The way I feel right now is like I'm alive, but I'm not living. I just exist. What for? I prepared my mind and my heart for being a mommy to Mackenzie. Now I'm just a mom with empty arms. And sometimes it's even sadder because I think...am I really a mom if I don't have a child? I don't feel like much of anything these days. Barely even a wife...not a good one anyways. I often find myself screaming in my head "I hate my life!!" I feel bad for admitting that because I have an amazing husband and a wonderful family. I have a decent job, nice house, nice car, and good friends. I just feel like my life is not complete now without Mackenzie. There is a big void without her.
And today I realized that not only does my heart & soul ache for her...my body does too. I can physically feel myself just ache with longing. It's a strange feeling. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's just in my head. There's too much going on in my head.
Yesterday my doctor asked me how I was sleeping. HA! When I finally do fall asleep at some ridiculous hour (usually 3 AM) it's only the Unisom that keeps me asleep. When I don't take it I fall asleep around 3 AM...only to find myself awake again in an hour...force myself back to sleep...and then I'm awake again in an hour...and that cycle repeats until it's time to get up. I have no appetite. When I do remember to eat it comes back to haunt me via a terrible upset stomach. Oddly enough, even though I've hardly eaten in 6 weeks I'm not losing any weight. UGH! I guess I'm just having a bad day.
Oh, and while crying on my way home from work I get an e-mail on my iPhone. I check it. It's a freaking e-mail from Motherhood maternity store with the subject line "What's going on in your baby's brain?" I just lost it.
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Oh, I got those emails. I was signed up for the pregnancy updates and a day or two after she was born (as she was late, like little Mackenzie), I go the "so your baby is one week old now!!" I just about died all over again, and promptly unsubscribed from that mailing list. I wonder would they be about to send one - "so, your baby is about to turn one year old!"
ReplyDeleteYou are a Mum. Took me a long time to realise that. But you are. And what you are doing is much harder than all the regular smug mums out there.
Take care.
xo
I have felt all of these emotions you are describing. The physical pain of not having our children here with us is so hard to bear and there are times when I think I hate my life. But when I sit back and think, I know that I just hate what has happened in my life 3 months ago. I know that when I don't get enough sleep, my day is always worse, but it is so hard because when I lay down, all I think of is my girls. And you definitely are a mommy to your precious Mackenzie.
ReplyDeletexx,
Tina
It is physical - I felt that way for a long time. And the flyers in the mail saying "your baby is X months old!" nearly killed me.
ReplyDeleteYou are a mother. Sorry you're hurting. Sending much love.
yes! you ARE a mother! i had a really hard time with that question too. it still bothers me sometimes. i'm part of the 'mother club' but don't really fit in, you know?
ReplyDeleteas for all those emails, i signed up for so many, it was torture trying to go through my email after Leila died, and after i cancelled them all i still kept getting them from one company. i still get them from time to time in the snail mail, but thankfully my sister filters most of them out. i wish i had a person to filter out all the other hurtful, painful things in my life.
Oh, my heart breaks for you. I believe very firmly that you conceived a child, you carried her and dreamed about her all those months, and you gave birth to her. You are a mother, unequivocally. I just wish your baby girl was in your arms and not in heaven. I'm so very, very sorry. (((hugs)))
ReplyDelete