Since someone was worried enough to check on me (thanks Nichole) I figured I should post to let yall know I'm still alive.
Although I haven't posted in a while I still check the blogs I follow daily and comment as often as I can. In fact my husband and I got into an argument about it. I check my blogs mostly from my phone and he got mad because I was reading while we were supposed to be watching a movie. I should have been more considerate, it's just that reading these blogs is kind of like my daily therapy. And it's also a way for me to remember Mackenzie and relate to other moms like me. I'm posting this blog from my phone as it is so forgive any spelling errors :)
Today Mackenzie's headstone was supposed to come in...but of course it didn't. Actually it was supposed to be ready last week and it never came in. They had told me it would be ready Friday and I could see it Monday, but Monday will have ended by the time I post this so obviously someone is bullshitting me. I can't decide if it's the funeral home or the company that makes the headstones that is at fault but either way I'm pissed. God forbid it comes in this Wednesday (as they say it will) and it's wrong again. I can assure you the headstone will be free if that happens. Or else I'll be in jail for whatever outburst I have. Hmmmmm.
On a more positive note, I'm attending a Walk to Remember in my area this Saturday to remember lost babies. I designed shirts for me, my family, and friends to wear. They're cute. I probably could have done better with more time and a better idea of what is possible. It's very personal though and that's what I was going for. I actually drew a ladybug with angel wings and a halo and it's the big image on the back. It definitely looks hand drawn by someone with no artistic talent, but that's who Mackenzie's mom is. Maybe she would have been a better artist like her grandma. I'll post pictures of the proof when the t-shirt shop sends it. Otherwise I'll post pics from the walk.
Today at work the girl who was pregnant with me was talking about how her hair is falling out and when I said mine was too (it is...by the handful) and she was quick to assume it's something that happens after pregnancy. I don't know is that's true or not, but I suggested mine might be from a different cause. She said "well yeah it could be from a little stress too." Yeah. A little stress. It's been almost 4 months and I still can't get to sleep at night before 2 AM. There's still no headstone on my baby's grave. I'm about to attend a ceremony to remember my first born child when I should be deciding what Halloween costume to dress her in. The holidays are coming up and her little tiny stocking from last year is going to stare me in the face and rip my heart out as soon as I unpack the Christmas decorations. Did I mention the "parents-to-be" ornament? Yeah. A little stress.
The other day at work she and another co-worker (who had her baby girl a month or so before us) were discussing what costumes they had chosen for their girls. One of them said they would be dressing their baby up as a ladybug. Of course they are. That day I was exiting the parking lot at work and although I tried to avoid it, I ran over a squirrel. I thought I had missed it until I looked in the rear view mirror and saw it writhing around. I cried all the way home. Then I cried even more when Mike got home. At first I'm sure I looked like a complete idiot for crying over a dead squirrel when I'm the mother of a dead baby, but it was mostly about my baby of course. I just hadn't had a breakdown in front of my hubby in a while. He held me and let me cry like he always does and that's really all I needed.
One more thing. Do you think the girl at work who had her son 2 weeks before I had Mackenzie even thought twice about what it meant to me when she said she wished she looked as good as me after having a baby...and that she was jealous? Gee, if my baby were alive I probably wouldn't have the time or energy to work out. And I wouldn't be taking these diet pills while breast feeding. Jealous??? Shut the hell up.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
My husband has 'yelled' at me a time or two about being on the computer and while I am not on as much as I was, it still is more than before. The computer has been a great help to me and I can't ever just forget that. I have no IRL support group so this is it!
ReplyDeleteSorry Mackenzie's headstone didn't come in. I don't know what it is about these funeral homes or stone companies (whichever it is) but they never seem to get these stones in when they say. Mine didn't and I know a few others that didn't either.
I think it's great you're doing the walk. I would love to see if there is a walk near me. I should get on that.
Seems like your coworkers aren't very sensitive around you. :( And I cannot believe the nerve of that one woman who said she was jealous of you and your body. Is she crazy!? She's messed up in the head.
Wow, your co-workers sound like the best EVER(!) How bloody insensitive?! Is it too much to ask of the idiots surrounding us for a little bit of 'engage brain before mouth'? I am worried about what will come out of my mouth the next time someone makes a braindead comment as it won't be nice. I'm sorry that you had to put up with this crap, and that things have been difficult getting the headstone sorted.
ReplyDeleteI am dreading Halloween and Christmas because we had so many plans, I had already seen the outfit for Lucy I was going to dress her in (pumpkin, original eh?) and we had this amazing family Christmas planned at my parents house. I hope that we all get through these dates peacefully and without too much sadness
xxxxx
I really hope that her headstone comes in when they said it would this time and that it is done right. i know exactly what you are talking about with the hair falling out by the handful, mine has only just stoped and i was told by a doctor that its normal but she had no idea what she was talking about she asked me if i was sad at all about my babies dying. i spoke to a naturopath about it and she said that its usually caused by shock. my hair is just starting to grow back in so my head is covered in a helmet of little fluffy hairs. i hate it. i wish that they done walks near me. im sure it will be good.com your shirts sound great i cant wait to see some pics of them.xxx
ReplyDeleteYou're coworkers are a bunch of idiots....completely ignorant.
ReplyDelete((((HUGS))))
P.S. We have TONS of ladybugs and lady bug larva on our milkweed. Everytime I see them I think of your sweet Mackenzie. I've thought about sending you some ladybug eggs but I don't know if they'd survive in the mail. I can try if you'd like.
is it horrible that i want to smack all of your co-workers? seriously. i think you should make more shirts, these ones for work that say "my baby died." maybe then they'd remember and not say such inconsiderate things. sometimes i really wish i had that tattooed on my forehead so that i wouldn't have to explain anything or hear stupid hurtful comments.
ReplyDeleteand grrrr again about the headstone! i think it should be free already! what is up with everything being so damn difficult? we're the last people you should be screwing with, really! i'm so sorry you are going through this still. it's absolutely ridiculous.
i'm glad to see you posting again, even tho i bother you anyway, lol.
XO
I'm so sorry your coworkers are so insensitive. I don't understand how other mothers can't see that losing a baby would be devastating. My heart aches for you to be amid their happy chatter and them not thinking to say, hey, we are sorry about your daughter. Do you want to tell us about her?
ReplyDeleteI'm still losing copious amounts of hair. And this is way different than the post-partum hair loss let me say. I lost hair after my living children, but not, not, not, not like this.
Can't wait to see your ladybug shirts. And hoping the people you're getting Mackenzie's gravestone get a clue and stop lying. Better to be given a real date you're not thrilled about than false hope. (((Hugs)))
You're in my thoughts, Ashley. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI was wondering if her headsone came in yet. My triplets passed away in September and in October I decorated their grave with Halloween stuff. It made me feel good to buy stuff for MY KIDS even though they aren't here anymore. I continue to do that for all holidays. I'm here if you need me. I have a new cell number though. I'll email it to you. stay strong girl !!
ReplyDeleteNichole
I am SO sorry that your coworkers are so clueless. I am amazed at the thoughtlessness of people and how insensitive they can be. Stay strong. It is hard to constantly "roll" with the punches, but that's all that we can do. I hope that the people you work with get a clue. You would think that as mothers they would be more sensitive.
ReplyDelete