"If fervent memory could raise the dead, she would be our Eurydice, she would rise like lady Lazarus from her stubborn death to solace us. But all of our laments could not add a single second to her life, not one additional beat of the heart, nor a breath. The only thing my need could do was bring me to her."
That quote is from the book "The Time Traveler's Wife." I had seen the previews for the movie coming out in August, so I bought the book and read it first. I was reading last night and came across that passage. That really hit home. It couldn't be more true. If Mackenzie could come back to me based on how passionately I longed for her...she'd already be in my arms. Yet all my grief and despair won't bring her back to life. Although, it could be the death of me...and then I'd be with her. I'm not saying that in a suicidal way. I'm admitting to myself that the next time I will get to see my baby girl is in Heaven when it's my time to go. In the meantime, I need to figure out how to make her short life meaningful.
On a slightly different note, I think the universe is playing a really cruel joke on me. I feel like no matter what I do or where I go there's a bitter reminder of my loss.
For one thing, I read the book mentioned above because I like love stories. Too bad the couple suffers about 7 miscarriages along the way. I thought "What the hell? You've got to be kidding me!" How is it that I managed to pick a book about such a sore subject??? No, Mackenzie wasn't miscarried...she was stillborn...but you get the idea.
And actually, a little over a week ago I went with my husband and his kids (my step kids) to a pool party for a couple of their little friends. This guy walks in with his little girl toddling along next to him and the thought rushes over me, "That's what Mackenzie would have looked at that age." Well, I'll never know what she would have looked like, but in my imagination it was like that little girl. I start to get weepy at the thought, so I just focus on something else going on at the party. Then it's like I just got slammed in the heart with a baseball bat when someone says "Mackenzie! Mackenzie! Come over this way Mackenzie!" Yeah, that's right people...that little girl that just made me think of Mackenzie is in fact also named Mackenzie. WTF!?!? I immediately break down and start crying. And they couldn't have said her name any more if they tried. I thought I was going to lose it. My husband noticed and asked if I wanted to leave. I decided to stay, but the tears just flowed behind my sunglasses. Luckily, I don't think anyone but my husband knew.
Anyways, the point is that it seems like I can't escape it. I'm trying to get my mind off my misery by getting lost in a book and it finds me there. I'll admit that I was asking for trouble by going to a kids birthday party, but give me a break...an 18 month old girl named Mackenzie?!?
And very soon I'll be back at work where about 5 women are pregnant (at least three of them with girls) and three have/will be returning from maternity leave (2 of them after having baby girls). In fact, in my office of 5 people (including me) one is pregnant with a girl and the other had her baby girl 2 weeks before Mackenzie was due.
What lesson am I supposed to be learning here? Or is this just cruel and unusual punishment?
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I am so sorry. It is so hard when there are constant reminders of our loss. I see double strollers and lose it. There were 3 of us at work who were pregnant. One has already had her baby...the other has the exact same due date as me...it sucks!
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Tina
This is why I never went back to my job. About six girls I worked with, and I was close to them all, all fell preg after me. They all had their alive, healthy babies in the months after I did. I never wanted to go back, even if they were friends.
ReplyDeleteasking for it? don't be so harsh on yourself. we all do it. i went to the zoo! talk about torture. i think we do alot of things because we feel obligated to be social. i get all bent out of shape when i hear the name McKenzie too, it's Leila's middle name. and i def know what you mean about the cruel jokes. i've been trying to watch movies to "get away" and i swear that almost every movie has a baby or loss of one it in. you'd think people would warn me about that when they tell me how great the movie is and recommend it. hello??? *sigh* what can you do?
ReplyDeleteright after i posted here i hoped over to Inanna Journey and she's got a post about movies and books that mention dead babies, etc. might want to check it out if you already haven't, i wish i had sooner!
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