How sad

I just got home from work and I just have to get this off my chest (although for Leila's Mommy this story might be a repeat).

Today my boss and some other managers were eating lunch in my office (shared with 4 other people) and she began talking about her newest grandchildren. Her daughter had twins (a boy and a girl) a month before Mackenzie was due. She told everyone how one of the little boy's ears was bent down a little and she was going on and on with "isn't that SO SAD?!" and "I think he should get plastic surgery to make it look better." She went on for what seemed like an eternity about how absolutely sad it was that her grandson had an imperfect ear (and I've seen pictures...no one would even notice). Finally I had to leave the room.

I just cannot comprehend how someone can sit in the same room as me and act as if a slight imperfection on a baby's ear is a tragedy.

I could have told her about how Mackenzie had a spot bigger than a quarter on her right check that was raw looking because her skin had already started to come off. Or how there were several other similar places on her little chest and torso, too. I could have told her that Mackenzie's head was indented from the birthing process and because no blood was flowing up there. I could have told her how I watched Mackenzie's face begin to crumple in on itself the longer I held her.

I didn't say anything though. Frankly, I probably couldn't.

These people don't even know what "sad" is. And most of the time I'm glad they don't because I wouldn't wish baby loss on anyone. But sometimes it's hard being inside my head. I'm ALWAYS thinking about Mackenzie. Everything anyone says is filtered through my brain and always gets compared to Mackenzie, or to my loss, or to my grief. It's weird, but that's how it is for me.

Basically what I wish she knew is that I would take any physical imperfection over not having Mackenzie. If Mackenzie had no ears at all, or a missing a finger, or a terrible birthmark, or was blind in one eye, etc. I'd rather give up my ears or fingers or eyesight to have her here. Hell, I'd trade my own life in a heartbeat so that she could be here with her daddy and grandparents so they wouldn't have to suffer anymore.

What I'm saying is that I don't give a rats ass about my boss' grandson's slightly bent ear. And if she'd ever experienced anything similar to what I have...what all of us have...she wouldn't give a shit either.