I see a lot of moms of Rainbow Babies say they are more sad now than before they had a living child. I feel like a bad mom to Mackenzie and just overall guilty that I don't feel that way. I mean, yes, there are times when I still cry for Mackenzie and a lot of the time it's because through Paisley I see what I missed with Mackenzie. Or sometimes when Paisley sleeps she looks a lot like her big sister and my heart skips a beat. But overall the joy has been restored in my life and I am abundantly grateful to have Paisley. I am on cloud nine with her and love spending every minute I can with her. Maybe I just don't have time to be more sad...because as a new mom I find myself overwhelmed. Everything I do is for Paisley...she consumes all my time (except when I'm at work...although I'm thinking about her all day). I don't know how to explain it. If I really let myself "go there" and remember all the awful things that happened to me & how Mackenzie's life was unspeakably short I get emotional, but for the most part I am much better now. I think I owe most of this joy to God. I really feel like Paisley is a blessing from Him and I feel an overwhelming amount of comfort in the knowledge that Mackenzie is perfect in Heaven and we will all be together as a family one day.
On another note, does anyone deal with anxiety? After Mackenzie died I was scared my husband would die, too and that was the extent of it really. I wasn't scared of dying myself because I wanted to be with Mackenzie (not suicidal, just not scared to die). But now that Paisley is here, not only am I scared she might die but I am insanely afraid that I will. I've been having some medical problems that no one can figure out, but I'm starting to believe a lot of them are anxiety. Every time something happens to me I automatically think the worst and that I'm dying. My husband and I went to Cirque du Soleil yesterday and it was in this giant tent and it was packed. I got really nervous that something terrible would happen (like the tent would catch on fire) and that we wouldn't be able to get out. And then I started thinking "what if someone in here starts shooting people" because they didn't check bags or have metal detectors on the way in like at sporting events. Then at one point in the show the whole place started smelling like flowers and it was really really strong and sudden. I silently started freaking out because I thought "what if someone is trying to poison everyone in here?" Eventually it became clear that it was a part of the show, so obviously I'm just a freak. What is wrong with me? Those thoughts are insane. Granted, crazy things happen all the time, but why does my mind go there? I told my husband I think I have anxiety problems and he thinks I'm silly. Well, anyways, just wanted to get that out!
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There are moments of sadness, but overall, I have such joy watching Bobby and Maya grow up. Of course, there will be the days where they show me what I'm missing or where I feel guilty for having such a lovely time with them. But I believe my children want me to have fun, that they want all of us to be happy. To not be or to be overwhelmed with guilt would do them a dishonor. That's my feeling, anyway.
ReplyDeleteI do not have a rainbow baby yet so I can tell you I how I feel from that perspective but I can tell you that some of the weird thoughts that come into my head are so crazy I literally feel like I am going nuts. When I read posts from other blm's that feel the same way- being overly anxious or insane feeling- it helps me to realize we all have some form or another of the same feelings.
ReplyDeleteDon't know if that'll help but know you are not alone in the crazy feelings dept.
WOW, I am so glad to read the second part of your post... Here I thought I was out in looney land all by my self.. At the bank I am constantly searching for exits... where can I get us out of here if something bad happens... break windows, try to run? And its worse if someone looks shady... Same at the gas station... Where to go, where to hide... Its got to the point where I dont go in, I send my husband.. or use the drive through windows.... I am sure it has a lot to do with anxiety. I am just glad to hear that I am not the only person out there that is like that!!!
ReplyDeleteI do feel sad, but mostly happy. And when I am feeling particularly sad, I feel guilty about Angus, so don't worry, the guilt still creeps in. We can't win. I think a lot of it for me is also the yearning for the mother-daughter thing. My life is just so different than what I thought it would be. Of course I would not trade my son for the world, but there is that void there. I restored my motherhood when he was born and for that I will be forever grateful, but one day, I hope to restore the mother-daughter thing.
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I am the same way, I feel so much joy now that Olivia is here. It's not that I miss Ella any less, and I still grieve for her. But I do feel like my life was renewed when Olivia was born.
ReplyDeletePlease dont feel like a bad mother! you are an amazing mother! You deserve to be happy and who wouldnt be with 2 beautiful daughters? Although i dont have a rainbow i also feel guilty when i am happy.
ReplyDeleteI have mega anxiety and it is horrible, i am sorry you have to go through that but you arent crazy! i am constantly freaking out about all the bad things that could happen. most of it is about something happening to my house while im not there and all of the boys stuff being destroyed. I think it is completely normal for someone that has gone through so much to have anxiety.
xxx
Just want to pipe in that I agree with you all on all accounts. 1) Evangeline has healed me on so many levels, I pretty much never feel sad anymore, except maybe when a friend has their first baby, and it's so wonderful, and I remember how angry I am that my first birth experience was nothing like that, my baby died in labor. However, it's 99% happy, 1% angry, which is a complete flip from were I was 15-16 months ago.
ReplyDeleteAnxiety? I got's it...my most recent blog post is actually about manipulating my anxiety medication to try and find something that helps...Yup, mine was bad enough it's tainted everyday, so I sought medical help. I think it's a very normal post loss thing. Like some form of PTSD.
I'm not really sad since Lainey got here. I have a moment here and there when I'm missing Carleigh but Lainey has brought us so much joy.
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