This post is inspired by Leila's Mommy asking me if I've had the courage to go through Mackenzie's things...
Last weekend my parents took me shopping for a chest to store everything I wanted to save as keepsakes of Mackenzie's short time with us. I want to save her bedding (because even though she never got to use it...it was hers and no one will ever use it), special outfits (things I picked out especially with her in mind), etc. Anyways, we picked out a chest and my parents bought it for me. We are going to stain it a darker color and have it upholstered on the inside with ladybug fabric.
So once I brought the chest home, my husband asked when I was going to go through her stuff and begin putting it away in the chest. I told him I don't plan on doing that anytime soon. Not only am I not ready to "put her away," I also don't see any need. We don't need her room for anything. I want it to stay like it is unless we need it for another baby. If God allows me to get pregnant with another baby, that's when I will begin to pack up her things to make room for her brother or sister. I told my husband that if we never get to have another baby, then I will never undo her room. I think he thought I was crazy. I guess I didn't realize that anyone would expect me to put her stuff away as soon as we got the keepsake chest. If that's the case, then I'll take it back. I don't want any pressure about this. So I'm putting my foot down. The room stays as is until I say so. I dread the thought of packing up her stuff enough as it is. The only thing that's going to bring me to makeover the room is if there is another baby kicking around in my belly. That's the only reason I think is good enough for packing her stuff up. I don't want that room for storage (the thought of that just made me start my usual sob fest and put that painful knot in my throat). All I want to use that room for is a nursery. I really don't think that's too much to ask...considering.
I'm going to bed. If I dwell on this too long I'll be crying too hard to get to sleep.
Love you Mackenzie <3
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I don't think this sounds crazy at all. In fact I know what you mean. We never got around to getting my girls' room together, so I don't have that issue, but I do have their things everywhere. They just sit in the same spot they were in on the dreadful day. I can't bear to move them or put their things away, I feel like that is too final. I will do it someday I am sure, but right now I am not ready.
ReplyDeletexx,
Tina
I went shopping for a chest three months after I lost Hope, and ran out of the shop crying. It was like picking a coffin for her all over again. Her room remains as is, nearly 12 months on. Yes, it appears if all is well in another three months, it will get used again. But I'm with you, the room stays. Her things stay. I'm not ready to put any of it away, and I'm not sure I ever will be. I still have the cards up, now completely covered in dust. We each do what we have to do to survive. You're not alone.
ReplyDeleteHi there, I came across your blog from Bree's, and wanted to just say I am very sorry for your loss of MacKenzie, she is a beautiful angel baby. You are doing great things to honor her. Sending hugs, Nan
ReplyDeleteI'm totally on your side. You should keep MacKenzie's things out as long as you desire. We never got to the point of preparing a nursery for Ella, but I had a few outfits and things hanging in my closet. I haven't moved anything. I love to go in my closet and look at her things. In fact, I have spent many hours on the floor of my closet just so that I could be near her things.
ReplyDeleteThank you for visiting my blog. I'm so sorry you've joined this club. I have found so much support here and I'm sure you will too. We're here for you!
i think getting a chest is a wonderful idea, but i understand not wanting to fill it yet. you're not ready yet and nobody should push you to do it. Leila and i were going to share a room and co-sleep, and thankfully my best friend packed up all of her things in boxes and will keep them for me when i move all of my things out of her house next week. i can't even look at them. i only looked in the storage once to get bag full of gifts from my registry to return to my aunt. that was dreadful. i'm nowhere near being ready either.
ReplyDeleteI'm still waiting for my memory box to put Carleigh's things in. Right now they are in a tote. My aunt and uncle are making hers and I can't wait until it is done. I just know it is going to be so beautiful. I think it's good to have a special place for all their things. I don't blame you for wanting to keep here nursery up.
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