oz & 20.5 inches)

My c-section went very smoothly and very quickly to my surprise. I was laying on the table talking to my husband when all of the sudden my doc said "ok she will be out in just a second" and I wasn't even aware they'd started! Sure enough, in just a few seconds she was out and screaming and I was bawling my eyes out. The sound of her crying was the absolute best thing I've ever heard. Not only was she crying, but she was loud and her lungs sounded strong. Although we were worried about her lung maturity, everything was perfect when she was born. She didn't need any special attention at all :)

One thing that was pretty sweet...when I was laying on the operating table while they were sewing me up and Mike was in the other room helping them weigh and bathe Paisley, the song "In the Arms of an Angel" came on over the radio they had on in there and I just knew that Mackenzie was there watching over us. I was lying there just quietly singing along and thinking of the daughter that came first...crying of course. Here are the lyrics in case you've never heard the song:

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance

For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here


You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

We got to go home Wednesday afternoon and everything has been great at home...except my sleeping, lol. My mom has been staying with us and she's been a life saver because if she wasn't here I would not have slept at all. I'm too scared to fall asleep because I'm so scared something will happen to Paisley. I'm scared she'll stop breathing or she'll choke on her spit up or something. It's terrifying. I have the Angelcare Monitor but I'm still pretty paranoid. We'll see how tonight goes :)
 
 

She's here, alive & well. Perfect. Thank you Jesus <3

30 minutes until we leave for the hospital...still scared to death...please pray!

35 weeks 3 days - 11 days to go

Isn't that insane??? Only 11 days til my c-section date! Although it SOUNDS like it's right around the corner, I am struggling BIG TIME with my anxiety and literally every day feels like an eternity. I wake up at night in a panic thinking she's died and I wait sometimes an hour or more to feel what I deem to be an acceptable amount of movement before I allow myself to go back to sleep...if I can. Most days I'm still convinced that she's not going to make it...as morbid as that may sound. I am trying to have faith and I pray daily for her safe arrival but I just can't help thinking that something is lurking around the corner just waiting to steal my joy again. Not knowing what caused Mackenzie's stillbirth has proven to be a huge factor in this pregnancy because since I don't know what it is...I can't really watch out for it. Although I'm happy to be healthy with seemingly no indication that anything like what happened to Mackenzie will reoccur, I still can't get past the fear of that unknown. There is an occasional moment where I allow myself to really consider what it will be like if she's born alive. To hear her cry. To see her eyes open. God how I hope and pray I get to live that miracle. I've been really paranoid this entire pregnancy about planning too far in advance. I didn't want to schedule maternity pictures or the newborn class at the hospital or anything like that too far in advance for fear that I would jinx myself. So I waited until the last minute for both, but they are done and over with now. The next thing I allowed myself to schedule is newborn pics for a week after she's born. I'm so nervous about that. I had to talk myself out of asking the photographer if she would refund the deposit if my baby died...I decided not to start off on that note. I've been too nervous to wash her baby clothes or bedding or setup the bassinette or put the car seat anywhere near the car. I haven't packed the hospital bag although at this point obviously I will need one either way. I was doing really well until we hit the 2 week mark and since then I've just been gripped with fear. I was so fearful on Monday that I had a minor breakdown at my high risk doctor's appointment after my ultrasound. I asked her if she would just take her out NOW. I didn't feel like I could wait 2 more weeks. Well, not so much that I couldn't wait, but I just fear my body will fail us both and she won't make it 2 more weeks in my womb. To my surprise, my doctor suggested we do an amnio to see if her lungs were mature and if they were she would have my regular doctor move up my c-section date. So I consented to the amnio, had it done in the next 5 minutes (piece of cake actually...relatively painless) and waited 24 hours for the results. Unfortunately, her lungs were not mature. Far from it actually. According to the doctor, less than 40% is considered immature and hers were at 16%. She said she really expected a higher number for a 35 weeker. Just my luck. So for the past two days I've gotten steroid injections to help her lungs along so that she will be ready for her big debut on the 22nd. God how I hope her lungs are ready on the 22nd because after all this time I would just hate to have her go to the NICU when all I want is her in my arms. Admittedly, I would much rather have a live baby with a little NICU time than the alternative, but of course no one wants their baby to go to the NICU. My husband and I actually got into a little fight over the fact that I did the amnio to try to get her out sooner. He felt like I did it because I'm impatient and just tired of being pregnant. Honestly, even if it was because I was tired of being pregnant...I don't really think that's too much to ask. I've been pregnant 3 times in the last 2 years with only a few months break in between. I will have been pregnant 41 weeks, 8 weeks, and 37 weeks by the time it's all said and done just to have one live baby (Lord willing). BUT that's not at all why I want her out ASAP. I'm scared to death that my body will fail her...I want her out because I feel like she will be safer on the outside. I feel like every day we have to get through is just another chance for her to slip away. It really had nothing to do with how I feel...I don't mind being pregnant at all. I don't feel too uncomfortable or large (although I am large). I love feeling her move around in there and being pregnant is definitely a blessing and a gorgeous experience, but I just want the prize after all this time. I ended up in hysterics as we fought on the phone about all this...bawling and screaming that I'm tired of waking up each morning in a panic thinking she's dead. I've done a great job of keeping my fear and anxiety to myself up to this point, so he was caught off guard to hear me say that and to hear me fall apart. He apologized and realized where I was coming from with all of it and I understood his concern too about taking her out too soon. Needless to say, we don't have to worry about that anyways because she's not ready...so 11 more days it is. If you're the praying kind, please pray for my sanity over the next 11 days, for a safe delivery, and for a live, screaming, baby at the end of it all.

Here are some of our maternity pics:

 A family photo <3

 Her nursery theme is owls :)



29 Weeks

I know it's been over a month since I blogged, but our desktop computer is a complete piece of crap and I hardly ever sit down to attempt to use it. I decided to give it a try while my hubby is out getting us Taco Bell :)

This will probably be radom/rambling...

I am doing ok. Paisley is doing good...moving around a lot. We are both getting bigger. Well, I am getting very big...I'll know how big she is in about 2 weeks when I have my next ultrasound. I hope she's getting huge to explain why I'm such a giant. I think I am gaining weight because sometimes I eat just to get her to move. She's kinda stubborn and doesn't just move around because I'm poking her. It seems she needs a stimulant like food or orange juice ;) I'm getting more and more paranoid as the date of my scheduled c-section gets closer. It's like the closer I get the worse my anxiety is. 20% of the time I'm hopeful and pretty sure she's coming home with me. The other 80% of the time I'm planning what to do with her after she's born still, like what to bury her in and what her headstone will look like. Morbid, I know. I can't help it. I pray she does make it here alive and well and that she forgives me one day for assuming the worst. I love her SO MUCH and I don't know what I will do if she doesn't make it. I am so freaking ready to be an earthly mommy. I think I'll be a great mom and I just really really really want to be given that chance.

I'll try to post more later on...maybe this weekend.

Thanks for your continued prayers and positive thoughts! :)

Catching Up

I know it's been FOREVER since I sat down to make a *real* post, but I've finally found the time to sit in front of the computer so here goes...

I will be 20 weeks on Monday and while I feel like it's an accomplishment I also feel the weight of the 17 weeks to come. I am definitely not convinced that this baby girl will be coming home with us. I feel like we are just going through the motions. I feel like I am preparing for her death or something twisted like that. I have been buying her little outfits here and there lately and I bought a few things to start decorating the nursery for her, but every time I buy something I think "will this be something I'll want to save when she dies?" or "should I keep the receipt for this? would I be willing to return this if she dies?" It's crazy and morbid and just so wrong, but I can't help feeling this way. I'm staying positive for the most part though, at least outwardly. It sounds even crazier when I type it out, but I've been looking forward to 20 weeks so that if she dies they will consider her stillborn instead of miscarried. Insane, right? Yeah. I don't want her to die. I want to dress her up and love her and show her off. But like another BLM said the other day...pregnancy does not equal live baby for me. Especially since Mackenzie's death remains a mystery. We don't know what the hell happened to her? Poor baby. We did an autopsy and everything (much to my disgust in retrospect) and still we have NO answers. So no matter how far along I get in this pregnancy, there will never be a point where I can breathe a sigh of relief because we've made it past a certain milestone. Granted, I will be delivering at 37 weeks this time...but losing a baby at 41 weeks due to "unknown causes" is the biggest load of shit. I use my doppler every single day. And if my husband is around I always tell him "well...she's still alive." He doesn't seem surprised, in fact, I think he's getting annoyed that I don't have more faith that she will remain alive. But, he doesn't get it. I mean, yes, he experienced it too...but I just don't think he can grasp what it was like for me to be carrying our baby, our first baby, and have her die inside me. No man will ever understand that fully, and frankly...I'm glad he didn't have to experience that part. I wish no one else ever had to experience that part. Anyways, I'm starting to feel her move more often and that's a double edged sword. On the one hand, I'm glad I'm feeling movement and it can be reassuring at times. On the other hand, when I don't feel as much movement one day as I did the day before I get worried thinking that something's wrong. I also worry when I feel more movement than usual because I'm afraid she might be in distress. God I miss the innocence of being pregnant and not knowing what could go wrong. I'm so glad to know all my blogger friends and my support group friends, but sometimes I feel like I know too much. Not only do I worry about what might have happened with Mackenzie, but now I also worry about the things that happened to your babies, too. I'm actually very afraid of delivering vaginally now for fear of complications during birth. My 20 week appointment is on Monday and I plan to ask my doctor if I can choose to have a c-section. Although I'm sure that has its own complications, too. This is just such a scary thing. I literally cannot fathom bringing Paisley home in 17 weeks. Will my mind ever allow me to go there?

I've been so annoyed with people lately for telling me they just *know* everything's going to be ok this time. Really? That's a load of shit. If you're so "all knowing" why the hell didn't you tell me that Mackenzie was going to die? I guess I'm just being a bitch but it's not at all comforting for people to act like something terrible can't happen again. We all need to be cautiously optimistic. My rose colored glasses were revoked on June 16, 2009. People are so sure that because we've already endured so much that this time it just HAS to work out. That's not true...as we all know. Hell, my 2nd pregnancy ended pretty abruptly and unexpectedly. Who would have guessed that after a full term stillbirth that the next pregnancy would be ectopic? Sure as hell not me.

Well, I know I've been a real depressing drag in this post, but it's whats been on my mind in my absence from blogging. On the flip side, I am enjoying being pregnant and watching my belly grow again. I was so excited to know for sure that this is a girl and to get to name her. Paisley is a name we almost went with for Mackenzie, but decided against it. This time it was really our only choice. I'm glad it's a girl for many reasons, but really grateful that as sisters they can share their middle name. It was decided long ago that this baby's theme would be owls, so I'm constantly on the look out for owl clothes, decor, etc. It really has been such a comfort that we can associate ladybugs with Mackenzie and if Paisley dies (God forbid) I want something similar for her. There I go again...making preparations for her death...I disgust myself.

Please forgive my craziness. Maybe next post will be more positive. To leave you with something more up beat, here is me at 18w5d:

It's officially a GIRL! Paisley Noelle :) I know I said I'd post more, but I'm exhausted. Hopefully tomorrow.

Tomorrow at 1:30 we go for our anatomy scan. Can't wait to find out the sex of this baby so we can start calling it by name :) I'll post tomorrow with a

Mackenzie's First Birthday - Intro

I don't really have the energy to post everything I want about Mackenzie's birthday this past Thursday, but I just wanted to let you guys know that it went perfectly. I took the Wednesday before her birthday, her birthday, and the day after her birthday off work...best decision EVER. It really helped me get things together and relax. I didn't plan much for her actual birthday, but we met my parents & brother for lunch at Chuy's and then later went to the cemetery to release ladybugs, butterflies, and balloons. We had cake on a big blanket and it was just a really nice relaxing time to celebrate her. I cried that morning before getting out of bed, but I pulled it together for the rest of the day. While we were at the cemetery for cake & stuff, 4 of my girlfriends showed up with balloons and flowers so it kind of turned into a party. I LOVE those girls. They have been AMAZING to me through all this and really...you couldn't ask for better friends. The only disappointment for me was not receiving more cards for Mackenzie. No one in my family sent anything...whatever. I even sent out about 50 remembrance cards a week before her birthday thinking that would spur people to maybe get a card or something, but I was wrong. Oh well, I'm not letting it get me down. They are truly the ones missing out on celebrating Mackenzie! She probably won't send any ladybugs their way ;) Oh, one AWESOME thing was that while I wasn't at work my department sent people outside 5 by 5 to release balloons for Mackenzie. They even took pics of each release and sent them to me at the end of the day. They handed out ladybug stickers to all my co-workers, too. That just made my day!!! Here are a few pics to hold you over until I really get into posting in detail:

Me & my hubby with all Mackenzie's party decor :) All the flowers (except the ones in her vase) are from my friends and all but 4 of the balloons are from them, too!

We got two sets of ladybugs to release: one at the cemetery and one at our house in her garden. This is me & my 14 week belly releasing them in her garden. My cat, Pickles, was present as well :)

This last one is me and the 4 of my girlfriends that stopped by for Mackenzie's birthday. You can see the blanket and cake in the background. We released these balloons and we werent paying attention to where we were and most of them popped in the trees. Cool thing was, the only ones that didn't pop were two of the pink ones. I thought it was sweet that the pink ones made it to her <3

I had a party with these friends and a few others on Saturday where I decorated with a ladybug theme! It was so cute...I have pics for later. Anyways, thanks to everyone who was thinking of us and to those of you who sent her a card or gift. It really meant the world to me!!!

I just realized...I've officially made it to the SECOND TRIMESTER!!! I never thought I would get this far again. This has already been a daily struggle mentally. I just have to keep my eye on the prize <3

My NT scan went well but we still have to wait on the bloodwork. The fantastic news is, they're pretty sure it's a GIRL!!! I'm trying not to get my hopes up but God knows how much I want another girl. We'll see if she's still a girl in a few weeks :)

Good Appointment

Just thought I'd update you guys on how my appointment went this afternoon. Everything went great! I got to see that my little Gummy Bear has graduated into a tiny little person :) His/Her heart rate was great and he/she was squirming all around. I can't wait until I can feel it!! I didn't realize it going in, but I had to have my pap smear today, too. That sucks because that means I'll probably bleed and freak out a little. Oh well, at least for today I know this little person is alive and kicking (literally). I asked her if it was ok to dye my hair and get a pedicure (because I had been too nervous to do so) and she said that was fine. What is your opinion on that?

My next appointment with her is June 30th, but before that I have my sequential screening next Thursday the 10th so I will get to see baby again then. I don't think my doctor scheduled an ultrasound at my 16 week appointment which is a BUMMER b/c I was hoping to find out the gender then. Maybe I can talk her into it :) I found out with Mackenzie at 16-17 weeks so that would be fun to do again. Here are some pics from today's ultrasound:

Big head like his/her daddy ;)

This isn't a great picture, but if you can tell...it's like he/she's sitting in there with his/her knees bent!

Big head & body :)

Here's a 12 week belly shot from when I was trying on clothes at Target :) Keep in mind most of that belly is probably just the fat I've been carrying around since I had Mackenzie.

On a terribly sad note, my doctor told me she had a patient whose baby was stillborn at 38 weeks over the weekend. Just like Mackenzie, there was no explanation. She said she opted for an autopsy, so there could be a result, but for now that poor mom is right where I was almost a year ago and my heart just breaks for her. It gives me goosebumps every time I hear of another tragic loss. I just hate to think what they're about to go through and continue to go through forever and ever. You don't ever get over it and even when you've found your new normal...it still colors your life. I'll definitely be praying for that family.

12 Weeks

I am 12 weeks today and I am going tomorrow at 3:20 PM for my 12 week appointment. My doctor knows how comforting it is for me to see the baby, so she setup an ultrasound for this appointment too! Thanks to my beloved doppler, I'm finally excited about an appointment! I'm still nervous of course, but at least I can finally go into an appointment knowing the baby is alive (or was before I left for work) instead of assumng the worst and that I'm going to see a dead baby on the monitor again. I will say that the one down side to having my doppler right now is that the baby is going through changes in heart rate. Supposedly babies heart rates peak at about 180 at week 9 and then slowly fall into the 120-160 BPM category around week 12. So with that in mind, I kind of freak myself out when the rate is too high or is getting low. Silly I'm sure, but there's always going to be something that freaks me out I guess. I bet it doesn't help that I check it before I leave for work in the morning (before I've eaten or had anything to drink) and then check it again as soon as I get home from work (after I've eaten). In the morning it's been around 162-165 BPM and then in the evenings it's at about 172-175. Maybe it has to do with eating or my heart rate or something. I'll be sure and ask my doctor tomorrow. In fact, now that I'm getting a little more confident that this baby might stick around a while...I've got a long list of questions to ask her.

The following week, on June 10th I'm scheduled for an appointment with the high risk doctor to get a 12 week NT scan. I googled what that is and it made me nervous. As I'm sure you can agree, sometimes knowing too much is a bad thing. I learned what the measurements and all that are *supposed* to look like and now I'll be a nervous wreck trying to see for myself if I think there's something wrong. The scan is supposed to screen for Downs Syndrome, Trisomy 13 & 18, etc. I really hope baby is healthy!!! A good thing about the scan is that there is a chance I could find out the gender! Wouldn't that be so freaking exciting?!!??! I can't wait!

If I do find out the gender...then I will tell my parents. If not, we're still playing it by ear. Something crazy happened this weekend: My parents hosted our family reunion at their house and I had bought some shorts and a shirt to wear from Old Navy. That morning I put the shirt on and *BAM* I'm showing. It was the weirdest thing. I had to change shirts because even my hubby agreed that it was kind of obvious. I'm not even sure how well the shirt I wore instead hid it but no one asked me anything so that's fine by me. I really hadn't been showing prior to Saturday. I think just recently I finally gained like 1.5-2 lbs if that because over the past month or so my stomach would get very upset after I ate so I wasn't gaining weight and for a couple of weeks I was actually losing weight. I'm excited to start showing because I like being pregnant and having the belly but I just don't want everyone at work to notice yet. I don't need all those vultures hounding me.

I'll try to post tomorrow after my appointment. If you don't mind, keep praying for me...we all know how things can look promising and then come crashing down.

Stop the Madness

Maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but I just want to put it out there that I am SICK AND FREAKING TIRED of bleeding every 3 days. WTF is it?!?! I'm still pregnant...heartbeat in the 175-180's...and yet it never fails...every 3 days I bleed enough to scare the shit out of me. Granted, it's not much blood and it doesn't even last very long, but EVERY SINGLE TIME I see blood I think "oh no...he's dead." This usually happens to me at work long before it's time to go home. So I count the minutes until I can get home and check the doppler. So far so good. In my heart, I really think it's just vaginal/cervical bleeding and not anything to do with the baby but it's getting old. I had bleeding with Mackenzie but it stopped after like 7-8 weeks. I'm almost 12 weeks now and it's still hanging around. Is it not possible to have a normal, no complication pregnancy? Haven't I had enough of this scary shit?

Ok thanks for letting me vent. For the record THANK GOD I HAVE THE DOPPLER. I'd have already been back in the doctor's office for an ultrasound to make sure the baby is still alive otherwise. I love using this thing and I use the crap out of it too. I use it before I go to work in the morning and again as soon as I get home. It's so reassuring and allows me (for the most part) to actually "feel" pregnant and not walk around every day assuming that I'm carrying a dead baby.

We still have not told our families yet. I have been debating on just waiting until I start showing or until we find out the sex, but I also have thought of telling them after my 12 week appointment next week. I don't know. I just feel like it will be too much pressure to have everyone know and asking me questions all the time. Plus I'm afraid to get their hopes up in case I lose this little guy. Of course, my hopes are already up so i will be devastated...but I'm hesitant to do that to them again. It was like Christmas morning when I told them I was pregnant with Skyler (actually, it was literally Christmas morning). Everyone was soooo freaking excited and crying and all that good stuff. Too bad I had to tell them that baby wasn't going to make it either. I'm pretty sure they won't be as excited this time. Can I blame them? I'm 0-2. That's sort of why I want to wait until I'm further along, so they can feel more confident...so I can feel more confident. But really, who am I kidding? Making it to 20 weeks is no guarantee. I know all too well that making it to 41 is no guarantee. Ughhhhh decisions decisions. I'll let you guys know what we decide, but until then...remember that it's not public knowledge so don't say anything on Facebook :)

I love gummy bears :)

I'm happy to report that I'm 10 weeks and 2 days pregnant! I know that's not very far along but hell, I didn't even think I'd make it this far (sad, I know) so this is an accomplishment in my book. On Monday evening I had another scare...as usual. I was having some bleeding and of course...I freaked out. I'm a little bit psycho though because when it happens (and it has happened before) I freak out silently. I don't tell my husband. I just freak out and immediately conclude that the baby is dead and go about my business. So Monday night I followed my usual routine and then Tuesday morning I called and talked to the nurse and told her. She didn't seem too concerned about the bleeding since I never have cramping, but she did want me to have peace of mind so they fit me in to the schedule. Every time I go in for an ultrasound I've already convinced myself that the baby is dead so my blood pressure is through the roof. I have yet to go to this doctor and have a normal blood pressure reading. When I get in the room they always want to talk to me about future appointments and future this and that. I don't think they fully grasp that before the ultrasound I think this is crazy talk because it's ridiculous to be talking about the future of a dead baby. Then...thank God...the ultrasound showed that everything was fine with the baby and it's officially a gummy bear!!! I remember just falling IN LOVE with Mackenzie at the "gummy bear" stage. This was no different. I watched this lil guy (as I'm referring to it) wiggle around and move it's tiny little arms & legs. A miracle...really. Perfect heartbeat and perfect growth at this point. I couldn't ask for much more...oh...well...I am praying that this random bleeding stops. It happens to me every once in a while and it freaks me out, as I've already said. It never seems to amount to much and the doctor said there isn't really a way for her to tell what it is. She *thinks* that it's maybe blood vessels rupturing on my cervix because they are so exposed and sensitive. I'm trying to just hold onto that though because that same thing did happen early on with Mackenzie. Although with her, the bleeding stopped for good at like 8 weeks. Anyways, I'll take a healthy baby w/ heart beat when I can get it though. Here he/she is:

Prior to the emergency appointment, I wasn't feeling many pregnancy symptoms anymore so *of course* I thought I had lost the baby. So I ordered an at home fetal doppler and had it overnighted. It actually didn't arrive until the evening after my appointment so I already knew the baby was still in there and ok, but I still wanted to use it anways. I was skeptical about finding the heartbeat at 10 weeks but I was able to find it within the minute. It was/is music to my ears. I could listen to it for hours on end. I'm ashamed to admit this, but when I was pregnant with Mackenzie I remember at one of my routine appointments that the nurse got all excited when she heard Mackenzie's heartbeat on the doppler and asked if I was excited to hear it. I kind of told her that I wasn't too excited and that I'd heard it plenty of times before...nothing new. Well, obviously I would KILL to hear that little heartbeat again...even for one more minute...and I feel like a monster that I ever said that. I will definitely not be taking a heartbeat for granted EVER again. So this doppler is awesome and it's digital so it reads out the heart rate on the screen. Baby #3 (not sure what to nickname it yet) has a current heartrate of 181 which is perfect for a 10 weeker. By 12 weeks it should fall into the 120-160 range. This doppler also has a feature that allows you to record and play back the heartbeat!!! SO NEAT! Also, you can download the sound file to the computer and save it. I just did that before I started this post :) I wanted to put it on here for ya'll to hear but I have no clue how to do that if it's even possible.

Sorry this is getting long...but one more thing. I have told my best friend, my 8 closest girlfriends, and 2 co-workers that I'm pregnant but I still haven't told my parents! I keep saying that I will tell them after my next appointment...but each appointment comes and goes and I still don't tell them. I was going to tell them after my confirmation appointment but I thought it was still too early. I'm 10 weeks now and I could telll them, but I'm not. I thought about telling them after the 12 week appointment, but that's not sounding right either. So my current plan is to wait until they notice I'm pregnant :) haha We don't see each other on a daily or sometimes even weekly basis, so I think it will be fun to wait til it becomes obvious. I guess my "cut off" for waiting on them to notice will be once I find out the gender. I guess I'm afraid to tell my family most of all because I don't want them to get their hopes up in case something happens. I'd rather tell them "ok here's the deal, I was pregnant but I lost the baby" rather than have another repeat horror moment when we had to tell them Mackenzie died. I know that's probably not the right thing to do or the right way to think, but IS there a "right" way for a baby loss mom? I mean, who else goes through their pregnancy and thinks their baby is dead every day? I guess it comes with the very unwanted territory.

In the meantime, please keep me & baby #3 in your thoughts & prayers. I'm really hoping third time's a charm! <3

*** PS - Remembering sweet baby George Patrick Andrew on his first birthday today. You are definitely loved and missed by so many people. I'm sorry I never got the chance to know you, George! I know you are a super special baby boy! I'm glad at least Mackenzie has you as an angel friend <3 ***

I ordered a fetal Doppler today. It should be here Tuesday. I just have to know for myself if I'm still pregnant, rather than wait two more weeks to hear it from my doc. I guess it is prob a bad idea in case I can't find a heartbeat, but I just have to. I feel like I'm having less symptoms so I want reassurance.

It's a Miracle

Today was my confirmation appointment at the doctor's office. I was so nervous I can't even describe it. I can tell you that I called in sick to work this morning because I felt like I was incapable of sitting at work for 3 hours waiting for my appointment. I also worried that if something was wrong, I'd have to call and tell them I wouldn't be back in today. So I saved myself the misery and called in sick :)

I told the nurse at my doctor's office that if there even is a baby, I've already convinced myself it's dead. We all know only other loss moms can truly understand us, but at least she didn't judge me. She stayed optimistic and told me she knows it's hard and that it's going to continue to be hard. Finally the doctor came in and she knows my history (she was my doc for the ectopic pregnancy with Skyler) and she said she wanted to just get right to it and do the ultrasound. She said I was making her nervous by having my eyes glued to the screen as she started the scan, but how could I look away? Of course I knew it as soon as I saw it...a baby! A real one that's actually inside my uterus this time!! Then I saw the little flickering heartbeat and I started crying. I couldn't help myself. It was the exact opposite of what I thought I'd be seeing today and it was amazing. My doc said she was about to cry too :) She let me hear the heartbeat and it was 149! <3

Here is my little rainbow...

I am 8 weeks today. My due date is December 13th but I told my doctor that I have no intentions of going to 40 weeks and that 38 would be my limit. She said she is going to have a high risk doctor co-manage my pregnancy with her since Mackenzie's cause of death is unknown. I'm fine with that. In fact, I was going to insist on that myself or else I was just going to strictly see a high risk doctor. She also assured me that she will let the entire staff know that I'm allowed to freak out and call whenever I want and to treat me well. I was intending to seek another doctor who doesn't deliver at the same hospital where I had Mackenzie but if I continue to like how she treats me & this baby I may just suck it up and insist I don't ever have to go back in that same room. My next appointment is June 1st and she scheduled another ultrasound because she knows it will give me peace of mind! For today...I am so excited! Tomorrow I will resume my nervousness and count the days til my next visit.

PS - this baby is truly a miracle baby (not that they all aren't by you know...) because we tried ONE time and I only have ONE tube and somehow this little rainbow is fluttering around in my womb! I really hope I get to bring this one home!!

We have a heartbeat! :) Still nervous, but excited to get good news for the first time in 11 months. I'm 7 wks 5 days!

I know I haven't been writing but there's not much to say. I have my confirmation appt at noon on Monday. I'm still not convinced there's a live baby in my womb but my constant nausea would indicate otherwise. Only time will tell.

Ok the black hole where the baby should form was located in my uterus...not my tube...thank God. But I'm really early...like 3.5 weeks so there was nothing to really see. No yolk sac or anything. Guess we just wait...

My doc said her machine isn't good enough to do an u/s this early, so I have an appt at the hospital at 2. I'm so nervous :-/ Just wanted to keep u posted.

My doctors appointment is tomorrow at 11:50 am! I'm nervous, but cautiously optimistic. The bleeding stopped for now so that makes me more confident. Please pray that I see a healthy lil peanut with a strong heartbeat <3 I can't take anything less...

Only 12 days until we walk for March of Dimes! Anyone still interested in donating click here: http://marchforbabies.org/teammackenzienoelle We are one of the top 6 teams in our area but we want to be #1 :) Go Team Mackenzie Noelle!!! <3

Made a call to my dr's office today and spoke with someone on call. There are traces of blood in my discharge (sorry, tmi). It's not always there and it's minimal but I'm still scared. My appointment wednesday can't come soon enough!!

The digital test says "Pregnant" :) I'm too nervous to be excited, but please pray this time is a happy ending. And don't post about it on my Facebook please :) I won't tell IRL people for a while!

Faint or Invisible

So here's the deal...I've taken two pregnancy tests in the last couple of days and both times there was this extremely faint pink line. When I say faint...I mean FAINT. At first I was sure I was just willing it to appear, but then I showed my husband and he saw it too but even he wasn't convinced of what it meant.

********UPDATE: Per a comment on this post I am posting pictures of the test for your scrutiny. Let me know what you think...*******************

Today I called my doctor per all of your suggestions to get a blood test and the appointment lady told me they "don't typically make those types of appointments" and that "the doctor will probably want to see you." So they wouldn't let me schedule an appointment to come in for a blood test until they talked to my doctor and got her "ok." Which is insanely stupid and I swear *if* I am pregnant...and it's ectopic...they'll be sorry. I am trying to catch this early if I am pregnant to make sure it's not ectopic. I only have one tube left and I can't afford to lose it too.

I still haven't started my period...I'm 4-5 days late. My boobs still hurt and my lower back is starting to hurt, too. Hell, I'm not even sure if you can feel symptoms this soon. I ovulated on the 25th of March. Honestly I feel like I am pregnant but I'm a little scared to say that and then be wrong because I will feel stupid. I really want to be pregnant...don't we all. I'm planning to take a digital test tomorrow to see if that will be more clear, lol. I've spent a lot of money on pregnancy tests lately. My co-worker is talking to me like I'm insane, but honestly...once you've lost two babies...even one baby...getting pregnant is like tunnel vision and the waiting is unbearable.

PS - Sorry for all the short posts. When I post something short it's because I'm doing it off my phone and it only allows a few sentences or else it posts each part of it separately. Stupid, I know.

PSS - Anyone feeling generous please visit my March of Dimes site http://marchforbabies.org/teammackenzienoelle to donate. We've raised a lot already, but I've personally only raised $130 according to my numbers and you have to raise $200 to receive a free shirt :) Technically I've raised closer to $285 but instead of donating on my personal page some people donated on the team page which doesn't calculate into my numbers. Anyways, this is a great cause and any amount helps. The walk is on April 24th and I promise to post pics of the team (of 30!!) in our super cute Team Mackenzie Noelle shirts :)

Seriously. I'm going crazy. My period was due yesterday and it hasn't shown up yet but the preg test was negative yesterday. Today my boobs are killing me which has only ever happened the 2 times I've been preggo, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up...

I am driving myself insane wondering if I'm pregnant. I'm psycho to the point where I'm hoping every little thing is a symptom. I stayed home dizzy/nauseous today and was happy cuz I thought that might be morning sickness. It hasn't even been a week since we tried. I think i've lost my mind :(

Maybe TMI, but after a big fight about why we weren't doing "it" we finally did. The next day my ovulation predictor said I was ovulating so we did "it" again, lol. I'm really praying that I'll get pregnant this month cuz fighting about trying to have a baby is exhausting. Send me all your baby dust :)

Does my husband think I'm going to get pregnant just by willing a baby into existence??? Ugh! I wish I could get pregnant by myself, but I can't. This may be TMI but I told him this afternoon we needed to "do it" tonight and instead he's asleep. I don't know which I want more: to punch him or cry. I guess the latter.

And the winner is................

The Winner Is…

Sarita!!!

Here’s how I did it:

Christy W 1-10

Sarita B 11-20

Michelle R 21-30

Ashley D 31-40

Rikki D 41-50

Jacquie 51-75

And random.org chose #19

Thanks to all who participated!! I’ve now exceeded my personal goal of $100 by $10 and the team is now at $625 with a goal of $750! I appreciate all your support!! I’m so glad to be doing something meaningful in Mackenzie’s honor! :)

Last chance for the GIVEAWAY!!!

I'll announce the winner tomorrow :)

http://mackenziesmama.blogspot.com/2010/03/giveaway-for-march-of-dimes-team.html

GIVEAWAY!!!

You still have one more day to enter :)

http://mackenziesmama.blogspot.com/2010/03/giveaway-for-march-of-dimes-team.html

GIVEAWAY!!!

We've raised $30 through this giveaway so far!! Thanks to those who have participated! You still have until Friday to enter. Remember, it only takes $1 to enter for one chance to win. The more you donate the more chances you have :)

http://mackenziesmama.blogspot.com/2010/03/giveaway-for-march-of-dimes-team.html

GIVEAWAY!!! Don't forget My giveaway closes on Friday! http://mackenziesmama.blogspot.com/2010/03/giveaway-for-march-of-dimes-team.html

Trying Again

Well, it's been almost 3 months since we lost Skyler through my ectopic pregnancy and that's the amount of time we were told to wait before trying again. I intended to take that 3 months and lose some weight, but I really haven't lost much. Oh well. I'd much rather have a living child than be skinny anyways. So, we will start trying in a couple weeks (when I anticipate I will be ovulating) and I'm kind of nervous. My last pregnancy was ectopic and due to those complications I lost one of my fallopian tubes. Now, not only am I scared that we won't be able to get pregnant because I'm down one tube...I'm even more scared of having ANOTHER ectopic pregnancy and losing my only remaining tube. I seem to have terrible luck, and I don't put it past this universe to pull something like that. I do have hope for getting pregnant again and bringing a baby home someday, but of course that hope is heavily clouded with all the negative thoughts. I pray that we can get pregnant within the next two months because that would mean having a baby before the end of this year. When I was pregnant with Skyler I was SO EXCITED because it meant I would have a baby before most of the holidays. I would have dressed him/her up for Halloween, would have had him/her to show off at Thanksgiving, and I'd have a baby to take to the mall to have his/her picture taken with Santa. I only had that excitement for 2 weeks before those dreams were shattered again. At this point, I just want a live baby at home...but it would be nice to have one before Christmas at least. Could I be so lucky? Well, I'm not sure luck is on my side anymore but I will pray. I could use all the good vibes and prayers you can spare, also!

Speaking of holidays...Easter is coming up and I anticipate that will be another hard one. I'm debating on whether or not to go to church. I'm not sure I can handle my friends with their babies all dressed up in their little Easter dresses. It's going to be hard enough to do the standard Easter egg hunt with my husbands kids. I should be helping Mackenzie find her first Easter eggs this year :'(

I'm still not comfortable around babies and pregnant women or people talking about babies & pregnant women. We were at breakfast today and Mike was leading me to a table right behind a couple with a stroller and I told him of course I don't want to sit right behind a baby! So we sat somewhere else, but it really didn't matter because another customer in the restaurant began talking to the couple (loudly, might I add) and he was going on and on about when his daughter was pregnant and as he was saying "yeah and she was having her baby..." and I blurted out sarcastically "and her baby died???? No...probably not." Of course I only said it loud enough for my husband to hear but you can tell I'm still bitter. How fantastic for this guy to be able to gush about his daughters pregnancy with this couple (who turned out to be the grandparents). Freaking fantastic. Well guess what, sir? We don't get to go on and on about Mackenize or Skyler because no one wants to hear about dead babies. People only want to hear about happy endings. In fact, mention a dead baby and the conversation ends quite abruptly and awkwardly. If it makes it any better, I'm not just bitter for me...I'm bitter for my parents, too. They should be those grandparents out to breakfast with their little grandbaby and giving me & Mike a break. I'm sick of being on a break...I want to be up all night with a newborn baby.

PS - check out my previous post for my GIVEAWAY!!!!

GIVEAWAY for March of Dimes ~ Team Mackenzie Noelle

I know I am shamelessly copying Nolan's mommy, but it was a brilliant idea! :) Hope you don't mind, Ashley!

This giveaway is in effort to raise money for the March of Dimes. I am the team captain of Team Mackenzie Noelle and we will be walking in Mackenzie's memory on April 24th here in Texas. This is our first year to get involved, and although Mackenzie was in no way premature (overdue in fact), I still feel compelled to support this cause because a loss is a loss. Not only that, I know so many of you amazing women in blog land lost your precious little ones due to premature birth and that makes this cause even closer to my heart. Since this is my first year, I only set the team goal at $500.00. Of course if we could raise more, that would be fantastic! I'm the team captain and yet one of my team members is totally kicking my butt in the donations department, so this is my way of boosting team morale and doing my part :)

I will be giving away a $30.00 gift certificate to my favorite Etsy shop, Mama Mia Custom Handstamped Jewelry. You can use the gift certificate towards anything in her shop and she does amazing work customized to suit your personality. I actually won Tina's giveaway to her shop last week and she made me the most beautiful necklace for Mackenzie!

$1 will earn you one entry into the drawing, but the more you donate the more chances you have to win. I will get an e-mail with each donation, but please also comment here so I can make sure I count your donation. I will also give one additional entry for anyone who posts the giveaway to their blog, Facebook, or Twitter. Just comment and tell me where you posted it.

I will keep this giveaway open until midnight on Friday (March 19th) and will announce the winner on Saturday.

Follow the link below to see my personal page and click Donate Now. If you're donating less than $10.00 just click "Other Amount" and type in your amount in the box.

http://www.marchforbabies.org/teammackenzienoelle

Thank you in advance for any and all donations!!! <3

Very Disturbing Dreams :(

These past few nights I have been having really disturbing dreams. If the following description of my dreams is going to give you nightmares or upset you then just stop reading now. For real. They are sick and horrifying to think about...but this is MY blog where I get to let out what I need to say. I'm warning you. I just feel like I need to write them down somewhere and get them out of my head before they make me crazy. I wake up in the mornings and recall the dreams and they really eat at me and mess with my head. They make me sad and sick and basically just ruin the start of the day.

The first dream, well...I can't remember how it started, but basically my family had Mackenzie's body wrapped up in a sheet. We unwrapped her and it was obvious she'd been dead a while because her skin was just falling off all over. We were trying to clean her up and we washed away the skin with a water hose (we were outside). Then my mom was trying to get a piece of grass or something off of her face but ended up peeling a piece of the skin off of her face, too. My mom started to get really upset but I was calm. I told her it was ok...let's just keep cleaning her up. There was a bin of clothes and I decided to pick out an outfit for her to be buried in and while looking in the bin I remembered the closet of hers...full of clothes...and I decided I wanted to go look there. I wanted everyone who saw her to think she looked beautiful. Then my mom reminded me that we already had her funeral quite a while ago...and that no one would be there this time when we buried her. I just really wanted people to be there. I really wanted to make her look beautiful for everyone to see. And that's all I remember...

Last night I dreamed I was pregnant with our second baby (the one we lost due to the recent ectopic pregnancy...who I secretly call Skyler and refer to as a boy b/c that's what I think it was) and that, like Mackenzie, Skyler had died and I had to give birth to him anyways. Only it was obvious that I wasn't very pregnant. It was just like my ectopic pregnancy only instead of surgery I had to deliver him naturally. I delivered him at my house and he looked like a little tiny tiny tiny baby...but definitely a baby. Not just a little round thing like in the pictures I have. I held him and he was very white, not discolored like Mackenzie had been. I thought he looked perfect and I just held him and admired him. I wanted to show him off to my mom but she wasn't coming quickly enough so I went to get here and left Skyler there. Before I found my mom I had some paramedics check me to see if the placenta came out too and it hadn't so they delivered that real quick. Then I went back to find my mom. When I found her I told her to come see him and that he was so beautiful. I also told her I wanted to dress him up in an outfit with a hat and socks, too since I didn't get to dress Mackenzie. She told me she'd hidden all the clothes when Mackenzie died so I wouldn't see them and be sad and that she'd have to get them out but that it would take a while. I was so annoyed and I told her that by that time he wouldn't look this way anymore and that he would be purple and discolored from being dead so long. It still took her forever to get the clothes out, but then I picked out the outfit, hat, socks, and diaper and took them to where I had left him. It was only then that I realized that all of these things were infinitely too big for him. He was like the size of a Barbie doll...this wasn't going to work but I was going to try anyways. When I went to where he was I couldn't find him and my husband told me they'd already buried him. I was pissed. I didn't get to dress Mackenzie and I didn't get to see her before they buried her so I was not going to let them take that from me with Skyler so I had them dig up his coffin. Not only did they dig up his, but they dug up Mackenzie's too. They opened the lid to her coffin and I was surprised at how much better she looked than I'd excepted only they had put a wig on her that was ridiculous and I was really confused at why they would have done that. I was going to go ahead and put a hat on her as well, but I decided to just leave her as she was. I tried putting the clothes on Skyler but of course they were outrageously too big so I just wrapped them around him. Instead of having them bury Skyler and Mackenzie separately again, I had them place Skyler in the coffin with Mackenzie because I thought they'd like that. When they went to situate them together Mackenzie's legs were moving and it was just freaky. I knew even then that she wasn't alive but it was weird that she was moving anyways. And that's pretty much all I remember of that dream...

So they're sick, right??? WHY am I having these dreams??? The dreams do have truth to them. Mackenzie did have a circle of skin missing from her right cheek when she was born. It was like that when they handed her to me though. It's not like we did that to her or anything. I did not dress Mackenzie while I had her in my arms. She was wrapped in the hospital blanket but I never dressed her because in my shock it did not occur to me to do so. I also did not see her in her coffin because my parents told me they thought I should remember her the way she looked in the hospital and that she looked really different and not like herself and I agreed (in the shock I was in at the time). I'm so sick of having these dreams. I live my daily life knowing she's dead and that she's buried...why do I need to face it in my dreams, too??? Especially in the morbid way of seeing her body in that condition...in and out of a coffin??? Can I not have the luxury of dreaming of her alive or at the very least not dream of her at all? When I'm awake I can control my thoughts and not let my mind wander to those sorts of things. When I'm asleep my mind is out of control. I don't even know why I'm having these dreams all of the sudden. Nothing has happened to spark this kind of insanity. Am I the only lunatic having these horrible dreams about their precious children?

:::sigh:::

Just a Thought

I was thinking the other day about my friends that are pregnant right now and how I like that I can still give my input and advice to them (only when they ask of course) because I have been pregnant and I already know what they are going through. I went all the way. I went a week past all the way. I know "pregnant." After that though, once they have their babies...I'm out. I'm out of the loop. I have no idea what it's like to have a baby to raise. I don't know what age babies do what. I don't know what's "normal" at all the stages in their lives. I'm useless after pregnant.

But then something else hit me. Hard. The thought that...these girls probably don't even want my advice, do they?? Why would they want advice from someone who got it wrong? Someone who did NOT bring a live baby home. Someone who buried her child. Someone who lost the next pregnancy after that even. These girls probably take what I say and do the exact opposite! They probably laugh behind my back at all the things I did or didn't do with Mackenzie because they obviously did not work. She's not here. All of my avoiding lunch meat, tuna, diet soda, artificial sweetners, fetta cheese, baths (I took showers), etc. Well, as careful as I thought I was being she died anyways. I guess if these girls are thinking this about me then I can't blame them. Who would take advice from someone who didn't get the outcome everyone wants? Would you take driving lessons from someone who totaled their last two vehicles? Yeah, me neither.

So that just fucking sucks. I don't know pregnant either. I know what it was like when I was pregnant and I can share my stories but what good are my opinions and facts and advice since they failed me??? I'm useless.

Mackenzie's Shelf + Need Advice

I've been meaning to post a picture (click on it to see it bigger) of the two shelves on our bookcase dedicated to Mackenzie. I'm sure since this picture I have added to the ladybug collection and I know I've added a few things to her shelf as well. My husband calls it Mackenzie's shrine. Sometimes he says it like that might be a bad thing, but to me, it's all I have. Her nursery door is always shut and when there is another baby (God, please let there be another baby) her room will not be her room anymore at all. So I think it's fine for me to dedicate this space in our house to our little girl. Frankly, if she were here the whole house would probably be dedicated to her by way of toys, clothes, bouncer, swing, etc.

Oh and one more thing. I've been struggling with what to do about my most recent angel baby. I don't even know what to call him/her. How do I refer to this baby now? I don't know if it was a boy or girl. I didn't get much time (2 weeks) to even really accept that I was pregnant before it was all taken away from me in the blink of an eye. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm good at being a mommy to a 9lb 7oz stillborn baby girl that I got to know for 41 weeks and hold after she was born, but I just don't know how to also be the mother of a baby lost at only 7 weeks. It wasn't even a miscarriage. This baby's heart was beating all the way into surgery ~ that part I've forced myself not to think about. So I don't know where I fit in having an ectopic pregnancy and I don't know how to refer to this baby or where this baby's place is in this family. I don't mean to sound like there is no place for this baby...there most certainly was/is...I just need some advice here. I don't know how else to say it without sounding anymore insane.

Mackenzie's First Christmas (Pics)

I know it's late, but I wanted to show some of the ornaments that were on Mackenzie's Christmas tree:

Mackenzie's Tree

An ornament I had made thanks to Peyton's mom :)

I got this when we were on vacation in Fredericksburg. It says "Daughter, you're a prayer come true"

Baby's First Christmas - it's a jingle bell

Mackenzie's Baby's 1st Christmas Ornament ~ Hallmark

Ladybug Ornament I ordered off Etsy thanks to a suggestion by Tina :)

Angel Wings from Lea (and Nicholas)

A butterfly from Bree (and Ella)

A baby bootie from Christy (and Leila)

A frog family ornament that I had to get because one of the kid frogs had a ladybug on it :) Bailee & Tyler are my stepchildren, fyi.

The ornament we received at the M.E.N.D. Walk to Remember.

It says "You are loved beyond words, Missed beyond measure, Your life was a blessing, Your memory a treasure." Makes me want to cry everytime I read it.

Received at the M.E.N.D. Christmas Ceremony

The Hallmark series ornament I'm going to start collecting each year for Mackenzie. My mom used to do the same for me & my brother every year and then gave all my ornaments to me when I got married.

This is actually one of *my* Baby's First Christmas ornaments from when I was a baby, but I was just AMAZED at the fact that it had ladybugs on it. I'd never noticed before. I put most of *my* Baby's First ornaments on Mackenzie's tree this year.

*My* Baby's First Christmas ornament that has my first pic with Santa.

The orament my mom gave me with a pic of Mike, Me, and Mackenzie <3

Our family's stockings

Mackenzie's Stocking

The little one next to Mackenzie's was for the baby I was pregnant with at the time :*(

Mackenzie's Christmas present from my parents. It's a ladybug piggy bank :)

If you've read my previous posts you know we announced to my parents that I was pregnant again by giving them a card. Above is the front and inside of the card. Everyone was insanely happy about this grand announcment, but again, if you've read my previous posts you know that I have since lost that baby, too.

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Overall it was a nice but bittersweet Christmas, and a shitty New Year. Here's hoping that 2010 gets its act together and brings us some joy to ease the heartaches.