Catching Up

I haven't blogged in a while, but I'm still here. I still read everyone's posts religiously I just haven't found the time to write my own (plus my husband has been hogging the computer). I read the blogs off my iPhone, but to post on there takes forever because it's not the easiest thing to type on. That being said, this post will probably be a lot of random thoughts thrown together.

I've been doing pretty good lately. I was fortunate enough that an old friend of mine put me in touch with a friend of hers who is a baby lost mom, too. We had been e-mailing back and forth for a couple weeks and then on Thursday she and I brought our husbands and met up for dinner. It was kind of like a blind date...haha. We'd never met or anything so we really didn't know who we were looking for when we got to the restaurant. It was awkward at first (naturally), but quickly we all got to talking and it was sooo nice!! It was my first time meeting someone in person who shared this unfortunate experience. It was great, really. There was some sort of relief in being in the presence of a fellow mom (and couple) who is living this same nightmare. I can't describe it. Just know that it was good for me...good for us. The best part overall though, for me, was that Mike got to talk to another baby lost dad. I've had you lovely ladies of blog world since about 2 weeks in, but Mike hasn't had anyone at all except me & my parents. He may read my blog, but he hasn't had any interaction. I was so glad that they were able to talk openly about their experiences...we all know how good it feels to share the feelings that we have (especially the ones that make us think we must be crazy) and have someone affirm them. It lets you know that you're not alone, you're not crazy, and that it's natural to have those feelings. I really wanted that for Mike. I'm not sure exactly how much they talked about because she and I talked amongst ourselves a lot, but in any case I'm glad he had the chance. I really liked them in general, as people...not just as a couple who had loss in common. I hope we can get together again and maybe be real life friends. I don't have a lot of friends as it is...would you believe I can be kind of mean & bitchy? Sometimes I wonder if that's why Mackenzie was taken from me...but I digress. Basically I just don't make friends easily. It takes a lot for me to let someone new in. She actually invited me to her support group and I'm planning to go with her on Thursday. The support group is also putting on a Walk to Remember on October 10th that I'm excited about. I'm also scared because I can just imagine what kind of mess I'll be on that day, but I totally want to go to honor Mackenzie and to let her know that she will never be forgotten.

Some people found this hard to believe but I went to a baby (girl) shower today. Under any other circumstances I would have excused myself, but this is one of my best friends. She was the only friend that came to the hospital when I was having Mackenzie. She sat by my side for a long time after we'd said goodbye to Mackenzie and it wasn't pretty. Not only was I a mess emotionally, but I was a mess physically too. I had a 3rd degree tear, rip, episiotomy, whatever you want to call it and I was in pain. She sat next to me while I tried forever to (and eventually did manage to) pee in a bed pan for God's sake...now that's a true friend. She went with Mike to get me dinner from Luby's that night. She came back to the hospital the next morning and helped us pick ourselves up and walk out of that hospital empty handed. She went by the pharmacy to get my prescriptions and then she came to the house and sat in bed with me & we watched a movie. I wasn't exactly watching seeing as how I can't even remember what movie it was. I'm not even sure if I could have done that for her if the situation was reversed. Not that I wouldn't, but I don't think I would have known what to do or how to be there for someone like me. She was just there and her presence just helped me feel a little tiny bit normal even though for the most part I was feeling like an outcast (among other things). All the while, she was pregnant herself. She must have been scared and uncomfortable, to say the least. We all know how it feels to know more than we ever wanted to about what can go wrong in a pregnancy. She just treated me the same as ever and that was the best gift. So that is my super long explanation of why I attended this baby shower. If she could be there for me through something as horrific as the death, delivery, and goodbye to my first born child, I could surely manage to be present and happy for her in her first pregnancy. I just prayed the whole way there that God would just guard my heart and help me keep it together during the shower. I made a deal with God that if he helped me to get through the baby shower without breaking down, that I would be more than happy to spend the rest of my day miserable and crying if that's what it took. Well, thankfully I got more than I bargained for. I had a good day all the way through. I didn't even cry at the cemetery. The only time I really felt like I might lose it was when she opened a gift and it was the same ladybug receiving blankets I have for Mackenzie. I had to look away. I think she knew because she put it away quickly. But overall it was a nice time. I love when I have days where I can be happy remembering Mackenzie, even though I'm so sad. I was trying to explain to a friend of mine what it feels like to be sad all the time, even when I'm happy. How my grief is always present like a shadow or a grey cloud above my head. I don't have to explain that here though. If you're reading this you probably know first hand. I just don't always want to think of her with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. It's nice to just rejoice sometimes in the simple fact that I was lucky enough to be her mommy, in how beautiful she really was, and that I created her with the love of my life/best friend. Mackenzie gave me the best gift I've ever received, a love like I've never known. Before Mackenzie I didn't think it was possible to love something or someone this much. It's my love for her that keeps my broken heart from shattering irreparably. I can only imagine how that love would have grown had her little life not been cut so tragically short.

On another note, I'm approximately 30 lbs. from my goal weight. I made this goal for myself and I've told myself that I will not ttc again until I have met (or come really close to) that goal. Some people don't understand why I don't just go ahead and get pregnant again now and then lose the weight all at once after that. I just see that as a bigger obstacle in the future. If we are lucky enough to get pregnant again and even luckier to bring that baby home...I highly doubt I'll be spending much time focusing on getting the weight off. Unfortunately right now I have all the time in the world. I just don't want to doom myself to being overweight for the rest of my life. I want to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight (or really close to it...haha) and focus on staying healthy and only gaining the recommended amount of weight next time. I don't ever want to see the numbers on the scale that I did when I was full term with Mackenzie. It was astronomical for me. My husband understands. He knows how I am about my weight. He tells me I have a "complex." He doesn't care what I weigh (or at least that's what he says). He was so awesome during my pregnancy (and still is) and he made me feel sexy and beautiful no matter what the scale said or how repulsive I felt. Believe me, losing this weight has nothing to do with how my husband feels about me...it's about how I feel about me. Ok sorry for the rambling about that. The point is that I have 30 lbs to go and 3.5 months to lose it (because my plan is to start ttc in January). I can't wait to try again and yet I'm terrified. I remember reading a blog a couple months ago where she said that until the fear of another loss outweighs the desire to have a living child at home, that she will keep trying. That's where I'm at right now. I have so much motherly love pent up and I just need to be able to pour that love into another child of mine, of ours. As scared as I may be, I have so much more to lose if I don't try.