It's a Miracle

Today was my confirmation appointment at the doctor's office. I was so nervous I can't even describe it. I can tell you that I called in sick to work this morning because I felt like I was incapable of sitting at work for 3 hours waiting for my appointment. I also worried that if something was wrong, I'd have to call and tell them I wouldn't be back in today. So I saved myself the misery and called in sick :)

I told the nurse at my doctor's office that if there even is a baby, I've already convinced myself it's dead. We all know only other loss moms can truly understand us, but at least she didn't judge me. She stayed optimistic and told me she knows it's hard and that it's going to continue to be hard. Finally the doctor came in and she knows my history (she was my doc for the ectopic pregnancy with Skyler) and she said she wanted to just get right to it and do the ultrasound. She said I was making her nervous by having my eyes glued to the screen as she started the scan, but how could I look away? Of course I knew it as soon as I saw it...a baby! A real one that's actually inside my uterus this time!! Then I saw the little flickering heartbeat and I started crying. I couldn't help myself. It was the exact opposite of what I thought I'd be seeing today and it was amazing. My doc said she was about to cry too :) She let me hear the heartbeat and it was 149! <3

Here is my little rainbow...

I am 8 weeks today. My due date is December 13th but I told my doctor that I have no intentions of going to 40 weeks and that 38 would be my limit. She said she is going to have a high risk doctor co-manage my pregnancy with her since Mackenzie's cause of death is unknown. I'm fine with that. In fact, I was going to insist on that myself or else I was just going to strictly see a high risk doctor. She also assured me that she will let the entire staff know that I'm allowed to freak out and call whenever I want and to treat me well. I was intending to seek another doctor who doesn't deliver at the same hospital where I had Mackenzie but if I continue to like how she treats me & this baby I may just suck it up and insist I don't ever have to go back in that same room. My next appointment is June 1st and she scheduled another ultrasound because she knows it will give me peace of mind! For today...I am so excited! Tomorrow I will resume my nervousness and count the days til my next visit.

PS - this baby is truly a miracle baby (not that they all aren't by you know...) because we tried ONE time and I only have ONE tube and somehow this little rainbow is fluttering around in my womb! I really hope I get to bring this one home!!