35 weeks 3 days - 11 days to go

Isn't that insane??? Only 11 days til my c-section date! Although it SOUNDS like it's right around the corner, I am struggling BIG TIME with my anxiety and literally every day feels like an eternity. I wake up at night in a panic thinking she's died and I wait sometimes an hour or more to feel what I deem to be an acceptable amount of movement before I allow myself to go back to sleep...if I can. Most days I'm still convinced that she's not going to make it...as morbid as that may sound. I am trying to have faith and I pray daily for her safe arrival but I just can't help thinking that something is lurking around the corner just waiting to steal my joy again. Not knowing what caused Mackenzie's stillbirth has proven to be a huge factor in this pregnancy because since I don't know what it is...I can't really watch out for it. Although I'm happy to be healthy with seemingly no indication that anything like what happened to Mackenzie will reoccur, I still can't get past the fear of that unknown. There is an occasional moment where I allow myself to really consider what it will be like if she's born alive. To hear her cry. To see her eyes open. God how I hope and pray I get to live that miracle. I've been really paranoid this entire pregnancy about planning too far in advance. I didn't want to schedule maternity pictures or the newborn class at the hospital or anything like that too far in advance for fear that I would jinx myself. So I waited until the last minute for both, but they are done and over with now. The next thing I allowed myself to schedule is newborn pics for a week after she's born. I'm so nervous about that. I had to talk myself out of asking the photographer if she would refund the deposit if my baby died...I decided not to start off on that note. I've been too nervous to wash her baby clothes or bedding or setup the bassinette or put the car seat anywhere near the car. I haven't packed the hospital bag although at this point obviously I will need one either way. I was doing really well until we hit the 2 week mark and since then I've just been gripped with fear. I was so fearful on Monday that I had a minor breakdown at my high risk doctor's appointment after my ultrasound. I asked her if she would just take her out NOW. I didn't feel like I could wait 2 more weeks. Well, not so much that I couldn't wait, but I just fear my body will fail us both and she won't make it 2 more weeks in my womb. To my surprise, my doctor suggested we do an amnio to see if her lungs were mature and if they were she would have my regular doctor move up my c-section date. So I consented to the amnio, had it done in the next 5 minutes (piece of cake actually...relatively painless) and waited 24 hours for the results. Unfortunately, her lungs were not mature. Far from it actually. According to the doctor, less than 40% is considered immature and hers were at 16%. She said she really expected a higher number for a 35 weeker. Just my luck. So for the past two days I've gotten steroid injections to help her lungs along so that she will be ready for her big debut on the 22nd. God how I hope her lungs are ready on the 22nd because after all this time I would just hate to have her go to the NICU when all I want is her in my arms. Admittedly, I would much rather have a live baby with a little NICU time than the alternative, but of course no one wants their baby to go to the NICU. My husband and I actually got into a little fight over the fact that I did the amnio to try to get her out sooner. He felt like I did it because I'm impatient and just tired of being pregnant. Honestly, even if it was because I was tired of being pregnant...I don't really think that's too much to ask. I've been pregnant 3 times in the last 2 years with only a few months break in between. I will have been pregnant 41 weeks, 8 weeks, and 37 weeks by the time it's all said and done just to have one live baby (Lord willing). BUT that's not at all why I want her out ASAP. I'm scared to death that my body will fail her...I want her out because I feel like she will be safer on the outside. I feel like every day we have to get through is just another chance for her to slip away. It really had nothing to do with how I feel...I don't mind being pregnant at all. I don't feel too uncomfortable or large (although I am large). I love feeling her move around in there and being pregnant is definitely a blessing and a gorgeous experience, but I just want the prize after all this time. I ended up in hysterics as we fought on the phone about all this...bawling and screaming that I'm tired of waking up each morning in a panic thinking she's dead. I've done a great job of keeping my fear and anxiety to myself up to this point, so he was caught off guard to hear me say that and to hear me fall apart. He apologized and realized where I was coming from with all of it and I understood his concern too about taking her out too soon. Needless to say, we don't have to worry about that anyways because she's not ready...so 11 more days it is. If you're the praying kind, please pray for my sanity over the next 11 days, for a safe delivery, and for a live, screaming, baby at the end of it all.

Here are some of our maternity pics:

 A family photo <3

 Her nursery theme is owls :)