Paisley Noelle is here!

I know I posted that our rainbow, Paisley, was born alive & well...but here are a few details :)

She was born 11/22/2010 at 12:25 PM

She weighed in at a tiny 5 lbs 15 oz and was 19 inches long (Mackenzie was 9 lbs 7 oz & 20.5 inches)

My c-section went very smoothly and very quickly to my surprise. I was laying on the table talking to my husband when all of the sudden my doc said "ok she will be out in just a second" and I wasn't even aware they'd started! Sure enough, in just a few seconds she was out and screaming and I was bawling my eyes out. The sound of her crying was the absolute best thing I've ever heard. Not only was she crying, but she was loud and her lungs sounded strong. Although we were worried about her lung maturity, everything was perfect when she was born. She didn't need any special attention at all :)

One thing that was pretty sweet...when I was laying on the operating table while they were sewing me up and Mike was in the other room helping them weigh and bathe Paisley, the song "In the Arms of an Angel" came on over the radio they had on in there and I just knew that Mackenzie was there watching over us. I was lying there just quietly singing along and thinking of the daughter that came first...crying of course. Here are the lyrics in case you've never heard the song:

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance

For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here


You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

We got to go home Wednesday afternoon and everything has been great at home...except my sleeping, lol. My mom has been staying with us and she's been a life saver because if she wasn't here I would not have slept at all. I'm too scared to fall asleep because I'm so scared something will happen to Paisley. I'm scared she'll stop breathing or she'll choke on her spit up or something. It's terrifying. I have the Angelcare Monitor but I'm still pretty paranoid. We'll see how tonight goes :)
 
 

She's here, alive & well. Perfect. Thank you Jesus <3

30 minutes until we leave for the hospital...still scared to death...please pray!

35 weeks 3 days - 11 days to go

Isn't that insane??? Only 11 days til my c-section date! Although it SOUNDS like it's right around the corner, I am struggling BIG TIME with my anxiety and literally every day feels like an eternity. I wake up at night in a panic thinking she's died and I wait sometimes an hour or more to feel what I deem to be an acceptable amount of movement before I allow myself to go back to sleep...if I can. Most days I'm still convinced that she's not going to make it...as morbid as that may sound. I am trying to have faith and I pray daily for her safe arrival but I just can't help thinking that something is lurking around the corner just waiting to steal my joy again. Not knowing what caused Mackenzie's stillbirth has proven to be a huge factor in this pregnancy because since I don't know what it is...I can't really watch out for it. Although I'm happy to be healthy with seemingly no indication that anything like what happened to Mackenzie will reoccur, I still can't get past the fear of that unknown. There is an occasional moment where I allow myself to really consider what it will be like if she's born alive. To hear her cry. To see her eyes open. God how I hope and pray I get to live that miracle. I've been really paranoid this entire pregnancy about planning too far in advance. I didn't want to schedule maternity pictures or the newborn class at the hospital or anything like that too far in advance for fear that I would jinx myself. So I waited until the last minute for both, but they are done and over with now. The next thing I allowed myself to schedule is newborn pics for a week after she's born. I'm so nervous about that. I had to talk myself out of asking the photographer if she would refund the deposit if my baby died...I decided not to start off on that note. I've been too nervous to wash her baby clothes or bedding or setup the bassinette or put the car seat anywhere near the car. I haven't packed the hospital bag although at this point obviously I will need one either way. I was doing really well until we hit the 2 week mark and since then I've just been gripped with fear. I was so fearful on Monday that I had a minor breakdown at my high risk doctor's appointment after my ultrasound. I asked her if she would just take her out NOW. I didn't feel like I could wait 2 more weeks. Well, not so much that I couldn't wait, but I just fear my body will fail us both and she won't make it 2 more weeks in my womb. To my surprise, my doctor suggested we do an amnio to see if her lungs were mature and if they were she would have my regular doctor move up my c-section date. So I consented to the amnio, had it done in the next 5 minutes (piece of cake actually...relatively painless) and waited 24 hours for the results. Unfortunately, her lungs were not mature. Far from it actually. According to the doctor, less than 40% is considered immature and hers were at 16%. She said she really expected a higher number for a 35 weeker. Just my luck. So for the past two days I've gotten steroid injections to help her lungs along so that she will be ready for her big debut on the 22nd. God how I hope her lungs are ready on the 22nd because after all this time I would just hate to have her go to the NICU when all I want is her in my arms. Admittedly, I would much rather have a live baby with a little NICU time than the alternative, but of course no one wants their baby to go to the NICU. My husband and I actually got into a little fight over the fact that I did the amnio to try to get her out sooner. He felt like I did it because I'm impatient and just tired of being pregnant. Honestly, even if it was because I was tired of being pregnant...I don't really think that's too much to ask. I've been pregnant 3 times in the last 2 years with only a few months break in between. I will have been pregnant 41 weeks, 8 weeks, and 37 weeks by the time it's all said and done just to have one live baby (Lord willing). BUT that's not at all why I want her out ASAP. I'm scared to death that my body will fail her...I want her out because I feel like she will be safer on the outside. I feel like every day we have to get through is just another chance for her to slip away. It really had nothing to do with how I feel...I don't mind being pregnant at all. I don't feel too uncomfortable or large (although I am large). I love feeling her move around in there and being pregnant is definitely a blessing and a gorgeous experience, but I just want the prize after all this time. I ended up in hysterics as we fought on the phone about all this...bawling and screaming that I'm tired of waking up each morning in a panic thinking she's dead. I've done a great job of keeping my fear and anxiety to myself up to this point, so he was caught off guard to hear me say that and to hear me fall apart. He apologized and realized where I was coming from with all of it and I understood his concern too about taking her out too soon. Needless to say, we don't have to worry about that anyways because she's not ready...so 11 more days it is. If you're the praying kind, please pray for my sanity over the next 11 days, for a safe delivery, and for a live, screaming, baby at the end of it all.

Here are some of our maternity pics:

 A family photo <3

 Her nursery theme is owls :)



29 Weeks

I know it's been over a month since I blogged, but our desktop computer is a complete piece of crap and I hardly ever sit down to attempt to use it. I decided to give it a try while my hubby is out getting us Taco Bell :)

This will probably be radom/rambling...

I am doing ok. Paisley is doing good...moving around a lot. We are both getting bigger. Well, I am getting very big...I'll know how big she is in about 2 weeks when I have my next ultrasound. I hope she's getting huge to explain why I'm such a giant. I think I am gaining weight because sometimes I eat just to get her to move. She's kinda stubborn and doesn't just move around because I'm poking her. It seems she needs a stimulant like food or orange juice ;) I'm getting more and more paranoid as the date of my scheduled c-section gets closer. It's like the closer I get the worse my anxiety is. 20% of the time I'm hopeful and pretty sure she's coming home with me. The other 80% of the time I'm planning what to do with her after she's born still, like what to bury her in and what her headstone will look like. Morbid, I know. I can't help it. I pray she does make it here alive and well and that she forgives me one day for assuming the worst. I love her SO MUCH and I don't know what I will do if she doesn't make it. I am so freaking ready to be an earthly mommy. I think I'll be a great mom and I just really really really want to be given that chance.

I'll try to post more later on...maybe this weekend.

Thanks for your continued prayers and positive thoughts! :)

Catching Up

I know it's been FOREVER since I sat down to make a *real* post, but I've finally found the time to sit in front of the computer so here goes...

I will be 20 weeks on Monday and while I feel like it's an accomplishment I also feel the weight of the 17 weeks to come. I am definitely not convinced that this baby girl will be coming home with us. I feel like we are just going through the motions. I feel like I am preparing for her death or something twisted like that. I have been buying her little outfits here and there lately and I bought a few things to start decorating the nursery for her, but every time I buy something I think "will this be something I'll want to save when she dies?" or "should I keep the receipt for this? would I be willing to return this if she dies?" It's crazy and morbid and just so wrong, but I can't help feeling this way. I'm staying positive for the most part though, at least outwardly. It sounds even crazier when I type it out, but I've been looking forward to 20 weeks so that if she dies they will consider her stillborn instead of miscarried. Insane, right? Yeah. I don't want her to die. I want to dress her up and love her and show her off. But like another BLM said the other day...pregnancy does not equal live baby for me. Especially since Mackenzie's death remains a mystery. We don't know what the hell happened to her? Poor baby. We did an autopsy and everything (much to my disgust in retrospect) and still we have NO answers. So no matter how far along I get in this pregnancy, there will never be a point where I can breathe a sigh of relief because we've made it past a certain milestone. Granted, I will be delivering at 37 weeks this time...but losing a baby at 41 weeks due to "unknown causes" is the biggest load of shit. I use my doppler every single day. And if my husband is around I always tell him "well...she's still alive." He doesn't seem surprised, in fact, I think he's getting annoyed that I don't have more faith that she will remain alive. But, he doesn't get it. I mean, yes, he experienced it too...but I just don't think he can grasp what it was like for me to be carrying our baby, our first baby, and have her die inside me. No man will ever understand that fully, and frankly...I'm glad he didn't have to experience that part. I wish no one else ever had to experience that part. Anyways, I'm starting to feel her move more often and that's a double edged sword. On the one hand, I'm glad I'm feeling movement and it can be reassuring at times. On the other hand, when I don't feel as much movement one day as I did the day before I get worried thinking that something's wrong. I also worry when I feel more movement than usual because I'm afraid she might be in distress. God I miss the innocence of being pregnant and not knowing what could go wrong. I'm so glad to know all my blogger friends and my support group friends, but sometimes I feel like I know too much. Not only do I worry about what might have happened with Mackenzie, but now I also worry about the things that happened to your babies, too. I'm actually very afraid of delivering vaginally now for fear of complications during birth. My 20 week appointment is on Monday and I plan to ask my doctor if I can choose to have a c-section. Although I'm sure that has its own complications, too. This is just such a scary thing. I literally cannot fathom bringing Paisley home in 17 weeks. Will my mind ever allow me to go there?

I've been so annoyed with people lately for telling me they just *know* everything's going to be ok this time. Really? That's a load of shit. If you're so "all knowing" why the hell didn't you tell me that Mackenzie was going to die? I guess I'm just being a bitch but it's not at all comforting for people to act like something terrible can't happen again. We all need to be cautiously optimistic. My rose colored glasses were revoked on June 16, 2009. People are so sure that because we've already endured so much that this time it just HAS to work out. That's not true...as we all know. Hell, my 2nd pregnancy ended pretty abruptly and unexpectedly. Who would have guessed that after a full term stillbirth that the next pregnancy would be ectopic? Sure as hell not me.

Well, I know I've been a real depressing drag in this post, but it's whats been on my mind in my absence from blogging. On the flip side, I am enjoying being pregnant and watching my belly grow again. I was so excited to know for sure that this is a girl and to get to name her. Paisley is a name we almost went with for Mackenzie, but decided against it. This time it was really our only choice. I'm glad it's a girl for many reasons, but really grateful that as sisters they can share their middle name. It was decided long ago that this baby's theme would be owls, so I'm constantly on the look out for owl clothes, decor, etc. It really has been such a comfort that we can associate ladybugs with Mackenzie and if Paisley dies (God forbid) I want something similar for her. There I go again...making preparations for her death...I disgust myself.

Please forgive my craziness. Maybe next post will be more positive. To leave you with something more up beat, here is me at 18w5d:

It's officially a GIRL! Paisley Noelle :) I know I said I'd post more, but I'm exhausted. Hopefully tomorrow.