Trying Again

Well, it's been almost 3 months since we lost Skyler through my ectopic pregnancy and that's the amount of time we were told to wait before trying again. I intended to take that 3 months and lose some weight, but I really haven't lost much. Oh well. I'd much rather have a living child than be skinny anyways. So, we will start trying in a couple weeks (when I anticipate I will be ovulating) and I'm kind of nervous. My last pregnancy was ectopic and due to those complications I lost one of my fallopian tubes. Now, not only am I scared that we won't be able to get pregnant because I'm down one tube...I'm even more scared of having ANOTHER ectopic pregnancy and losing my only remaining tube. I seem to have terrible luck, and I don't put it past this universe to pull something like that. I do have hope for getting pregnant again and bringing a baby home someday, but of course that hope is heavily clouded with all the negative thoughts. I pray that we can get pregnant within the next two months because that would mean having a baby before the end of this year. When I was pregnant with Skyler I was SO EXCITED because it meant I would have a baby before most of the holidays. I would have dressed him/her up for Halloween, would have had him/her to show off at Thanksgiving, and I'd have a baby to take to the mall to have his/her picture taken with Santa. I only had that excitement for 2 weeks before those dreams were shattered again. At this point, I just want a live baby at home...but it would be nice to have one before Christmas at least. Could I be so lucky? Well, I'm not sure luck is on my side anymore but I will pray. I could use all the good vibes and prayers you can spare, also!

Speaking of holidays...Easter is coming up and I anticipate that will be another hard one. I'm debating on whether or not to go to church. I'm not sure I can handle my friends with their babies all dressed up in their little Easter dresses. It's going to be hard enough to do the standard Easter egg hunt with my husbands kids. I should be helping Mackenzie find her first Easter eggs this year :'(

I'm still not comfortable around babies and pregnant women or people talking about babies & pregnant women. We were at breakfast today and Mike was leading me to a table right behind a couple with a stroller and I told him of course I don't want to sit right behind a baby! So we sat somewhere else, but it really didn't matter because another customer in the restaurant began talking to the couple (loudly, might I add) and he was going on and on about when his daughter was pregnant and as he was saying "yeah and she was having her baby..." and I blurted out sarcastically "and her baby died???? No...probably not." Of course I only said it loud enough for my husband to hear but you can tell I'm still bitter. How fantastic for this guy to be able to gush about his daughters pregnancy with this couple (who turned out to be the grandparents). Freaking fantastic. Well guess what, sir? We don't get to go on and on about Mackenize or Skyler because no one wants to hear about dead babies. People only want to hear about happy endings. In fact, mention a dead baby and the conversation ends quite abruptly and awkwardly. If it makes it any better, I'm not just bitter for me...I'm bitter for my parents, too. They should be those grandparents out to breakfast with their little grandbaby and giving me & Mike a break. I'm sick of being on a break...I want to be up all night with a newborn baby.

PS - check out my previous post for my GIVEAWAY!!!!