29 Weeks

I know it's been over a month since I blogged, but our desktop computer is a complete piece of crap and I hardly ever sit down to attempt to use it. I decided to give it a try while my hubby is out getting us Taco Bell :)

This will probably be radom/rambling...

I am doing ok. Paisley is doing good...moving around a lot. We are both getting bigger. Well, I am getting very big...I'll know how big she is in about 2 weeks when I have my next ultrasound. I hope she's getting huge to explain why I'm such a giant. I think I am gaining weight because sometimes I eat just to get her to move. She's kinda stubborn and doesn't just move around because I'm poking her. It seems she needs a stimulant like food or orange juice ;) I'm getting more and more paranoid as the date of my scheduled c-section gets closer. It's like the closer I get the worse my anxiety is. 20% of the time I'm hopeful and pretty sure she's coming home with me. The other 80% of the time I'm planning what to do with her after she's born still, like what to bury her in and what her headstone will look like. Morbid, I know. I can't help it. I pray she does make it here alive and well and that she forgives me one day for assuming the worst. I love her SO MUCH and I don't know what I will do if she doesn't make it. I am so freaking ready to be an earthly mommy. I think I'll be a great mom and I just really really really want to be given that chance.

I'll try to post more later on...maybe this weekend.

Thanks for your continued prayers and positive thoughts! :)

Catching Up

I know it's been FOREVER since I sat down to make a *real* post, but I've finally found the time to sit in front of the computer so here goes...

I will be 20 weeks on Monday and while I feel like it's an accomplishment I also feel the weight of the 17 weeks to come. I am definitely not convinced that this baby girl will be coming home with us. I feel like we are just going through the motions. I feel like I am preparing for her death or something twisted like that. I have been buying her little outfits here and there lately and I bought a few things to start decorating the nursery for her, but every time I buy something I think "will this be something I'll want to save when she dies?" or "should I keep the receipt for this? would I be willing to return this if she dies?" It's crazy and morbid and just so wrong, but I can't help feeling this way. I'm staying positive for the most part though, at least outwardly. It sounds even crazier when I type it out, but I've been looking forward to 20 weeks so that if she dies they will consider her stillborn instead of miscarried. Insane, right? Yeah. I don't want her to die. I want to dress her up and love her and show her off. But like another BLM said the other day...pregnancy does not equal live baby for me. Especially since Mackenzie's death remains a mystery. We don't know what the hell happened to her? Poor baby. We did an autopsy and everything (much to my disgust in retrospect) and still we have NO answers. So no matter how far along I get in this pregnancy, there will never be a point where I can breathe a sigh of relief because we've made it past a certain milestone. Granted, I will be delivering at 37 weeks this time...but losing a baby at 41 weeks due to "unknown causes" is the biggest load of shit. I use my doppler every single day. And if my husband is around I always tell him "well...she's still alive." He doesn't seem surprised, in fact, I think he's getting annoyed that I don't have more faith that she will remain alive. But, he doesn't get it. I mean, yes, he experienced it too...but I just don't think he can grasp what it was like for me to be carrying our baby, our first baby, and have her die inside me. No man will ever understand that fully, and frankly...I'm glad he didn't have to experience that part. I wish no one else ever had to experience that part. Anyways, I'm starting to feel her move more often and that's a double edged sword. On the one hand, I'm glad I'm feeling movement and it can be reassuring at times. On the other hand, when I don't feel as much movement one day as I did the day before I get worried thinking that something's wrong. I also worry when I feel more movement than usual because I'm afraid she might be in distress. God I miss the innocence of being pregnant and not knowing what could go wrong. I'm so glad to know all my blogger friends and my support group friends, but sometimes I feel like I know too much. Not only do I worry about what might have happened with Mackenzie, but now I also worry about the things that happened to your babies, too. I'm actually very afraid of delivering vaginally now for fear of complications during birth. My 20 week appointment is on Monday and I plan to ask my doctor if I can choose to have a c-section. Although I'm sure that has its own complications, too. This is just such a scary thing. I literally cannot fathom bringing Paisley home in 17 weeks. Will my mind ever allow me to go there?

I've been so annoyed with people lately for telling me they just *know* everything's going to be ok this time. Really? That's a load of shit. If you're so "all knowing" why the hell didn't you tell me that Mackenzie was going to die? I guess I'm just being a bitch but it's not at all comforting for people to act like something terrible can't happen again. We all need to be cautiously optimistic. My rose colored glasses were revoked on June 16, 2009. People are so sure that because we've already endured so much that this time it just HAS to work out. That's not true...as we all know. Hell, my 2nd pregnancy ended pretty abruptly and unexpectedly. Who would have guessed that after a full term stillbirth that the next pregnancy would be ectopic? Sure as hell not me.

Well, I know I've been a real depressing drag in this post, but it's whats been on my mind in my absence from blogging. On the flip side, I am enjoying being pregnant and watching my belly grow again. I was so excited to know for sure that this is a girl and to get to name her. Paisley is a name we almost went with for Mackenzie, but decided against it. This time it was really our only choice. I'm glad it's a girl for many reasons, but really grateful that as sisters they can share their middle name. It was decided long ago that this baby's theme would be owls, so I'm constantly on the look out for owl clothes, decor, etc. It really has been such a comfort that we can associate ladybugs with Mackenzie and if Paisley dies (God forbid) I want something similar for her. There I go again...making preparations for her death...I disgust myself.

Please forgive my craziness. Maybe next post will be more positive. To leave you with something more up beat, here is me at 18w5d:

It's officially a GIRL! Paisley Noelle :) I know I said I'd post more, but I'm exhausted. Hopefully tomorrow.

Tomorrow at 1:30 we go for our anatomy scan. Can't wait to find out the sex of this baby so we can start calling it by name :) I'll post tomorrow with a

Mackenzie's First Birthday - Intro

I don't really have the energy to post everything I want about Mackenzie's birthday this past Thursday, but I just wanted to let you guys know that it went perfectly. I took the Wednesday before her birthday, her birthday, and the day after her birthday off work...best decision EVER. It really helped me get things together and relax. I didn't plan much for her actual birthday, but we met my parents & brother for lunch at Chuy's and then later went to the cemetery to release ladybugs, butterflies, and balloons. We had cake on a big blanket and it was just a really nice relaxing time to celebrate her. I cried that morning before getting out of bed, but I pulled it together for the rest of the day. While we were at the cemetery for cake & stuff, 4 of my girlfriends showed up with balloons and flowers so it kind of turned into a party. I LOVE those girls. They have been AMAZING to me through all this and really...you couldn't ask for better friends. The only disappointment for me was not receiving more cards for Mackenzie. No one in my family sent anything...whatever. I even sent out about 50 remembrance cards a week before her birthday thinking that would spur people to maybe get a card or something, but I was wrong. Oh well, I'm not letting it get me down. They are truly the ones missing out on celebrating Mackenzie! She probably won't send any ladybugs their way ;) Oh, one AWESOME thing was that while I wasn't at work my department sent people outside 5 by 5 to release balloons for Mackenzie. They even took pics of each release and sent them to me at the end of the day. They handed out ladybug stickers to all my co-workers, too. That just made my day!!! Here are a few pics to hold you over until I really get into posting in detail:

Me & my hubby with all Mackenzie's party decor :) All the flowers (except the ones in her vase) are from my friends and all but 4 of the balloons are from them, too!

We got two sets of ladybugs to release: one at the cemetery and one at our house in her garden. This is me & my 14 week belly releasing them in her garden. My cat, Pickles, was present as well :)

This last one is me and the 4 of my girlfriends that stopped by for Mackenzie's birthday. You can see the blanket and cake in the background. We released these balloons and we werent paying attention to where we were and most of them popped in the trees. Cool thing was, the only ones that didn't pop were two of the pink ones. I thought it was sweet that the pink ones made it to her <3

I had a party with these friends and a few others on Saturday where I decorated with a ladybug theme! It was so cute...I have pics for later. Anyways, thanks to everyone who was thinking of us and to those of you who sent her a card or gift. It really meant the world to me!!!

I just realized...I've officially made it to the SECOND TRIMESTER!!! I never thought I would get this far again. This has already been a daily struggle mentally. I just have to keep my eye on the prize <3

My NT scan went well but we still have to wait on the bloodwork. The fantastic news is, they're pretty sure it's a GIRL!!! I'm trying not to get my hopes up but God knows how much I want another girl. We'll see if she's still a girl in a few weeks :)