Tis the Season for Shutterfly 8i8

Last year I didn't do Christmas cards because I felt like it would portray the illusion that we were happy and "over" Mackenzie's death. This year with a new bundle of joy in our lives I feel like we can celebrate both our babies in a beautiful Christmas card. I love all of the items I've ever seen from Shutterfly, from birth announcements to photo books. I plan to create a family Christmas card from Shutterfly this year with photos of our family. Here are just a few of the cards I'm considering:

Count Your Blessings

Swirling Ornaments

Fa LaLa

I also intend to use Shutterfly to create Paisley's birth announcements just as soon as I get her newborn pictures back from the photographer. I'll follow up with a post of both the Christmas cards we use and the birth announcements :) I'm excited to have a beautiful, healthy baby to show off this holiday season <3 Praise God!!

Quick Post

Paisley will be two weeks tomorrow and my husband goes back to work tomorrow, too. I'm never going to sleep again :-/ She already has her days and nights mixed up which makes for a crazy/zombie mommy, lol. I have been getting up all night with her and my hubby would get up with her in the morning and let me sleep til 11am (or later). Now I will have to do it all by myself...yikes! I had him buy me some energy drinks.

I've been trying to sing to Paisley, but it NEVER FAILS that when I sing Jesus Loves Me to her I break down and cry thinking about Mackenzie. Also, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star has a similar effect. My sweet baby Mackenzie...I will never stop missing her. I included her picture and a ladybug in some of our maternity pictures and just yesterday did the same in Paisley's newborn pictures. I know the photographers think I'm nuts but it's not about them. I couldn't live with myself if I left out our first born daughter. She's so loved and missed.

Here is a bittersweet moment as we took Paisley to the cemetery to "meet" her sister and decorate for Christmas:

Paisley Noelle is here!

I know I posted that our rainbow, Paisley, was born alive & well...but here are a few details :)

She was born 11/22/2010 at 12:25 PM

She weighed in at a tiny 5 lbs 15 oz and was 19 inches long (Mackenzie was 9 lbs 7 oz & 20.5 inches)

My c-section went very smoothly and very quickly to my surprise. I was laying on the table talking to my husband when all of the sudden my doc said "ok she will be out in just a second" and I wasn't even aware they'd started! Sure enough, in just a few seconds she was out and screaming and I was bawling my eyes out. The sound of her crying was the absolute best thing I've ever heard. Not only was she crying, but she was loud and her lungs sounded strong. Although we were worried about her lung maturity, everything was perfect when she was born. She didn't need any special attention at all :)

One thing that was pretty sweet...when I was laying on the operating table while they were sewing me up and Mike was in the other room helping them weigh and bathe Paisley, the song "In the Arms of an Angel" came on over the radio they had on in there and I just knew that Mackenzie was there watching over us. I was lying there just quietly singing along and thinking of the daughter that came first...crying of course. Here are the lyrics in case you've never heard the song:

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance

For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here


You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

We got to go home Wednesday afternoon and everything has been great at home...except my sleeping, lol. My mom has been staying with us and she's been a life saver because if she wasn't here I would not have slept at all. I'm too scared to fall asleep because I'm so scared something will happen to Paisley. I'm scared she'll stop breathing or she'll choke on her spit up or something. It's terrifying. I have the Angelcare Monitor but I'm still pretty paranoid. We'll see how tonight goes :)
 
 

She's here, alive & well. Perfect. Thank you Jesus <3

30 minutes until we leave for the hospital...still scared to death...please pray!

35 weeks 3 days - 11 days to go

Isn't that insane??? Only 11 days til my c-section date! Although it SOUNDS like it's right around the corner, I am struggling BIG TIME with my anxiety and literally every day feels like an eternity. I wake up at night in a panic thinking she's died and I wait sometimes an hour or more to feel what I deem to be an acceptable amount of movement before I allow myself to go back to sleep...if I can. Most days I'm still convinced that she's not going to make it...as morbid as that may sound. I am trying to have faith and I pray daily for her safe arrival but I just can't help thinking that something is lurking around the corner just waiting to steal my joy again. Not knowing what caused Mackenzie's stillbirth has proven to be a huge factor in this pregnancy because since I don't know what it is...I can't really watch out for it. Although I'm happy to be healthy with seemingly no indication that anything like what happened to Mackenzie will reoccur, I still can't get past the fear of that unknown. There is an occasional moment where I allow myself to really consider what it will be like if she's born alive. To hear her cry. To see her eyes open. God how I hope and pray I get to live that miracle. I've been really paranoid this entire pregnancy about planning too far in advance. I didn't want to schedule maternity pictures or the newborn class at the hospital or anything like that too far in advance for fear that I would jinx myself. So I waited until the last minute for both, but they are done and over with now. The next thing I allowed myself to schedule is newborn pics for a week after she's born. I'm so nervous about that. I had to talk myself out of asking the photographer if she would refund the deposit if my baby died...I decided not to start off on that note. I've been too nervous to wash her baby clothes or bedding or setup the bassinette or put the car seat anywhere near the car. I haven't packed the hospital bag although at this point obviously I will need one either way. I was doing really well until we hit the 2 week mark and since then I've just been gripped with fear. I was so fearful on Monday that I had a minor breakdown at my high risk doctor's appointment after my ultrasound. I asked her if she would just take her out NOW. I didn't feel like I could wait 2 more weeks. Well, not so much that I couldn't wait, but I just fear my body will fail us both and she won't make it 2 more weeks in my womb. To my surprise, my doctor suggested we do an amnio to see if her lungs were mature and if they were she would have my regular doctor move up my c-section date. So I consented to the amnio, had it done in the next 5 minutes (piece of cake actually...relatively painless) and waited 24 hours for the results. Unfortunately, her lungs were not mature. Far from it actually. According to the doctor, less than 40% is considered immature and hers were at 16%. She said she really expected a higher number for a 35 weeker. Just my luck. So for the past two days I've gotten steroid injections to help her lungs along so that she will be ready for her big debut on the 22nd. God how I hope her lungs are ready on the 22nd because after all this time I would just hate to have her go to the NICU when all I want is her in my arms. Admittedly, I would much rather have a live baby with a little NICU time than the alternative, but of course no one wants their baby to go to the NICU. My husband and I actually got into a little fight over the fact that I did the amnio to try to get her out sooner. He felt like I did it because I'm impatient and just tired of being pregnant. Honestly, even if it was because I was tired of being pregnant...I don't really think that's too much to ask. I've been pregnant 3 times in the last 2 years with only a few months break in between. I will have been pregnant 41 weeks, 8 weeks, and 37 weeks by the time it's all said and done just to have one live baby (Lord willing). BUT that's not at all why I want her out ASAP. I'm scared to death that my body will fail her...I want her out because I feel like she will be safer on the outside. I feel like every day we have to get through is just another chance for her to slip away. It really had nothing to do with how I feel...I don't mind being pregnant at all. I don't feel too uncomfortable or large (although I am large). I love feeling her move around in there and being pregnant is definitely a blessing and a gorgeous experience, but I just want the prize after all this time. I ended up in hysterics as we fought on the phone about all this...bawling and screaming that I'm tired of waking up each morning in a panic thinking she's dead. I've done a great job of keeping my fear and anxiety to myself up to this point, so he was caught off guard to hear me say that and to hear me fall apart. He apologized and realized where I was coming from with all of it and I understood his concern too about taking her out too soon. Needless to say, we don't have to worry about that anyways because she's not ready...so 11 more days it is. If you're the praying kind, please pray for my sanity over the next 11 days, for a safe delivery, and for a live, screaming, baby at the end of it all.

Here are some of our maternity pics:

 A family photo <3

 Her nursery theme is owls :)



29 Weeks

I know it's been over a month since I blogged, but our desktop computer is a complete piece of crap and I hardly ever sit down to attempt to use it. I decided to give it a try while my hubby is out getting us Taco Bell :)

This will probably be radom/rambling...

I am doing ok. Paisley is doing good...moving around a lot. We are both getting bigger. Well, I am getting very big...I'll know how big she is in about 2 weeks when I have my next ultrasound. I hope she's getting huge to explain why I'm such a giant. I think I am gaining weight because sometimes I eat just to get her to move. She's kinda stubborn and doesn't just move around because I'm poking her. It seems she needs a stimulant like food or orange juice ;) I'm getting more and more paranoid as the date of my scheduled c-section gets closer. It's like the closer I get the worse my anxiety is. 20% of the time I'm hopeful and pretty sure she's coming home with me. The other 80% of the time I'm planning what to do with her after she's born still, like what to bury her in and what her headstone will look like. Morbid, I know. I can't help it. I pray she does make it here alive and well and that she forgives me one day for assuming the worst. I love her SO MUCH and I don't know what I will do if she doesn't make it. I am so freaking ready to be an earthly mommy. I think I'll be a great mom and I just really really really want to be given that chance.

I'll try to post more later on...maybe this weekend.

Thanks for your continued prayers and positive thoughts! :)