Almost 2 Years

Next week will be 2 years since I last held Mackenzie. Hard to believe. I can't even fathom what my life would be like now with a toddler going through the terrible twos. I'd like to have that life back. The one where I was innocent and naive. The one where you got pregnant and ended the 9 months with a baby. The one where you were picking out birth announcements instead of planning a funeral. The one where you plan an insanely overboard first birthday party instead of having cake at the cemetery. Granted, I'm having those experiences now with my Rainbow baby but it's always jaded by the fear of not making it to that next milestone. Always afraid if I plan something I will jinx myself. This year feels incredibly different than last year. We are going to keep it low key, but I hope it's not so low key that no one remembers the terrible loss we suffered two years ago...