Almost 2 Years

Next week will be 2 years since I last held Mackenzie. Hard to believe. I can't even fathom what my life would be like now with a toddler going through the terrible twos. I'd like to have that life back. The one where I was innocent and naive. The one where you got pregnant and ended the 9 months with a baby. The one where you were picking out birth announcements instead of planning a funeral. The one where you plan an insanely overboard first birthday party instead of having cake at the cemetery. Granted, I'm having those experiences now with my Rainbow baby but it's always jaded by the fear of not making it to that next milestone. Always afraid if I plan something I will jinx myself. This year feels incredibly different than last year. We are going to keep it low key, but I hope it's not so low key that no one remembers the terrible loss we suffered two years ago...

Online Silent Auction via Facebook

PLEASE go "like" my Missing Mackenzie Facebook page and take part in the auction we have going on beginning June 16th and running through June 18th.

Here is the link to the Events Page with all of the details.

This auction is for a GREAT cause!!! Also, let me know if you have any items you think you could donate :)

Facebook Silent Auction

So I hate to blog for the first time in forever to ask a favor...but I'm gonna ;)

I'm trying to put together a silent auction to be held on Facebook to raise money for the support group I attend and in honor of Mackenzie's upcoming 2nd birthday.

But, in order to do this I need donations of items to auction off. It could be anything really! If it's store bought it should be new or it could be handmade. Things like jewelry, baby items, figurines, journals, trinkets, picture frames, candles/holders, etc. Needs to be small enough to ship to me and for me to in turn ship to the highest bidder. If you are a business you will be promoted by name and website on the listing.

Let me know if you think you could help!!! And be sure to look out for more posts inviting you to participate in the auction! :)

I was a bidder in a similar auction recently help by another BLM and it was SO FUN!!! I won the cutest froggy hat for my rainbow baby for a great price, too!!!

Photo Contest - Rainbow Baby

If anyone is on Facebook and wouldn't mind voting for my little rainbow baby in a photo contest click here:

Photo Contest :)

You have to "like" the photographer's page before you can vote.

Thanks in advance :)

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On another note, I'm thinking of starting a new blog for P so she doesn't take over her sister's space here. Just haven't done it yet because it's hard enough for me to keep up with this one. I barely get time to sit at the computer anymore. I just don't want to offend anyone who may read here who doesn't feel comfortable reading about a new baby. We'll see what happens.

Bad mom?

I see a lot of moms of Rainbow Babies say they are more sad now than before they had a living child. I feel like a bad mom to Mackenzie and just overall guilty that I don't feel that way. I mean, yes, there are times when I still cry for Mackenzie and a lot of the time it's because through Paisley I see what I missed with Mackenzie. Or sometimes when Paisley sleeps she looks a lot like her big sister and my heart skips a beat. But overall the joy has been restored in my life and I am abundantly grateful to have Paisley. I am on cloud nine with her and love spending every minute I can with her. Maybe I just don't have time to be more sad...because as a new mom I find myself overwhelmed. Everything I do is for Paisley...she consumes all my time (except when I'm at work...although I'm thinking about her all day). I don't know how to explain it. If I really let myself "go there" and remember all the awful things that happened to me & how Mackenzie's life was unspeakably short I get emotional, but for the most part I am much better now. I think I owe most of this joy to God. I really feel like Paisley is a blessing from Him and I feel an overwhelming amount of comfort in the knowledge that Mackenzie is perfect in Heaven and we will all be together as a family one day.

On another note, does anyone deal with anxiety? After Mackenzie died I was scared my husband would die, too and that was the extent of it really. I wasn't scared of dying myself because I wanted to be with Mackenzie (not suicidal, just not scared to die). But now that Paisley is here, not only am I scared she might die but I am insanely afraid that I will. I've been having some medical problems that no one can figure out, but I'm starting to believe a lot of them are anxiety. Every time something happens to me I automatically think the worst and that I'm dying. My husband and I went to Cirque du Soleil yesterday and it was in this giant tent and it was packed. I got really nervous that something terrible would happen (like the tent would catch on fire) and that we wouldn't be able to get out. And then I started thinking "what if someone in here starts shooting people" because they didn't check bags or have metal detectors on the way in like at sporting events. Then at one point in the show the whole place started smelling like flowers and it was really really strong and sudden. I silently started freaking out because I thought "what if someone is trying to poison everyone in here?" Eventually it became clear that it was a part of the show, so obviously I'm just a freak. What is wrong with me? Those thoughts are insane. Granted, crazy things happen all the time, but why does my mind go there? I told my husband I think I have anxiety problems and he thinks I'm silly. Well, anyways, just wanted to get that out!

Fear

Since Mackenzie died I've been so fearful of death. Right after she died I was afraid that my husband would die, too. Since then I've been afraid that I would die...I'm sort of a hypochondriac now. Most importantly, I'm terrified that Paisley might die. Every little cough, sneeze, weird noise, etc. sends a small wave of panic over me. My husband thinks I'm crazy because I look over at her to check on her so often, even if someone is tending to her. I'm constantly looking for the rise and fall of her belly when she sleeps. It's pretty exhausting. My husband wonders why I can't get anything done around the house...well, it's hard to get things done when you feel the need to make sure your baby is still alive every 10 seconds.

It pisses me off sometimes that I'm like this. Stillbirth stole some of the joy of parenting from me and it pisses me off. My friend is already planning her son's first birthday and it's still 7 months away and I think to myself...I wouldn't dare plan Paisley's birthday that far in advance in case something happens to her. I have some 6-9 month clothing for her and sometimes I imagine how sad I would be to have to look at those clothes later on if she didn't make it to 6-9 months. Oppositely, just writing this down makes me feel like I'm jinxing myself and that saying it "outloud" means it may come true. When in conversation I tell someone "she's dead asleep" I cringe that I even let that come out of my mouth for fear that she ever really is *dead* asleep. It's disgusting to even have these thoughts and they don't consume me, BUT they are still there. I'm sooo paranoid that I won't take her around people. She's pretty much a hermit with me...we don't leave the house unless it's a doctors appointment. I'm scared to death that she will get sick from someone or from being out amongst the public. I'm certain the first time she gets sick I will practically die myself from hysteria & worry. I have to go back to work next week and I'm sure I will spend my days worrying myself sick over whether or not she's ok. Granted, she will be staying with my mom...but things can still happen. I guess my most practical fear is that she will choke to death. She chokes sometimes when she spits up and it stops my heart. I guess I just need to pray for peace and know that she's in God's hands...easier said than done though.

At night when I feed Paisley I think of Mackenzie a lot. I can see her pictures from the couch where I sit. I can't sing certain songs to Paisley without thinking of Mackenzie and in turn, crying. I was out changing her flowers at the cemetery the other day and I thought how completely WRONG it is that I have one baby waiting for me in the car and the other buried beneath my feet. Having Paisley makes Mackenzie more real to me. Not that she wasn't *real* before, but it allows me to see what Mackenzie would/should be doing and it's awful to me that she never got the chance. Paisley almost weighs as much as Mackenzie did when she was born and I'm afraid if they weigh her at the doctor's office and she's exactly 9 lbs 7 oz like Mackenzie I will just break down. I can vividly remember how it felt to hold Mackenzie and I can still feel her weight in the crook of my left arm. I'd prefer to never hold another baby at that weight so I can reserve that just for Mackenzie. Weird thought, I know. The other day I was driving and started thinking back to the day we found out Mackenzie was dead. My husband was the one who called my dad to tell him we'd lost her, and asked him to tell my mom. I could just imagine the pain my dad must have felt and the torture of having to tell my mom. I just cried and cried. Sometimes I'm pretty sure I'm just numb to the pain because when I really stop to think about it all, it's just unbelievable. It's unimaginable that it really happened to me/us and yet it did. It really did. I gave birth to a dead baby. I held her lifeless body. We buried our first born. My husband carried our daughter's casket at her funeral. We visit the cemetery every holiday. Ugh.

New BLM :(

Please visit this newly bereaved mom and offer your love & support. She lost her sweet son Harry recently :(

http://anangelneverdies.blogspot.com/