Fear

Since Mackenzie died I've been so fearful of death. Right after she died I was afraid that my husband would die, too. Since then I've been afraid that I would die...I'm sort of a hypochondriac now. Most importantly, I'm terrified that Paisley might die. Every little cough, sneeze, weird noise, etc. sends a small wave of panic over me. My husband thinks I'm crazy because I look over at her to check on her so often, even if someone is tending to her. I'm constantly looking for the rise and fall of her belly when she sleeps. It's pretty exhausting. My husband wonders why I can't get anything done around the house...well, it's hard to get things done when you feel the need to make sure your baby is still alive every 10 seconds.

It pisses me off sometimes that I'm like this. Stillbirth stole some of the joy of parenting from me and it pisses me off. My friend is already planning her son's first birthday and it's still 7 months away and I think to myself...I wouldn't dare plan Paisley's birthday that far in advance in case something happens to her. I have some 6-9 month clothing for her and sometimes I imagine how sad I would be to have to look at those clothes later on if she didn't make it to 6-9 months. Oppositely, just writing this down makes me feel like I'm jinxing myself and that saying it "outloud" means it may come true. When in conversation I tell someone "she's dead asleep" I cringe that I even let that come out of my mouth for fear that she ever really is *dead* asleep. It's disgusting to even have these thoughts and they don't consume me, BUT they are still there. I'm sooo paranoid that I won't take her around people. She's pretty much a hermit with me...we don't leave the house unless it's a doctors appointment. I'm scared to death that she will get sick from someone or from being out amongst the public. I'm certain the first time she gets sick I will practically die myself from hysteria & worry. I have to go back to work next week and I'm sure I will spend my days worrying myself sick over whether or not she's ok. Granted, she will be staying with my mom...but things can still happen. I guess my most practical fear is that she will choke to death. She chokes sometimes when she spits up and it stops my heart. I guess I just need to pray for peace and know that she's in God's hands...easier said than done though.

At night when I feed Paisley I think of Mackenzie a lot. I can see her pictures from the couch where I sit. I can't sing certain songs to Paisley without thinking of Mackenzie and in turn, crying. I was out changing her flowers at the cemetery the other day and I thought how completely WRONG it is that I have one baby waiting for me in the car and the other buried beneath my feet. Having Paisley makes Mackenzie more real to me. Not that she wasn't *real* before, but it allows me to see what Mackenzie would/should be doing and it's awful to me that she never got the chance. Paisley almost weighs as much as Mackenzie did when she was born and I'm afraid if they weigh her at the doctor's office and she's exactly 9 lbs 7 oz like Mackenzie I will just break down. I can vividly remember how it felt to hold Mackenzie and I can still feel her weight in the crook of my left arm. I'd prefer to never hold another baby at that weight so I can reserve that just for Mackenzie. Weird thought, I know. The other day I was driving and started thinking back to the day we found out Mackenzie was dead. My husband was the one who called my dad to tell him we'd lost her, and asked him to tell my mom. I could just imagine the pain my dad must have felt and the torture of having to tell my mom. I just cried and cried. Sometimes I'm pretty sure I'm just numb to the pain because when I really stop to think about it all, it's just unbelievable. It's unimaginable that it really happened to me/us and yet it did. It really did. I gave birth to a dead baby. I held her lifeless body. We buried our first born. My husband carried our daughter's casket at her funeral. We visit the cemetery every holiday. Ugh.