Tomorrow will be my first day back to work since losing Mackenzie. Tomorrow will be exactly 6 weeks since I delivered her. Tomorrow I also have my check-up appointment at 3 PM. Tomorrow should be interesting.
I'm trying to pretend I'm not freaked out about going back to work, but I've been sick to my stomach for the past couple hours. I'm looking forward to getting back into a routine, and yet I'm sad about getting back into the same routine. As mentioned in a previous post, I hate the fact that my life has reverted back to how it was before I got pregnant with Mackenzie. I was so looking forward to a much different life. One that revolved around my precious baby girl. Ugh! This is just not fair.
I hope I don't have a breakdown tomorrow and start crying at work. To say I wear my heart on my sleeve now is a complete understatement. Just yesterday my husband was trying to be playful & joke around with me and when I didn't respond because I wasn't in the mood he said, "You're no fun." He said it jokingly with no ill intent, but as soon as he said it I burst into tears. It's true. I'm no fun. I feel bad for having fun sometimes, but mostly it's just that I'm sad. I'm always sad. My sadness is right on the surface. It's a constant battle to suppress it.
Wish me luck tomorrow...
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Lots of good wishes coming your way. Don't be too hard on yourself, if you feel like crying tomorrow, then think of place where you can be alone and shed a few tears. It's so hard to go back to the pre-baby life, we had such different plans and now they have all changed. I hope your day goes well, I will be thinking of you.
ReplyDeletexx,
Tina
I hope tomorrow goes as smoothly as possible for you. I wish I could take away your new, overwhelming pain. I still cry everyday...but I think with time you just get used to it. I guess time just makes it more tolerable. Depressing.
ReplyDeleteGentle hugs tomorrow...please update on how it went when you get a chance. I will be checking in.
P.S. I am not any fun either :)
Go easy on yourself tomorrow. I have no idea how hard it will be, as 11 months from my loss and I'm still not back at work. I couldn't do it,and lucky I got income protection insurance payments so I could stay home. Cry if you need to, holding it in will make it worse.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
Good luck tomorrow, don't be too hard on yourself, it will be hard and cry if you need. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeletei'm no fun either. i went to a show at a bar with my cousin for the first time since i'd been pregnant, and even with all the loud music, lights, beer, and dancing people, i was STILL thinking about Leila. i can't escape it. so my cousin ended up taking me home early and going back to the show with another friend! yup, i'm a party pooper.
ReplyDeletei hope your first day back at work wasn't too hard.
((hugs))