So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?
Mackenzie was stillborn coming up on 5 months ago. It feels like an eternity and yet it feels like it's flown by. That's very strange to think about. I'm feeling relatively good, actually. I definitely have my breakdowns, but for the most part I try to remember that she's with me always now. I try to see the good in her short life and count my blessings. I guess for me it helps to know that I will be reunited with her in Heaven one day, although it often feels like that will take an eternity in itself to get here. Mostly when I'm sad, I'm sad for ME not her. Because I'm a Christian and believe in Heaven, it's definitely comforting for the most part that Mackenzie is in the best place she could be. If she could choose, she would stay there and I don't blame her. I'm sad for me and for what I'm missing and for what could have been. My birthday just passed and I did well until the end of the night at home with my hubby when I broke down in tears thinking of how different this birthday should have been...or at least it's not what I imagined on my birthday last year when I was newly pregnant with her. So much about my birthday (and life in general) would be completely different if she were here. It's sad to me that we did "the usual" for my birthday because Mackenzie's not here to "ruin" our plans. I don't mean "ruin" in a bad way...FYI. So, yes, I've found some peace but only by the grace of God. I'm not sure why He's being merciful and gracious to me when I've still not clung to Him like I should. Maybe He's giving me time. I hope in the future that I can continue to feel joy in knowing that Mackenzie is with me in my heart and with God and with other babies gone too soon. I also hope in the future I will have found a way to reach out to others in this circumstance. I want Mackenzie's life to have meaning through me. I'm not sure what it is, but I think that this experience has purpose and that there is something I am meant to do as a result of her death. I know it's early still, but I hope I find my way in this sooner than later.
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I agree with what you have wrote, especially the part about being sad for me and not her. When I feel sad it's b/c I'm missing who she'd be today with me.
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard to go through each day, especially the special ones like birthdays, and not imagine how different life would be with our babies here.
ReplyDeleteIt's a nightmare, really, isn't it? Mackenzie's life already has meaning for others in the world because you have reached out to other grief-stricken mothers. I'm sorry we "met" online this way but it's been a comfort to have others to turn to and hear from and read about who are on this same horrible path. xo
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