Mackenzie's Shelf + Need Advice

I've been meaning to post a picture (click on it to see it bigger) of the two shelves on our bookcase dedicated to Mackenzie. I'm sure since this picture I have added to the ladybug collection and I know I've added a few things to her shelf as well. My husband calls it Mackenzie's shrine. Sometimes he says it like that might be a bad thing, but to me, it's all I have. Her nursery door is always shut and when there is another baby (God, please let there be another baby) her room will not be her room anymore at all. So I think it's fine for me to dedicate this space in our house to our little girl. Frankly, if she were here the whole house would probably be dedicated to her by way of toys, clothes, bouncer, swing, etc.

Oh and one more thing. I've been struggling with what to do about my most recent angel baby. I don't even know what to call him/her. How do I refer to this baby now? I don't know if it was a boy or girl. I didn't get much time (2 weeks) to even really accept that I was pregnant before it was all taken away from me in the blink of an eye. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm good at being a mommy to a 9lb 7oz stillborn baby girl that I got to know for 41 weeks and hold after she was born, but I just don't know how to also be the mother of a baby lost at only 7 weeks. It wasn't even a miscarriage. This baby's heart was beating all the way into surgery ~ that part I've forced myself not to think about. So I don't know where I fit in having an ectopic pregnancy and I don't know how to refer to this baby or where this baby's place is in this family. I don't mean to sound like there is no place for this baby...there most certainly was/is...I just need some advice here. I don't know how else to say it without sounding anymore insane.

Mackenzie's First Christmas (Pics)

I know it's late, but I wanted to show some of the ornaments that were on Mackenzie's Christmas tree:

Mackenzie's Tree

An ornament I had made thanks to Peyton's mom :)

I got this when we were on vacation in Fredericksburg. It says "Daughter, you're a prayer come true"

Baby's First Christmas - it's a jingle bell

Mackenzie's Baby's 1st Christmas Ornament ~ Hallmark

Ladybug Ornament I ordered off Etsy thanks to a suggestion by Tina :)

Angel Wings from Lea (and Nicholas)

A butterfly from Bree (and Ella)

A baby bootie from Christy (and Leila)

A frog family ornament that I had to get because one of the kid frogs had a ladybug on it :) Bailee & Tyler are my stepchildren, fyi.

The ornament we received at the M.E.N.D. Walk to Remember.

It says "You are loved beyond words, Missed beyond measure, Your life was a blessing, Your memory a treasure." Makes me want to cry everytime I read it.

Received at the M.E.N.D. Christmas Ceremony

The Hallmark series ornament I'm going to start collecting each year for Mackenzie. My mom used to do the same for me & my brother every year and then gave all my ornaments to me when I got married.

This is actually one of *my* Baby's First Christmas ornaments from when I was a baby, but I was just AMAZED at the fact that it had ladybugs on it. I'd never noticed before. I put most of *my* Baby's First ornaments on Mackenzie's tree this year.

*My* Baby's First Christmas ornament that has my first pic with Santa.

The orament my mom gave me with a pic of Mike, Me, and Mackenzie <3

Our family's stockings

Mackenzie's Stocking

The little one next to Mackenzie's was for the baby I was pregnant with at the time :*(

Mackenzie's Christmas present from my parents. It's a ladybug piggy bank :)

If you've read my previous posts you know we announced to my parents that I was pregnant again by giving them a card. Above is the front and inside of the card. Everyone was insanely happy about this grand announcment, but again, if you've read my previous posts you know that I have since lost that baby, too.

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Overall it was a nice but bittersweet Christmas, and a shitty New Year. Here's hoping that 2010 gets its act together and brings us some joy to ease the heartaches.

Home Alone...Again

I'm home from the hospital...empty handed again. I got home yesterday at noon and I've just been resting and watching TV. Feels a little bit like deja vu at this point, but instead of scouring the internet for anything or anyone to reach out to...I already know where to go. I just wanted to write down the story of how another little one got away from me.

Saturday morning my husband and I went to the Imaging Center at the hospital for my ultrasound. It was supposed to either confirm that I was just too early pregnant to see the baby on a regular ultrasound or locate the baby in my tubes. I was probably on the ultrasound table  for 45 minutes. The tech was just taking picture after picture. I never really saw anything that looked like it might be a baby. She turned the sound on, and told us she was just listening for blood flow to the ovaries, and she was. She turned on some coloring effects on the screen and I could see a colorful flutter towards the top right of the screen. I wondered if that could be my baby. She placed the cursor over that area and turned the sound on. The rest of you mothers know that once you've heard a baby's heartbeat...there's not mistaking it when you hear it again. This time it wasn't blood flow to the ovaries. It was a heartbeat. I asked the tech "what's that?" and she just said "oh, I'm just taking some pictures." I looked over at my husband...I think we both knew. The nurse asked me to get dressed but not to leave the room because she was going to talk to a radiologist. I told my husband, "you know it's bad news when they won't tell you anything. We've been here before." We had waited about 15 minutes for the doctor to finally come in and confirm that Mackenzie had passed away...what a nightmare. This time, the tech had some compassion and said "I'm not supposed to tell you anything, but I know your situation and well...that was a heartbeat you heard. You have a live ectopic pregnancy, but you can't leave because it's life threatening. You are either being admitted directly into the hospital or going to the emergency room." I cried when she confirmed that I had heard my baby's heartbeat. What a cruel cruel world. My last ultrasound with Mackenzie there was no heartbeat, and with this baby I heard the heartbeat but in less than 5 hours it would be no more. Honestly, for the past 2 weeks of knowing I was pregnant I was expecting to miscarry. I don't know why...I guess the horrible mind games that you play with yourself after you've lost a baby, but I was just waiting on the worst. I honestly never expected an ectopic pregnancy. That's just another thing you think only happens to other people...like stillbirth. Well, I've got quite a statistical nightmare under my belt now. Anyways, the ultrasound tech put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me straight from the Imaging Center over to the hopsital and up to a room. I texted my dad and Mike called my mom. I was dreading seeing my mom because I didn't really want another sob fest like last time...but luckily she was composed. I cried a little when I saw her but not much more after that. The on-call doctor came in to tell me that the baby was in my left fallopian tube and that sometimes they could use methotrexate (chemotherapy) to end the pregnancy but that the baby was too big so I would need surgery. She told me they would try to save my tube and my ovary but there was no guarantee. At this I cried again. Little by little I'm feeling the hope of having a baby at home in my arms slipping away. A nurse came in and tried to put my IV in. Fail. Another nurse. Fail (in fact she blew the vein). The first nurse tried again. Fail. Another nurse came in and refused to try because she said she couldn't see any veins. Now they call the anesthesiologist. Fail. Then I tell him I think he should try a vein up near my elbow that the lady who drew my blood earlier pointed out. He seemed put off that I was telling him how to do his job (as the lady warned he would be if I told him) but he tried it and got it on the first stick. I have 5 holes in my arms where they tried to get my IV in. They stuck me in the same hole 2 times so TOTAL it was 6 attempts to put my IV in. That was HELL. It hurt so bad. And the one lady who refused to try because she didn't see any veins, pissed me off by saying "You are so PALE...is that your natural color???" I wanted to punch this bitch. Yes, that is my natural color, thank you. Get the hell out of here. At first we thought we might like this nurse because her name was Noel (like Mackenzie's middle name is Noelle, spelled differently) but that didn't last long. Anyways, once they got the IV in (I'm sure that anesthesiologist visit is going to cost me) this scary tall black guy came to wheel me into surgery. I was about to cry because I was being wheeled down the hall alone but then in the relector on the ceiling I saw Mike following behind me. I am so glad he followed us :) The guy wheeled me into this waiting area that had like no lights on and there was not a soul in sight. It was freaky. The nurses for surgery came and talked to me and told me I had to take my contacts out. I was freaking out because I'm pretty much blind without my contacts and I told them I didn't want to wake up without being able to see because I was afraid I would think I was blind. I told Mike to have someone go get my glasses while I was in surgery or else he had to sit next to me when I woke up and tell me first thing "you're not blind." LOL I just hate not being able to see. So practically blind without  my contacts they wheeled me back into surgery and I was nervous because there were so many people in there and the machines looked huge & scary (blurry and all). They told me they were giving me oxygen and put a mask on my face...and that's the last thing I remember.

As soon as I woke up a nurse asked if I wanted my glasses and I said yes and she put them on my face. It took a while for me to finally come to but I was so ready to go back to my room and see my family. While I was waking up I listened to the two nurses discussing one of their wedding registrys and the older nurse was explaining to the young engaged nurse what a charger was and how she could get white plates and colorful chargers. Whatever...just get me back to my room. I remember looking at the clock and noticing it was 5 PM already. I thought the surgery was only going to take 30 minutes. That made me think something had gone wrong. When I got back to the room Mike explained that they had to take out my whole left fallopian tube, but that my ovary was fine. That still makes me think I'm going to have hell trying to get pregnant again, but the doctor said it shouldn't affect my fertility. We'll see. She also said she couldn't see any reason why I would have had an ectopic pregnancy. She said my insides looked fabulous. She confirmed that I just have really shitty luck. She told me I should wait 3 months to get pregnant again. I'm kind of scared to even try. What if this happens again? What if I lose my other tube? What if I die next time? But I can't not try. I have to have a baby. Why can't I just have a baby?????

So I'm home for a week resting/recovering. This New Year has been shot to hell already and it's only the first week. I'm going to get back on the couch now because my belly is getting sore from sitting up like this. Thanks for all your comments on my last post. It means a lot to know you ladies care. Weird how much these over the blog friendships can mean...but they really do mean a lot and are very comforting.

One last thought: I wonder if this baby was a boy or a girl? I'm too scared to even know. If I was to find out it was a girl I would be devastated because I'd be sure it was my last chance at a girl. Sometimes it's better to just not know. I'll find out when I get to Heaven and my little babies greet me <3

It's an ectopic pregnancy. A live one. I heard my baby's heartbeat. But I'm in a hospital bed now getting ready for surgery at 2:30 PM. It's over. And it only just began. What the hell is wrong with me? Another angel baby waiting on me in Heaven.

The Suspense Is Killing Me

For those of you who were watching and waiting for an update, I'm sorry...I just got the news myself. FINALLY at 5:08 PM (after 2 earlier calls to the office) the nurse called me to say that my levels were still rising. It's unbelievable to me that my HCG levels are still rising which apparently means I'm pregnant, and yet they have no clue where the baby is. So they are having me schedule an appointment with the hospitals imaging center to see if they can locate the baby through a more in depth ultrasound. I really don't get it. How can you be pregnant but no one can find the baby??? Bad enough that I had a baby and no one could find a heart beat...but when the baby is missing? That's crazy. So now I have to wait AGAIN and make the appointment in the morning and hopefully they can get me in to have the ultrasound tomorrow because otherwise it's the New Year's holiday coming up. I called my mom to tell her (I'd been avoiding telling her because...well...you know) and she sounded disappointed. That's all I ever do anymore anyways, isn't it? Let my family down? I can't bring their first grandchild into the world safely and now the second chance rainbow baby is lost somewhere in my womb...if it's there at all. My life just gets crazier and more unbelievable by the minute. I'm still bleeding off and on and no one seems to care about that. I mean, I had some bleeding with Mackenzie but it was less than this. I can't believe the rollercoaster ride this has been and I've only known I was pregnant for like 2 weeks. I didn't know this was what I was signing up for when I was trying to get pregnant. It wouldn't have stopped me...that's for sure...but it's definitely taken me by surprise. I'm trying to remain optimistic and don't get me wrong...this is the best news I could have gotten given the three options I had...it's just insane. I am thankful to have been able to get pregnant at all, but it's getting pretty hard to believe that I could actually be pregnant. Despite the bloodwork AND the 10's of pregnancy tests I've taken so far (including one last night) the fact is that pregnancy = baby, and yet mine is invisible.

For those of you asking, they did bloodwork and I should have an idea tomorrow. If the #'s are still rising it's a good sign, if they leveled off it could mean tubal, if they've decreased it's chemical. The ultrasound showed the tiniest black dot but I remember what my first ultrasound with Mackenzie looked like and that's not it :(

There was like nothing on the ultrasound. So either I'm super early pregnant, chemical pregnancy, or tubal pregnancy. Seriously, nothing can be normal for me. If it's tubal, it's the worst. I half expect it to be that with my luck. Aghhhhh!