Good Appointment

Just thought I'd update you guys on how my appointment went this afternoon. Everything went great! I got to see that my little Gummy Bear has graduated into a tiny little person :) His/Her heart rate was great and he/she was squirming all around. I can't wait until I can feel it!! I didn't realize it going in, but I had to have my pap smear today, too. That sucks because that means I'll probably bleed and freak out a little. Oh well, at least for today I know this little person is alive and kicking (literally). I asked her if it was ok to dye my hair and get a pedicure (because I had been too nervous to do so) and she said that was fine. What is your opinion on that?

My next appointment with her is June 30th, but before that I have my sequential screening next Thursday the 10th so I will get to see baby again then. I don't think my doctor scheduled an ultrasound at my 16 week appointment which is a BUMMER b/c I was hoping to find out the gender then. Maybe I can talk her into it :) I found out with Mackenzie at 16-17 weeks so that would be fun to do again. Here are some pics from today's ultrasound:

Big head like his/her daddy ;)

This isn't a great picture, but if you can tell...it's like he/she's sitting in there with his/her knees bent!

Big head & body :)

Here's a 12 week belly shot from when I was trying on clothes at Target :) Keep in mind most of that belly is probably just the fat I've been carrying around since I had Mackenzie.

On a terribly sad note, my doctor told me she had a patient whose baby was stillborn at 38 weeks over the weekend. Just like Mackenzie, there was no explanation. She said she opted for an autopsy, so there could be a result, but for now that poor mom is right where I was almost a year ago and my heart just breaks for her. It gives me goosebumps every time I hear of another tragic loss. I just hate to think what they're about to go through and continue to go through forever and ever. You don't ever get over it and even when you've found your new normal...it still colors your life. I'll definitely be praying for that family.

12 Weeks

I am 12 weeks today and I am going tomorrow at 3:20 PM for my 12 week appointment. My doctor knows how comforting it is for me to see the baby, so she setup an ultrasound for this appointment too! Thanks to my beloved doppler, I'm finally excited about an appointment! I'm still nervous of course, but at least I can finally go into an appointment knowing the baby is alive (or was before I left for work) instead of assumng the worst and that I'm going to see a dead baby on the monitor again. I will say that the one down side to having my doppler right now is that the baby is going through changes in heart rate. Supposedly babies heart rates peak at about 180 at week 9 and then slowly fall into the 120-160 BPM category around week 12. So with that in mind, I kind of freak myself out when the rate is too high or is getting low. Silly I'm sure, but there's always going to be something that freaks me out I guess. I bet it doesn't help that I check it before I leave for work in the morning (before I've eaten or had anything to drink) and then check it again as soon as I get home from work (after I've eaten). In the morning it's been around 162-165 BPM and then in the evenings it's at about 172-175. Maybe it has to do with eating or my heart rate or something. I'll be sure and ask my doctor tomorrow. In fact, now that I'm getting a little more confident that this baby might stick around a while...I've got a long list of questions to ask her.

The following week, on June 10th I'm scheduled for an appointment with the high risk doctor to get a 12 week NT scan. I googled what that is and it made me nervous. As I'm sure you can agree, sometimes knowing too much is a bad thing. I learned what the measurements and all that are *supposed* to look like and now I'll be a nervous wreck trying to see for myself if I think there's something wrong. The scan is supposed to screen for Downs Syndrome, Trisomy 13 & 18, etc. I really hope baby is healthy!!! A good thing about the scan is that there is a chance I could find out the gender! Wouldn't that be so freaking exciting?!!??! I can't wait!

If I do find out the gender...then I will tell my parents. If not, we're still playing it by ear. Something crazy happened this weekend: My parents hosted our family reunion at their house and I had bought some shorts and a shirt to wear from Old Navy. That morning I put the shirt on and *BAM* I'm showing. It was the weirdest thing. I had to change shirts because even my hubby agreed that it was kind of obvious. I'm not even sure how well the shirt I wore instead hid it but no one asked me anything so that's fine by me. I really hadn't been showing prior to Saturday. I think just recently I finally gained like 1.5-2 lbs if that because over the past month or so my stomach would get very upset after I ate so I wasn't gaining weight and for a couple of weeks I was actually losing weight. I'm excited to start showing because I like being pregnant and having the belly but I just don't want everyone at work to notice yet. I don't need all those vultures hounding me.

I'll try to post tomorrow after my appointment. If you don't mind, keep praying for me...we all know how things can look promising and then come crashing down.

Stop the Madness

Maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but I just want to put it out there that I am SICK AND FREAKING TIRED of bleeding every 3 days. WTF is it?!?! I'm still pregnant...heartbeat in the 175-180's...and yet it never fails...every 3 days I bleed enough to scare the shit out of me. Granted, it's not much blood and it doesn't even last very long, but EVERY SINGLE TIME I see blood I think "oh no...he's dead." This usually happens to me at work long before it's time to go home. So I count the minutes until I can get home and check the doppler. So far so good. In my heart, I really think it's just vaginal/cervical bleeding and not anything to do with the baby but it's getting old. I had bleeding with Mackenzie but it stopped after like 7-8 weeks. I'm almost 12 weeks now and it's still hanging around. Is it not possible to have a normal, no complication pregnancy? Haven't I had enough of this scary shit?

Ok thanks for letting me vent. For the record THANK GOD I HAVE THE DOPPLER. I'd have already been back in the doctor's office for an ultrasound to make sure the baby is still alive otherwise. I love using this thing and I use the crap out of it too. I use it before I go to work in the morning and again as soon as I get home. It's so reassuring and allows me (for the most part) to actually "feel" pregnant and not walk around every day assuming that I'm carrying a dead baby.

We still have not told our families yet. I have been debating on just waiting until I start showing or until we find out the sex, but I also have thought of telling them after my 12 week appointment next week. I don't know. I just feel like it will be too much pressure to have everyone know and asking me questions all the time. Plus I'm afraid to get their hopes up in case I lose this little guy. Of course, my hopes are already up so i will be devastated...but I'm hesitant to do that to them again. It was like Christmas morning when I told them I was pregnant with Skyler (actually, it was literally Christmas morning). Everyone was soooo freaking excited and crying and all that good stuff. Too bad I had to tell them that baby wasn't going to make it either. I'm pretty sure they won't be as excited this time. Can I blame them? I'm 0-2. That's sort of why I want to wait until I'm further along, so they can feel more confident...so I can feel more confident. But really, who am I kidding? Making it to 20 weeks is no guarantee. I know all too well that making it to 41 is no guarantee. Ughhhhh decisions decisions. I'll let you guys know what we decide, but until then...remember that it's not public knowledge so don't say anything on Facebook :)

I love gummy bears :)

I'm happy to report that I'm 10 weeks and 2 days pregnant! I know that's not very far along but hell, I didn't even think I'd make it this far (sad, I know) so this is an accomplishment in my book. On Monday evening I had another scare...as usual. I was having some bleeding and of course...I freaked out. I'm a little bit psycho though because when it happens (and it has happened before) I freak out silently. I don't tell my husband. I just freak out and immediately conclude that the baby is dead and go about my business. So Monday night I followed my usual routine and then Tuesday morning I called and talked to the nurse and told her. She didn't seem too concerned about the bleeding since I never have cramping, but she did want me to have peace of mind so they fit me in to the schedule. Every time I go in for an ultrasound I've already convinced myself that the baby is dead so my blood pressure is through the roof. I have yet to go to this doctor and have a normal blood pressure reading. When I get in the room they always want to talk to me about future appointments and future this and that. I don't think they fully grasp that before the ultrasound I think this is crazy talk because it's ridiculous to be talking about the future of a dead baby. Then...thank God...the ultrasound showed that everything was fine with the baby and it's officially a gummy bear!!! I remember just falling IN LOVE with Mackenzie at the "gummy bear" stage. This was no different. I watched this lil guy (as I'm referring to it) wiggle around and move it's tiny little arms & legs. A miracle...really. Perfect heartbeat and perfect growth at this point. I couldn't ask for much more...oh...well...I am praying that this random bleeding stops. It happens to me every once in a while and it freaks me out, as I've already said. It never seems to amount to much and the doctor said there isn't really a way for her to tell what it is. She *thinks* that it's maybe blood vessels rupturing on my cervix because they are so exposed and sensitive. I'm trying to just hold onto that though because that same thing did happen early on with Mackenzie. Although with her, the bleeding stopped for good at like 8 weeks. Anyways, I'll take a healthy baby w/ heart beat when I can get it though. Here he/she is:

Prior to the emergency appointment, I wasn't feeling many pregnancy symptoms anymore so *of course* I thought I had lost the baby. So I ordered an at home fetal doppler and had it overnighted. It actually didn't arrive until the evening after my appointment so I already knew the baby was still in there and ok, but I still wanted to use it anways. I was skeptical about finding the heartbeat at 10 weeks but I was able to find it within the minute. It was/is music to my ears. I could listen to it for hours on end. I'm ashamed to admit this, but when I was pregnant with Mackenzie I remember at one of my routine appointments that the nurse got all excited when she heard Mackenzie's heartbeat on the doppler and asked if I was excited to hear it. I kind of told her that I wasn't too excited and that I'd heard it plenty of times before...nothing new. Well, obviously I would KILL to hear that little heartbeat again...even for one more minute...and I feel like a monster that I ever said that. I will definitely not be taking a heartbeat for granted EVER again. So this doppler is awesome and it's digital so it reads out the heart rate on the screen. Baby #3 (not sure what to nickname it yet) has a current heartrate of 181 which is perfect for a 10 weeker. By 12 weeks it should fall into the 120-160 range. This doppler also has a feature that allows you to record and play back the heartbeat!!! SO NEAT! Also, you can download the sound file to the computer and save it. I just did that before I started this post :) I wanted to put it on here for ya'll to hear but I have no clue how to do that if it's even possible.

Sorry this is getting long...but one more thing. I have told my best friend, my 8 closest girlfriends, and 2 co-workers that I'm pregnant but I still haven't told my parents! I keep saying that I will tell them after my next appointment...but each appointment comes and goes and I still don't tell them. I was going to tell them after my confirmation appointment but I thought it was still too early. I'm 10 weeks now and I could telll them, but I'm not. I thought about telling them after the 12 week appointment, but that's not sounding right either. So my current plan is to wait until they notice I'm pregnant :) haha We don't see each other on a daily or sometimes even weekly basis, so I think it will be fun to wait til it becomes obvious. I guess my "cut off" for waiting on them to notice will be once I find out the gender. I guess I'm afraid to tell my family most of all because I don't want them to get their hopes up in case something happens. I'd rather tell them "ok here's the deal, I was pregnant but I lost the baby" rather than have another repeat horror moment when we had to tell them Mackenzie died. I know that's probably not the right thing to do or the right way to think, but IS there a "right" way for a baby loss mom? I mean, who else goes through their pregnancy and thinks their baby is dead every day? I guess it comes with the very unwanted territory.

In the meantime, please keep me & baby #3 in your thoughts & prayers. I'm really hoping third time's a charm! <3

*** PS - Remembering sweet baby George Patrick Andrew on his first birthday today. You are definitely loved and missed by so many people. I'm sorry I never got the chance to know you, George! I know you are a super special baby boy! I'm glad at least Mackenzie has you as an angel friend <3 ***

I ordered a fetal Doppler today. It should be here Tuesday. I just have to know for myself if I'm still pregnant, rather than wait two more weeks to hear it from my doc. I guess it is prob a bad idea in case I can't find a heartbeat, but I just have to. I feel like I'm having less symptoms so I want reassurance.

It's a Miracle

Today was my confirmation appointment at the doctor's office. I was so nervous I can't even describe it. I can tell you that I called in sick to work this morning because I felt like I was incapable of sitting at work for 3 hours waiting for my appointment. I also worried that if something was wrong, I'd have to call and tell them I wouldn't be back in today. So I saved myself the misery and called in sick :)

I told the nurse at my doctor's office that if there even is a baby, I've already convinced myself it's dead. We all know only other loss moms can truly understand us, but at least she didn't judge me. She stayed optimistic and told me she knows it's hard and that it's going to continue to be hard. Finally the doctor came in and she knows my history (she was my doc for the ectopic pregnancy with Skyler) and she said she wanted to just get right to it and do the ultrasound. She said I was making her nervous by having my eyes glued to the screen as she started the scan, but how could I look away? Of course I knew it as soon as I saw it...a baby! A real one that's actually inside my uterus this time!! Then I saw the little flickering heartbeat and I started crying. I couldn't help myself. It was the exact opposite of what I thought I'd be seeing today and it was amazing. My doc said she was about to cry too :) She let me hear the heartbeat and it was 149! <3

Here is my little rainbow...

I am 8 weeks today. My due date is December 13th but I told my doctor that I have no intentions of going to 40 weeks and that 38 would be my limit. She said she is going to have a high risk doctor co-manage my pregnancy with her since Mackenzie's cause of death is unknown. I'm fine with that. In fact, I was going to insist on that myself or else I was just going to strictly see a high risk doctor. She also assured me that she will let the entire staff know that I'm allowed to freak out and call whenever I want and to treat me well. I was intending to seek another doctor who doesn't deliver at the same hospital where I had Mackenzie but if I continue to like how she treats me & this baby I may just suck it up and insist I don't ever have to go back in that same room. My next appointment is June 1st and she scheduled another ultrasound because she knows it will give me peace of mind! For today...I am so excited! Tomorrow I will resume my nervousness and count the days til my next visit.

PS - this baby is truly a miracle baby (not that they all aren't by you know...) because we tried ONE time and I only have ONE tube and somehow this little rainbow is fluttering around in my womb! I really hope I get to bring this one home!!

We have a heartbeat! :) Still nervous, but excited to get good news for the first time in 11 months. I'm 7 wks 5 days!