I will be 20 weeks on Monday and while I feel like it's an accomplishment I also feel the weight of the 17 weeks to come. I am definitely not convinced that this baby girl will be coming home with us. I feel like we are just going through the motions. I feel like I am preparing for her death or something twisted like that. I have been buying her little outfits here and there lately and I bought a few things to start decorating the nursery for her, but every time I buy something I think "will this be something I'll want to save when she dies?" or "should I keep the receipt for this? would I be willing to return this if she dies?" It's crazy and morbid and just so wrong, but I can't help feeling this way. I'm staying positive for the most part though, at least outwardly. It sounds even crazier when I type it out, but I've been looking forward to 20 weeks so that if she dies they will consider her stillborn instead of miscarried. Insane, right? Yeah. I don't want her to die. I want to dress her up and love her and show her off. But like another BLM said the other day...pregnancy does not equal live baby for me. Especially since Mackenzie's death remains a mystery. We don't know what the hell happened to her? Poor baby. We did an autopsy and everything (much to my disgust in retrospect) and still we have NO answers. So no matter how far along I get in this pregnancy, there will never be a point where I can breathe a sigh of relief because we've made it past a certain milestone. Granted, I will be delivering at 37 weeks this time...but losing a baby at 41 weeks due to "unknown causes" is the biggest load of shit. I use my doppler every single day. And if my husband is around I always tell him "well...she's still alive." He doesn't seem surprised, in fact, I think he's getting annoyed that I don't have more faith that she will remain alive. But, he doesn't get it. I mean, yes, he experienced it too...but I just don't think he can grasp what it was like for me to be carrying our baby, our first baby, and have her die inside me. No man will ever understand that fully, and frankly...I'm glad he didn't have to experience that part. I wish no one else ever had to experience that part. Anyways, I'm starting to feel her move more often and that's a double edged sword. On the one hand, I'm glad I'm feeling movement and it can be reassuring at times. On the other hand, when I don't feel as much movement one day as I did the day before I get worried thinking that something's wrong. I also worry when I feel more movement than usual because I'm afraid she might be in distress. God I miss the innocence of being pregnant and not knowing what could go wrong. I'm so glad to know all my blogger friends and my support group friends, but sometimes I feel like I know too much. Not only do I worry about what might have happened with Mackenzie, but now I also worry about the things that happened to your babies, too. I'm actually very afraid of delivering vaginally now for fear of complications during birth. My 20 week appointment is on Monday and I plan to ask my doctor if I can choose to have a c-section. Although I'm sure that has its own complications, too. This is just such a scary thing. I literally cannot fathom bringing Paisley home in 17 weeks. Will my mind ever allow me to go there?
I've been so annoyed with people lately for telling me they just *know* everything's going to be ok this time. Really? That's a load of shit. If you're so "all knowing" why the hell didn't you tell me that Mackenzie was going to die? I guess I'm just being a bitch but it's not at all comforting for people to act like something terrible can't happen again. We all need to be cautiously optimistic. My rose colored glasses were revoked on June 16, 2009. People are so sure that because we've already endured so much that this time it just HAS to work out. That's not true...as we all know. Hell, my 2nd pregnancy ended pretty abruptly and unexpectedly. Who would have guessed that after a full term stillbirth that the next pregnancy would be ectopic? Sure as hell not me.
Well, I know I've been a real depressing drag in this post, but it's whats been on my mind in my absence from blogging. On the flip side, I am enjoying being pregnant and watching my belly grow again. I was so excited to know for sure that this is a girl and to get to name her. Paisley is a name we almost went with for Mackenzie, but decided against it. This time it was really our only choice. I'm glad it's a girl for many reasons, but really grateful that as sisters they can share their middle name. It was decided long ago that this baby's theme would be owls, so I'm constantly on the look out for owl clothes, decor, etc. It really has been such a comfort that we can associate ladybugs with Mackenzie and if Paisley dies (God forbid) I want something similar for her. There I go again...making preparations for her death...I disgust myself.
Please forgive my craziness. Maybe next post will be more positive. To leave you with something more up beat, here is me at 18w5d:
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I love your daughters share a middle name.. My angel and daughter here both share their middle name! Everything you are thinking you are crazy for thinking, You arnt! I thought the same way the 2nd time around..morbid thoughts that would scare even myself sometimes! Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteYou're looking great, hold on mama.
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So normal...all so normal as any of us pregnancy after stillbirth mama's can tell you.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok to be depressing what your living through is damn hard and you need to get it out.
Love your belly pic! :)
ReplyDeletePAL is definitely hard and I keep praying that I'll make it to the end!! We all know there are no guarantees.
beautiful belly girlfriend!
ReplyDeleteI soooooooooo get this post, and you are not alone in how you feel.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing a great job of growing baby girl, you look fabulous in your pic :) xxxxxxxxx
Hang in there honey! And happy 21 weeks!!! Sending you many prayers and hugs xxx
ReplyDeleteI could have written that post. Those feelings are all still fresh in my memory. Suffering a full term loss, you never get to that point where you can just breathe. Not until that baby is safe in your arms. Sometimes I still have a hard time believing that Charlotte is mine to keep. I look at her some days & I still feel like it's a dream. The one thing that was reassuring to me, was how different I felt during my pregnancy with Charlotte. When I was pregnant with Moira, I always felt like there was something wrong. With Charlotte everything felt right. You'll get there. It takes awhile, but you'll get there.
ReplyDeleteYou look so good Ashley! I don't blame you for your "cautious optimism". Going through pregnancy after loss is a journey that unless you are on it, you just can't understand--can't even imagine. I know people want so badly for this pregnancy to go well for you, but knowing what we know, who can blame us for our lack of faith? Don't feel alone. I know I will be the same way. It is so scary. Hugs to you--I love your smile!
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Just letting you know I selected you for The Lovely Blog Award and you can read about it on my blog and pay it forward. Your words have given me much comfort when I needed it and your thoughtfulness in sending things is so wonderful--I'm just terrible at returning it. I follow you and am praying for you through this pregnancy, too. Sending you hugs.
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