Special Request + Pics

I've contemplated doing this before, but I thought people might think I was weird so I didn't. But maybe some people won't think it's weird & might appreciate the gesture, so here goes:

I want to be able to send a card or something special to baby loss moms (particularly around the time they lost their baby/babies). I've been working on being crafty lately so maybe I'll make something for you...who knows. I don't have anything in particular in mind, but I would like to be able to remember your baby/babies with you. If you are willing, post a comment with or e-mail me (ashley.frederickson@yahoo.com) the following info:

• Your baby's name(s)
• The date they passed away (if different than their birthday, include their birthday as well)
• Your name & address

If nothing else, I at least hope to be able to send you a card. I know it would make me feel better for someone (anyone really) to remember Mackenzie at anytime...especially on her birthday/angelversary.

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As I said above, I've been working on being crafty :) A friend called it "channeling my inner Martha Stewart." Whatever you want to call it, it's just been something to keep me busy and to make me feel good. I've painted pumpkins, made magnets, painted a ladybug ceramic, and put together an arrangement for Mackenzie's vase on her headstone. Here are some pics:

Magnets - of course I made these with ladybugs :)

A small ceramic I painted

(I sprayed it with a glaze to make it shiny)

The back of the ladybug ceramic

I made this arrangement all by myself :)

The arrangement & fall decor at Mackenzie's grave

Mackenzie's lil' pumpkin

I'm no artist, but I tried...

Oh and I dyed my hair back dark. I did it for a couple reasons. First of all, the highlights were grown out and I didn't want to redo it in case it caused my hair to break off. My hair is falling out bad enough and I can't afford to lose anymore. Secondly, I want it all one color before we start ttc again and that's only about 2 months away so I figured now was a good time. Thank God I dyed it when I did...my hair dresser pointed out that I've got gray hair now. What the hell?? I used to never believe that stress makes you go gray, but I know I didn't have gray hair before Mackenzie died. Now I'm a believer...but I'm not too happy about it :(

Mackenzie's Headstone

It's finally in. I love it and I'm so glad we finally got that accomplished. Like I've said before, not having the headstone down was making me feel like even more of a failure. It's definitely bittersweet to see it there though. We love it and are so glad she has a permanent fixture to show which precious baby is buried there, but we hate it because thats our first baby there. How can I be 24 years old and already have my very own daughter buried? My God. When I think of how much I wanted a little girl and actually got what I wished for, I cannot believe this is how that dream ended. Even if God blesses me with another daughter someday, that little girl will not be Mackenzie. Thankfully, I can find comfort in the knowledge that I will see her again one day and that God had a purpose for her little life, no matter how short.

Jeremiah 1:5

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart."

It's super shiny so you can see every reflection in it right now. It's hard to see all the detail in a picture.

The quote says "Ours for a moment, His for eternity"

Here's a close up picture to see more detail. The ladybugs on the border are the same ladybugs from the ribbons passed out at her funeral.

For the record, I made Mike smile in the picture. I'm only saying that in case you think it's weird that we are smiling next to our daughter's headstone. He asked me if he should smile and I said yes. I figured, why not? We are happy that the headstone came in and that it turned out beatifully...why not smile about it?

Seeing this picture aggravates me a little because when I see myself in the mirror I am not this big. How can I have lost 50 lbs and still look like that? Grrr. Especially my arms. I need to work on those monsters. And for those of you that would say I look good or any other compliment to offset my complaint about myself, here's a picture of what I looked like just over a year ago:

Just posting these two pictures in the same space makes me want to punch myself in the throat. Where did the skinny, tan, long dark haired me go? Damn.

But I digress.

The real reason for this post was to show the headstone and announce that it's finished. Enjoy!

Walk to Remember 2009

Mackenzie's Grandpa, Grandma, Mommy, Daddy, Uncle, and Nana

Mackenzie's Mommy & Daddy

Mackenzie's Ornament

Hanging Mackenzie's Ornament

Releasing our balloons for Mackenzie

Watching all the balloons float away

Me crying as I think about what those balloons represented...it broke my heart that there were so many

We miss her the most

Our Family

(My dad, mom, brother - me & Mike - Mike's mom)

Mackenzie's family & friends

(Lyndsey, Marissa, Lacey the friend whose baby shower I went to, Tiffany, Mike's mom, my dad, my mom, me, my bro, Mike, Nadia, Will, Jaymie, Falen, Vernon, Naomi, and Christian Falen & Vernon's son)

In case you were wondering

Mackenzie's headstone did NOT come in today as promised. Go figure. I tried to call the funeral home at 4:30 PM and the receptionist said our lady (the person assigned to deal with us...whatever she's called) had already left for the day. Really? Without even calling to tell me one way or the other? How professional. I looked through my paperwork from the funeral and stuff and found the business card of the funeral home's general manager. I started typing up a really long complaint, but was interrupted when my parents came to visit. I plan to finish that up at work tomorrow and send it first thing in the morning. I'm wondering if it didn't come in or if it came in and was wrong again and she was just too afraid to call and tell me. If I have to, I'll take my lunch break and drive over to the funeral home and make a scene. I never thought I'd be considering getting crazy inside a funeral home, but then again I never thought I'd bury my first born child either. If I don't post for a while...maybe I got arrested...haha.

(This next rant is for my benefit...I just have to vent...don't feel obligated to read it...it may not even make sense unless you are me...besides it's going to be really long)

Oh, and the shirts I had made for the walk...they were ready to be picked up today. When I looked at them I noticed that on the back where I had asked for them to write "Mackenzie's Mommy" (and Daddy, Grandpa, Uncle, etc) the fonts were two different sizes. "Mackenzie's" was 2 inches and "Mommy" was like 1.5 inches. "Mackenzie's" is one line on top, and "Mommy" is another line right under neath that. It wasn't a huge deal, but obviously it was enough that I noticed so I asked the guy what happened. After all, I did pay an extra $4 a shirt for them to put these names on the back. He told me they were trying to fit the names above the picture of the ladybug in the center. I told him that's fine, I understand that, but if one line had to be made smaller to fit...why not make both lines smaller rather than one small and one large? Instead of acknowledging the oversight, he starts arguing with me and saying that he made it exactly how I asked for it. Really? I asked for him to make two lines of print two different sizes? I don't think so. I pointed out to him that the couple of days before when my husband and I were in there he specifically told us the letters on the back HAD to be 2 inches because that was standard and they didn't offer any other sizes (or fonts). So how did I end up with non-standard lettering? He keeps arguing that what he showed me on the computer was exactly how he did it. How was I supposed to know he had them input as different font sizes by looking at the proof on his laptop screen? And in any case, the letters were not screen printed, they were done by hand...so the size was not generated from the computer. I guess he thought I was stupid. I told him that they weren't horrible or anything, but I just don't understand why it came out that way. I wasn't even getting rude with him...I was stating a fact and simply hoping he would acknowledge the error or oversight or whatever you want to call it. Instead, he starts in on me saying he spent a lot more time and effort on my order than he normally would and that my order was small and he normally wouldn't spend so much time and I was making so many changes to the order that he couldn't keep up and that it was confusing and on and on. So I started to get pissed off because this place is a hole in the wall with no air-conditioning, he took my order on a piece of scrap paper he had laying around. If it was confusing...maybe he should have kept his records in a little more professional manner. I really don't think he spent a whole lot of time on my order and in any case he acted like I was a bother every time I was in there...like he was annoyed with me. I let it slide because I was paying good money for this and however I wanted the shirts to come out was how they needed to come out. As for all the changes he said I made, the first time I came in there he just told me to write down what I wanted it to say and they would just come up with something and send me a proof. He said if I didn't like it, all I had to do was tell them what to change. He also told me their website showed a list of fonts to choose from and that I should go check it out to see what I wanted. So after I saw the proof, I stopped by and  asked him to change the fonts and the font colors. It's not even like it was a lot of print...all it says is "In Loving Memory...Mackenzie Noelle Frederickson...June 17, 2009." And the proof was on the computer so we all know how simple it is to change fonts/colors on a computer. At this point I realized this guy was just being a stubborn ass and didn't want to admit he might have goofed up. So I told him that I didn't think I'd made many changes and the changes I did make were a quick fix. I told him that I didn't think he'd spent any excess time on my order but that if he had felt like he needed to charge me extra for his so called extra efforts that he should have done so instead of acting like I was a charity case. I told him money was no issue, that I walked in there with the intention of paying whatever it may cost as long as I got what I wanted. Then he told me that he had felt sorry for me given the circumstances and that's why he took my order and that he wasn't doing it to make money off of me. The hell he wasn't!! He was charging me about $25 a shirt PLUS $4 extra if I wanted names on the back. I told him that I didn't come in there looking for a handout...he told me the price and I said ok. I told him that we have friends that own a screen printing and embroidery shop and that they were willing to do it for free but that I didn't want any charity so I brought my business here. Then he grabs the box of shirts like he's going to take them back and not let me have them and tells me that I should just go get it done free then. I told him I'd be happy to except it's Wednesday and we need these for an event on Saturday so that's not possible anymore. I told him to just give me the fucking shirts and I'd pay for them and that I would never do business there again and neither would the rest of the people I knew in the area. Then he tells me that he can fix them, but they won't be ready until next week. Next week you idiot!? The event is this Saturday. Stop being retarded. So then he just keeps saying "well what do you want me to do?" I told him that obviously there is nothing he can do to fix it, but that maybe he should just not charge me the extra $4 per shirt for the lettering. So he asks me if I want him to take the lettering off the shirts...and I'm like, rip the letters off the back? and he says yes and of course I say no because it will look tacky and obvious that the letters were ripped off so he says "if you don't want me to take the letters off then why don't you want to pay for them?" Seriously??? I don't want to pay for them because they're not right. Duh! So I tell him just forget it...let me just pay for them and leave because I'm about to lose it. And then he tells me that I should be happy that he did me a favor and got the shirts ready early since he quoted me Friday. I told him that I didn't ask for them to be done early and that Friday was just fine and that he needs to shut up with that shit about doing me all these favors...I AM PAYING YOU...it's not a favor...it's your job...the service I am PAYING for. Stupid!! Then he goes on to say that I should be happy that he's charging me less per shirt than he originally quoted me. I'm seriously about to explode now because he's so full of shit. Their minimum order is 6 but the larger your order is, the smaller the price per shirt. When I first went in there and asked how much it would be for 6 shirts he said about $28 per shirt, but that if I wanted more, like12 shirts, it would be about $18 per shirt. My original order was 6 but then more people wanted shirts so my order increased to 13. I'm furious that he's acting like he's doing this as a special for me and I told him that he's insane because that's what he quoted me originally and he tells me that I'm wrong and that he never said that. So I tell him to just get behind the counter and let me pay for this because I am done arguing with him and that I'm ready to leave. He goes in the back for a minute and comes back saying he will re-do the shirts with the names on the back and that they will be ready on Friday. By this time, I told him no...no way in hell...because he acted like he didn't want to give me the shirts at all once I told him someone else could have done it for less so I'm not about to leave without the shirts and then have them not be ready by Saturday. I couldn't trust him at this point...he's obviously a liar and has zero customer service skills. I told him to forget about it and to just let me pay and that it wasn't this big of a deal in the first place but that I'm not about to stand around and let somebody treat me like I'm an idiot and worst of all like I needed a handout. He didn't even know the situation...as far as he knows...a baby died on June 17, 2009. I'm assuming he figured out that it was my baby, but beyond that he has no clue. I just wanted to scream in his face "I delivered a 9.5 lb dead baby not even 4 months ago...don't fuck with me!!" So finally I just paid for the shirts and left. Once I post pics of the shirts you'll all probably think this was all over nothing, but honestly it was the fact of the matter. If he would have just said "I'm sorry...I'm not sure why that happened" I would have just said whatever and let it be. But I'm not about to let some arrogant man argue with me when I'm clearly right and try to manipulate the situation until I feel like I don't deserve what I paid for. Hell no!

I'm still around...

Since someone was worried enough to check on me (thanks Nichole) I figured I should post to let yall know I'm still alive.

Although I haven't posted in a while I still check the blogs I follow daily and comment as often as I can. In fact my husband and I got into an argument about it. I check my blogs mostly from my phone and he got mad because I was reading while we were supposed to be watching a movie. I should have been more considerate, it's just that reading these blogs is kind of like my daily therapy. And it's also a way for me to remember Mackenzie and relate to other moms like me. I'm posting this blog from my phone as it is so forgive any spelling errors :)

Today Mackenzie's headstone was supposed to come in...but of course it didn't. Actually it was supposed to be ready last week and it never came in. They had told me it would be ready Friday and I could see it Monday, but Monday will have ended by the time I post this so obviously someone is bullshitting me. I can't decide if it's the funeral home or the company that makes the headstones that is at fault but either way I'm pissed. God forbid it comes in this Wednesday (as they say it will) and it's wrong again. I can assure you the headstone will be free if that happens. Or else I'll be in jail for whatever outburst I have. Hmmmmm.

On a more positive note, I'm attending a Walk to Remember in my area this Saturday to remember lost babies. I designed shirts for me, my family, and friends to wear. They're cute. I probably could have done better with more time and a better idea of what is possible. It's very personal though and that's what I was going for. I actually drew a ladybug with angel wings and a halo and it's the big image on the back. It definitely looks hand drawn by someone with no artistic talent, but that's who Mackenzie's mom is. Maybe she would have been a better artist like her grandma. I'll post pictures of the proof when the t-shirt shop sends it. Otherwise I'll post pics from the walk.

Today at work the girl who was pregnant with me was talking about how her hair is falling out and when I said mine was too (it is...by the handful) and she was quick to assume it's something that happens after pregnancy. I don't know is that's true or not, but I suggested mine might be from a different cause. She said "well yeah it could be from a little stress too." Yeah. A little stress. It's been almost 4 months and I still can't get to sleep at night before 2 AM. There's still no headstone on my baby's grave. I'm about to attend a ceremony to remember my first born child when I should be deciding what Halloween costume to dress her in. The holidays are coming up and her little tiny stocking from last year is going to stare me in the face and rip my heart out as soon as I unpack the Christmas decorations. Did I mention the "parents-to-be" ornament? Yeah. A little stress.

The other day at work she and another co-worker (who had her baby girl a month or so before us) were discussing what costumes they had chosen for their girls. One of them said they would be dressing their baby up as a ladybug. Of course they are. That day I was exiting the parking lot at work and although I tried to avoid it, I ran over a squirrel. I thought I had missed it until I looked in the rear view mirror and saw it writhing around. I cried all the way home. Then I cried even more when Mike got home. At first I'm sure I looked like a complete idiot for crying over a dead squirrel when I'm the mother of a dead baby, but it was mostly about my baby of course. I just hadn't had a breakdown in front of my hubby in a while. He held me and let me cry like he always does and that's really all I needed.

One more thing. Do you think the girl at work who had her son 2 weeks before I had Mackenzie even thought twice about what it meant to me when she said she wished she looked as good as me after having a baby...and that she was jealous? Gee, if my baby were alive I probably wouldn't have the time or energy to work out. And I wouldn't be taking these diet pills while breast feeding. Jealous??? Shut the hell up.

Blog Question: Is there a way to restrict my blog to where only people I allow to see it can see it WITHOUT restricting the people who are already my followers?? People IRL are starting to find my blog and I'm not ready for that (Valerie & Shannon...Ya'll are ok!). I know I can restrict to only invited readers but I don't want to kick off my current followers. Any suggestions??

This evening has been terrible!! Mackenzie's headstone came in but it's all wrong and now we have to wait all over again for them to fix it. I'm freaking devastated. When I saw it I just cried. I know they are going to fix it, but it's just that we've already been waiting for it for so long. Thursday will be 3 months since we said goodbye to our beautiful baby girl and I'm tired of her grave being incomplete. This is one of the last ways we can "parent" her and it's making me feel like I'm letting her down. I just want it to look nice for her. I can't stand looking at only grass where a headstone should be. But mostly I guess the worst part is that there has to be a headstone at all.

Plus after that I made the mistake of telling a sales person at the mall that I had a baby recently and of course she asked how old my baby was. It was the first time I have been asked that question since she died. I got the words out..."well actually she was stillborn..." but after that I was just shaking and couldn't put together a coherent sentence for a while.

I can't believe this is my life. How did I end up here? Why do I have to live without my child? Why now, at 24 years old, so I have to live the rest of my life tainted by this loss? This will forever color my life, and not bright and cheery ones either. Green with envy comes to mind. What did I do to deserve this? Better yet, what did Mackenzie do? That one I can answer: NOTHING. She didn't do anything to deserve this because she never even got the chance to.