Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Suspense Is Killing Me

For those of you who were watching and waiting for an update, I'm sorry...I just got the news myself. FINALLY at 5:08 PM (after 2 earlier calls to the office) the nurse called me to say that my levels were still rising. It's unbelievable to me that my HCG levels are still rising which apparently means I'm pregnant, and yet they have no clue where the baby is. So they are having me schedule an appointment with the hospitals imaging center to see if they can locate the baby through a more in depth ultrasound. I really don't get it. How can you be pregnant but no one can find the baby??? Bad enough that I had a baby and no one could find a heart beat...but when the baby is missing? That's crazy. So now I have to wait AGAIN and make the appointment in the morning and hopefully they can get me in to have the ultrasound tomorrow because otherwise it's the New Year's holiday coming up. I called my mom to tell her (I'd been avoiding telling her because...well...you know) and she sounded disappointed. That's all I ever do anymore anyways, isn't it? Let my family down? I can't bring their first grandchild into the world safely and now the second chance rainbow baby is lost somewhere in my womb...if it's there at all. My life just gets crazier and more unbelievable by the minute. I'm still bleeding off and on and no one seems to care about that. I mean, I had some bleeding with Mackenzie but it was less than this. I can't believe the rollercoaster ride this has been and I've only known I was pregnant for like 2 weeks. I didn't know this was what I was signing up for when I was trying to get pregnant. It wouldn't have stopped me...that's for sure...but it's definitely taken me by surprise. I'm trying to remain optimistic and don't get me wrong...this is the best news I could have gotten given the three options I had...it's just insane. I am thankful to have been able to get pregnant at all, but it's getting pretty hard to believe that I could actually be pregnant. Despite the bloodwork AND the 10's of pregnancy tests I've taken so far (including one last night) the fact is that pregnancy = baby, and yet mine is invisible.
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8 comments:

  1. TinaDecember 30, 2009 at 6:44 PM

    Oh Ashley thanks for the update! That is good news that your levels are still rising. Maybe it is just too early on to see the baby. As for your mother and family, you are not disappointing them. They are disappointed for you. I think it must be almost as painful to watch your child go through this loss as it is to endure it ourselves. These babies are their grandbabies and as my mom says, the love you have for your grandchildren is so different than the love you have for your own children...I think she meant to say greater!!! Anyway, please keep us posted, my fingers are still crossed for you and this new little one!! xx

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  2. KelliDecember 30, 2009 at 7:55 PM

    Thanks for the update! I am glad your levels are rising. I am sure hoping it's just too early to see the baby. You poor thing. I hate the roller coaster you're on. Yet as long as you get a healthy little baby next September, I think we should call it good!

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  3. Nan & MikeDecember 30, 2009 at 8:02 PM

    Ashley - so good to hear from you also, thank you for the comment :) I am elated to read that your levels are rising, and I will pray hard that they can find a little growing bean that has just been hiding! I am sorry this is not confirmed for you, I can imagine its torture. Hugs, Nan xo

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  4. BethDecember 30, 2009 at 11:47 PM

    oh my gosh! i am relieved that the levels are rising.. but what a horrible wait for you. it must just be that it's too early to see the little peanut. please keep us updated! ive been thinking of you all day.

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  5. AnonymousDecember 31, 2009 at 8:18 AM

    I am so glad to hear your levels are rising. Prayers coming your way as you wait for a second ultrasound. *hugs*

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  6. KarenDecember 31, 2009 at 11:49 AM

    Happy news that the levels are rising. You know what? I forgot but with my second child I had a scare when they couldn't find the baby at my first scan - had to wait and worry - then went back and had another. Baby was way down low in my uterus, which I guess had shifted a bit. Maybe it will be the same for you. I hope so. Continuing to think of you and pray things are fine. xo

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  7. HollyDecember 31, 2009 at 9:27 PM

    That's great you levels are rising. I hope with the next US they can see your baby better.

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  8. Once A MotherJanuary 1, 2010 at 3:42 PM

    glad to hear your levels are rising, and hope the next ultrasound is easier to see and therefore settles your mind a bit. congrats.

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