I Did It

I went ahead and told my family that I am pregnant (against my better judgement/baby loss messed up brain). They were thrilled. Pretty much everyone was hysterical and in tears. It's been a long Christmas day, but I'll tell you how I did it. I got a cute little card that said "You Know What??" on the front and inside I taped in a picture of Mackenzie on one side & a cute little picture of two owls that said "I'm going to be a big sister." I gave the card to my dad in his Christmas gift because I knew he wouldn't be in hysterics after reading it and could pass it on to my mom. I made the right choice, for sure. When my mom finally read it you couldn't understand what she was saying because she was crying so hard. My dad was crying. My grandma was hysterical (which was a little scary because she had a stroke when Mackenzie died and I didn't want her blood pressure getting outta control). Even my grandpa was crying. I was crying too, but not only with happiness...also with fear. Telling everyone means they are in on it too now. If I lose this baby, they endure another loss as well. I'm scared this time if something happens my grandma might die since the news about Mackenzie caused her to have a life altering stroke. I just don't want to let anyone down, and yet I'm helpless. Honestly, nothing I can do at this point could change the fate of this little life. It's in God's hands and I'm trying to trust him. I'm trying to take care of myself and eat normally (instead of indulging like last time). It's just scary because I haven't even had my first ultrasound. I don't know for sure that this little baby is even alive in there. I pray to God there is life in my womb, but there is always that chance...as we all know too well. I'm not sure I really knew what I was asking for when I wanted to get pregnant. Don't get me wrong...I wouldn't trade it for anything because I so desparately want to start our family...it's just hard. Every single little twinge I feel in my belly makes me think the baby has died. That it's cramps and I'm miscarrying. Although I haven't actually had any cramps whatsoever...just gas, haha. I appreciate all your prayers and warm wishes and hope you continue to pray with me...it's going to be a long road.

My Christmas was much better than I expected. We stopped by the cemetery after visiting Mike's family and before going to see mine. We left Mackenzie a poinsettia we got a church on Christmas Eve. I cried, of course, thinking of how unfair it is that I (and other baby loss moms/dads) have to visit my baby at her grave site instead of video taping her "opening" gifts in her Christmas pajamas. We actually saw another couple in "baby land" at the cemetery when we were there which is the first time I've ever been there at the same time as another family. When they left we walked over to their baby's grave to see the dates out of curiousity. They had left birthday and Christmas balloons. Their poor baby was born on Christmas day and died a week later. My heart broke for that mom. What a double whammy. Christmas and her baby's birthday on the same day. I cried for her and her family. I pray that she made it through the day with some peace.

At my parents house, it was so beautiful because my mom had gotten a present for Mackenzie. She said she just couldn't leave her out. I cried my eyes out of course. She had put a little penguin ornament that said "Jesus Loves Me" on it with the picture of Mike, Me, and Mackenzie in it (the one that is my profile pic). It was just precious. Mackenzie's gift was a cute little ladybug piggy bank :) I am so thrilled that Mackenzie had a present under the tree at someone elses house. I didn't put one under the tree for her, but I did buy her a little mug with her name on it and put it under her little tree (unwrapped) and I put a pinwheel with a ladybug on it (from my friend) in her stocking.

I love you so much Mackenzie. So much of my heart is with you in Heaven...I hope you feel that. I know you know that I think about you all day every day and I hope you know how much you mean to me even now. I do wish your first Christmas could have been in my arms, but what better way to celebrate Jesus than to be in His presence. You are so loved by all baby girl and we haven't forgotten you...we never will. This baby in mommy's tummy will not & cannot replace you, but I hope you'll watch over your little sibling and guide his/her way into our arms. Merry Christmas precious angel!!

Love, Mommy