Hey there

Just checking in.

I'm doing ok. My best friend in the whole world (since 6th grade) Shannon had her second baby boy the other day! She's practically the only person left in this world (besides baby loss moms) who I can still feel completely happy for with no bearing upon how it relates to my loss. She's the best person I know and has been a better friend than I probably deserve. She and her husband deserve nothing but the best or better! Welcome little Ben :) See you in January!!

Mike and I stopped by the cemetery late one night this week (like 10 PM or later). We sat on her bench (have I shown ya'll her bench?) and I cried my eyes out. I haven't cried like that in a while. I'm sure my hubby is grateful that those days are father apart than they used to be. All I could say as I cried on his shoulder is that I'm sorry and that I feel like such a loser. Look at all these women we know having babies left and right with not even the tiniest complication and the baby I carried DIED. He was married before me and has two kids (8 & 5) and I just feel like maybe he's thinking "great, now I ended up with a woman who can't give me kids..." That's how I feel at least. I feel like a loser, a failure, incompetent, etc. WTF is wrong with me that I couldn't get her here safely??? She was alive and well for 41 weeks...seriously...that's a long ass time. What did I do on that last day that caused her death? I guess I'll never know. Anyways, what a change for me though. I'm a TOTAL scaredy cat about everything in the whole world. It's so funny that I would sit at a cemetery in the dead/dark of night and not be scared or freaked out. A lot of things have changed...

I've been busy trying to start my mini-business (http://theheavenlyladybug.etsy.com/) so that has kept my mind off the holidays a little. Sucks that Mackenzie is not here (understatement) because I LOVE Christmas. I'm sad that I'm going to be sad during my favorite holiday...and for the rest of my stupid life. I've been buying "Baby's First Christmas" stuff anyways because I can. I can do whatever I want...and rightfully so!? :) My sweet friends have shown an interest in the necklaces I've been making. Not sure if it's out of pity, but it's appreciated nonetheless. I'm going to venture out and go try to sell some stuff at a local craft show...maybe this Friday (if I can get off work in time). If not, there's definitely one I've already sent my deposit off for on December 5th. Kind of excited to see what I can do! I've promised to donate a portion of my proceeds in Mackenzie's memory to MEND (my support group). It's my first small step to doing something good in her name. If I could just figure out how to use the freaking sewing machine Mike's grandma gave me I'd like to make items to donate to hospitals. We're both clueless at sewing though so it's pretty much at a stand still.

Here's a picture I just found. It's me last December and this was supposed to be Mackenzie holding the snowball as I was about 2 months pregnant :) It NEVER snows in Texas so we were so pumped this day! It was Mackenzie's first and only snow. Glad I took this pic. Wish I could be that happy girl again. Wish I could wear that jacket or those pants again...sigh ;)