***My 25 Days of Giveaways post is right under this one...sorry, I should have posted that one last so it would be the first one you see***
Forewarning: this will be a jumbled mess of thoughts...
These past three days I've been really emotional and kind of depressed. First of all, shopping for Christmas presents for my stepchildren over the weekend kind of ate at me. I should have been buying cute little baby clothes, stuffed animals, blankets, toys, etc. Obviously I have no reason to now, so I steered clear of that section (with the exception of shopping for my best friend's boys). Then on Saturday at the family Christmas party (where I should have been showing her off to the family) I got an e-mail from one of my good friends (also from this group, so that makes 2) telling me she's pregnant. I'm happy for her, we've been friends a long time, but I'm still so sad for me. God I feel selfish...but I can't help it. Pretty much ALL of my girlfriends in realy life have babies/children now. I feel like the black sheep of this mommy club. I don't fit in because I don't actually have a baby to parade around, but I did have a baby. I really wanted to get pregnant again before anyone else had the chance. My body obviously hates me though because I missed my period on the 7th and yet I'm not freaking pregnant. What kind of shit is that? I've spotted a couple times in the past 3 days but nothing like a regular period. This is a pretty sick joke that the universe is playing on me. I called the doctor and asked what to do because I don't want to wait around for my body to get back on track. I'm desparate to get pregnant again...more than ever...and I can't have a non-cooperating body. They told me to take another pregnancy test this weekend to make sure I'm not pregnant and then call to make an appointment. I'll take the freaking test (again) but I'm 97% sure I'm not pregnant. What's crappy about this whole ordeal is that I actually thought I might be pregnant. The only other time in my life that my boobs have hurt me was when I was pregnant with Mackenzie. When my boobs started hurting last week I was secretly excited thinking, this is a sure sign. Then I was randomly feeling nauseated and that never happens to me (only when I was pregnant). Also, I'm super emotional. Granted, that's to be expected from us baby loss moms, but I've had it together for the past 3 months or so. I freaking LOST IT last night with my husband. He pissed me off/hurt my feelings so bad because he went walking with my newly pregnant friend when the entire time we've been together (4.5 years) and even when I was pregnant he refused to walk with me. He tells me he can only run, not walk, because he walks all day at work...and since I hate to run...we did neither. When that fact hit me, I called him and cussed him out (classy, I know). He got home and I let him have it again. I was yelling until I just started crying and eventually it turned into uncontrollable sobs. It really wasn't about the walking (that was a small part of it...it still pisses me off a little bit) it was just about Mackenzie and how much I miss her and how shitty this holiday season really feels without her. My support group sends a bi-monthly newsletter and moms submit birthday acknowledgements that are published. I read one from a mom to her twin boys who died 13 years ago. That hit me like a ton of bricks. THIRTEEN years ago....and she still misses them. I'm not saying I don't think she should miss them...for 13 years and forever...it just really hit home that there's a lot of years ahead of me to live without my daughter. If 13 years seems like a long time to me, how am I going to do it if I live to be 100? That would be 75 years without her...thinking of her all the time...crying myself to sleep...seeing other children her age and knowing that would/should/could have been us. That's a LONG time. It's overwhelming...it's daunting...I'm freaking out a little bit. I know it will get better with time, but that piece of my heart is never coming back. I will always miss her. How much does it suck that the rest of my (our) life I will spend without being complete? It puts tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat just thinking about it. And my hysterical crying fit made my husband "worry" about me...which I have mixed emotions about. I'm glad that he's concerned, but I felt like he might have been concerned for himself as well...like he's got to live with this mess of a woman for the rest of his life. I mean, I did say over and over through tears that I hate my life and that I'll be sad forever. I didn't mean I'll be a wreck for the rest of my life. I just meant that a part of me will always be sad...am I the only one who feels that way? How could I not be sad about this forever. Sure it might feel less sad down the road but it will never go away. Anyways, he always tells me that he's here for me and he really is, but I think he might be drifting towards "ok woman, get ahold of yourself." I'm not sure that I can. Right now I feel really out of control of my emotions. It's the first time that I've worried about myself actually. Maybe things will settle down after the holidays, but you can be sure that a similar breakdown will occur on Christmas day, if not before and/or until then. I don't know how to stop it.
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I don't want to get your hopes up too much, but sounds like you should re-do that pregnancy test? I was like that with my first pregnancy, spotting and neg pregnancy test and didn't realize until the next month.
ReplyDeleteI think I will always miss Isabella, there will always be the gap in our family where she should have been. When I realised this I freaked a bit too, felt a bit like a life sentence, you know. I hope you feel ok soon xxxx
i know what you mean. i am not only grieving th loss of my daughter, but the loss of my working body. i am now almost 3 weeks late, but the pregnancy test was negative. ok.. so WHERE is my period then?? great, not only am i not pregnant, but my stupid worthless body isnt working right.
ReplyDeletestruggling right along with you. i pray that you retake the test and it's positive....
I so hope you're pregnant.......
ReplyDeleteAnd I know exactly where you're at right now. The first Christmas without them is the pits. I don't have any experience beyond that, but I only hope it gets slightly better. I'm thinking of you Ashley.
xo
WOW, everything you said, I feel. My body being worthless, being eternally sad, losing it beyond control....I haven't been to Elliot's grave alot because I'm afraid I'll totally lose it, try to dig him up and be hauled to the looney bin!!!
ReplyDeleteI hope you are pregnant again! I ache so much waiting for the doc's okay for us to TTC again. And hating my period every time it comes! There used to be days when I would PRAY for my period, now it's like that was some sort of sick joke and now I'm being punished!
HUGS to you today!
Brandy
I can understand a lot of what you say. I too wanted to be pregnant again before anyone else had a chance to do so, but it seems like every week I found out someone else is expecting and, in those moments, I just feel such despair. Now we found out that my husband and I are both carriers of a recessive gene that when we both pass it down leads to this terrible syndrome that took our daugther from us. So this means ttc naturally is out for us, and it is so hard, knowing that not only have I lost a child, I have lost that too.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I hope that test is positive even if you don't think it will be.
(((hugs)))
Oh hun...I swear I could've written this in 2007. I have stepchildren too and did the shopping for them and it was just about unbearable. I honestly thought about running away for Christmas Day. It was by far the hardest holiday and year. Just know that this is as the worst one. You will get through it and it will suck the whole time until you do. but it will get better. When...I am not sure.
ReplyDeleteI know for us infertiles :) we were always put on birth control for a month or so to get our bodies more prepared. I know that defeats the whole purpose, but maybe it might jump start your body???
Lots of gentle, gentle hugs and hoping 2010 comes real fast for you...
(((Hugs))) Ashley. It's so awful to be post-partum with all these hormones, crazy cycles, and no living baby. I posted this on Beth's blog this week, but I want to share with you that I'm nearly seven months post-partum since losing George. I do natural family planning (NFP) and so I chart my cycles. For what it's worth my cycles are nutso - completely all over the place - and I don't even think I've ovulated yet. I've got to email my last two charts to a teaching woman I know to confirm that, but....my body obviously doesn't know whether it is coming or going. Some women's bodies seem to go right back to regular cycles but some of us don't. I pray that you are pregnant and if not, know that I'm praying so hard that you will be soon. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself. xo
ReplyDeleteI was over a day late (supposedly) and I thought that maybe this could be it, but nope. And it sucks, it just plain sucks. I'm sick of each month being a bust. I just want to be pregnant again. Why is it so hard? Why is it taking so long this time? Is there something wrong with me??
ReplyDeleteMy cousin's son has been gone 10 yrs and my aunt's son 19 yrs and they still miss them very much. They've both told me that while you never stop missing them and it always hurts that it does get better.
Ashley--I know, me too. I hope you are pregnant. I am scared to want it too bad for fear of that making it not happen. But I feel weak that I can't control that. Because I do want it. THAT bad.
ReplyDeleteI will be sad forever, too. And I know what you mean about your husband. Because I have felt like we are diverging a little bit on our "journeys". Like we are not on the exact same path some times. I hate that becausee that is exactly what got me through the first few months, was we greiving so much the same....or at least he acted like he was because he was there at the drop of a hat for me. Now, not so. I have to ask for the hugs when before he would just come up and hug me when I needed it. It doesn't mean I love him any less or we are having troubles as a couple....it's just that we are definitely greiving differently. And it's not that he is not greiving either. It's just not the same as me. I wish it was, but in a way, it's probably good that it's not. We've had a couple arguments though, that I am getting the "get a grip" feeling from him and we end up (later, after we've both cooled) talking it out and getting through it together. At least that's my take on it. He may think totally differently--we are venus and they ARE mars.
Just know you are NOT alone. I'm right here with you. Hoping you are pregnant soon.
hugs,
Christy
Ashley, I am so sorry you are feeling so awful. I can only imagine how overwhelming everything is to you right now. I pray that your rainbow baby is on its way. I wish there were something I could do to make that test positive! I am sorry your hubby is being a stinker. That would piss me off too about the walk. I can only tell you that men just really don't get us women sometimes. But it sounds like he really loves you a lot and maybe just doesn't know how to handle what he's feeling along side what you're going through. I am sure you guys will work it all out. The ornament you chose for your giveaway is adorable. I think you made a great choice. All of you baby loss mommas TRULY are mommas in the truest sense of the word. Hugs and Prayers, Kelli
ReplyDelete