Home Alone...Again

I'm home from the hospital...empty handed again. I got home yesterday at noon and I've just been resting and watching TV. Feels a little bit like deja vu at this point, but instead of scouring the internet for anything or anyone to reach out to...I already know where to go. I just wanted to write down the story of how another little one got away from me.

Saturday morning my husband and I went to the Imaging Center at the hospital for my ultrasound. It was supposed to either confirm that I was just too early pregnant to see the baby on a regular ultrasound or locate the baby in my tubes. I was probably on the ultrasound table  for 45 minutes. The tech was just taking picture after picture. I never really saw anything that looked like it might be a baby. She turned the sound on, and told us she was just listening for blood flow to the ovaries, and she was. She turned on some coloring effects on the screen and I could see a colorful flutter towards the top right of the screen. I wondered if that could be my baby. She placed the cursor over that area and turned the sound on. The rest of you mothers know that once you've heard a baby's heartbeat...there's not mistaking it when you hear it again. This time it wasn't blood flow to the ovaries. It was a heartbeat. I asked the tech "what's that?" and she just said "oh, I'm just taking some pictures." I looked over at my husband...I think we both knew. The nurse asked me to get dressed but not to leave the room because she was going to talk to a radiologist. I told my husband, "you know it's bad news when they won't tell you anything. We've been here before." We had waited about 15 minutes for the doctor to finally come in and confirm that Mackenzie had passed away...what a nightmare. This time, the tech had some compassion and said "I'm not supposed to tell you anything, but I know your situation and well...that was a heartbeat you heard. You have a live ectopic pregnancy, but you can't leave because it's life threatening. You are either being admitted directly into the hospital or going to the emergency room." I cried when she confirmed that I had heard my baby's heartbeat. What a cruel cruel world. My last ultrasound with Mackenzie there was no heartbeat, and with this baby I heard the heartbeat but in less than 5 hours it would be no more. Honestly, for the past 2 weeks of knowing I was pregnant I was expecting to miscarry. I don't know why...I guess the horrible mind games that you play with yourself after you've lost a baby, but I was just waiting on the worst. I honestly never expected an ectopic pregnancy. That's just another thing you think only happens to other people...like stillbirth. Well, I've got quite a statistical nightmare under my belt now. Anyways, the ultrasound tech put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me straight from the Imaging Center over to the hopsital and up to a room. I texted my dad and Mike called my mom. I was dreading seeing my mom because I didn't really want another sob fest like last time...but luckily she was composed. I cried a little when I saw her but not much more after that. The on-call doctor came in to tell me that the baby was in my left fallopian tube and that sometimes they could use methotrexate (chemotherapy) to end the pregnancy but that the baby was too big so I would need surgery. She told me they would try to save my tube and my ovary but there was no guarantee. At this I cried again. Little by little I'm feeling the hope of having a baby at home in my arms slipping away. A nurse came in and tried to put my IV in. Fail. Another nurse. Fail (in fact she blew the vein). The first nurse tried again. Fail. Another nurse came in and refused to try because she said she couldn't see any veins. Now they call the anesthesiologist. Fail. Then I tell him I think he should try a vein up near my elbow that the lady who drew my blood earlier pointed out. He seemed put off that I was telling him how to do his job (as the lady warned he would be if I told him) but he tried it and got it on the first stick. I have 5 holes in my arms where they tried to get my IV in. They stuck me in the same hole 2 times so TOTAL it was 6 attempts to put my IV in. That was HELL. It hurt so bad. And the one lady who refused to try because she didn't see any veins, pissed me off by saying "You are so PALE...is that your natural color???" I wanted to punch this bitch. Yes, that is my natural color, thank you. Get the hell out of here. At first we thought we might like this nurse because her name was Noel (like Mackenzie's middle name is Noelle, spelled differently) but that didn't last long. Anyways, once they got the IV in (I'm sure that anesthesiologist visit is going to cost me) this scary tall black guy came to wheel me into surgery. I was about to cry because I was being wheeled down the hall alone but then in the relector on the ceiling I saw Mike following behind me. I am so glad he followed us :) The guy wheeled me into this waiting area that had like no lights on and there was not a soul in sight. It was freaky. The nurses for surgery came and talked to me and told me I had to take my contacts out. I was freaking out because I'm pretty much blind without my contacts and I told them I didn't want to wake up without being able to see because I was afraid I would think I was blind. I told Mike to have someone go get my glasses while I was in surgery or else he had to sit next to me when I woke up and tell me first thing "you're not blind." LOL I just hate not being able to see. So practically blind without  my contacts they wheeled me back into surgery and I was nervous because there were so many people in there and the machines looked huge & scary (blurry and all). They told me they were giving me oxygen and put a mask on my face...and that's the last thing I remember.

As soon as I woke up a nurse asked if I wanted my glasses and I said yes and she put them on my face. It took a while for me to finally come to but I was so ready to go back to my room and see my family. While I was waking up I listened to the two nurses discussing one of their wedding registrys and the older nurse was explaining to the young engaged nurse what a charger was and how she could get white plates and colorful chargers. Whatever...just get me back to my room. I remember looking at the clock and noticing it was 5 PM already. I thought the surgery was only going to take 30 minutes. That made me think something had gone wrong. When I got back to the room Mike explained that they had to take out my whole left fallopian tube, but that my ovary was fine. That still makes me think I'm going to have hell trying to get pregnant again, but the doctor said it shouldn't affect my fertility. We'll see. She also said she couldn't see any reason why I would have had an ectopic pregnancy. She said my insides looked fabulous. She confirmed that I just have really shitty luck. She told me I should wait 3 months to get pregnant again. I'm kind of scared to even try. What if this happens again? What if I lose my other tube? What if I die next time? But I can't not try. I have to have a baby. Why can't I just have a baby?????

So I'm home for a week resting/recovering. This New Year has been shot to hell already and it's only the first week. I'm going to get back on the couch now because my belly is getting sore from sitting up like this. Thanks for all your comments on my last post. It means a lot to know you ladies care. Weird how much these over the blog friendships can mean...but they really do mean a lot and are very comforting.

One last thought: I wonder if this baby was a boy or a girl? I'm too scared to even know. If I was to find out it was a girl I would be devastated because I'd be sure it was my last chance at a girl. Sometimes it's better to just not know. I'll find out when I get to Heaven and my little babies greet me <3