I just need to talk it out...

A friend of mine invited me to a movie tonight, so I decided to go...even though I would rather stay home. I guess these days I'd always rather stay home. Anyways, the movie was fine. On the way home I was thinking about Mackenzie and how if she were here I'd never be at a movie on a Monday night. Then I imagined...what if...what if I was really just out for a girl's night as a treat from my husband after 7 long weeks with a newborn baby and that I was really on my way home to find my husband holding Mackenzie on the couch watching TV and waiting for me. What if I could just go home to the normal, amazing life I had been planning for 10 months?

Well I can't. I will never come home to Mackenzie. Instead I just get to stop by the cemetery and visit her small space in the ground.

I did stop by the cemetery since it was on my way home. It was late so I really couldn't see anything. I did find the wooden ladybug I'd placed out there had broken off the stick. Great.

Then I get home and check the mail and again I am greeted with baby flyers, Babies R Us ads, and a survey that wants my opinion as a parent. Screw that. My opinion? There should be some sort of opt out option on all of these shitty mailings for people whose babies died. What kind of endless torture is this???

By the time I walk in the house I've been a sobbing mess for 30 minutes already. My poor husband. I bet he thought I would come home cheery and refreshed from time out with friends. I just got in bed and cried. He tried to comfort me. He said "I thought you'd have fun with your friends." I don't want to have fun with my friends I told him. I could care less if I even had friends if I could trade them all for Mackenzie. It's not fun to see my friend carrying a baby girl around in her belly. It's not fun to be jealous of her when she's been such a good friend and was the only friend there for me at the hospital. Nothing about my life is fun. Anything that would have been fun has a big, ugly, dark cloud looming above it. After everything "fun" I feel guilty.

Oh, and one more thing. When I first started reading these blogs I thought it was crazy that mothers who lost babies could be thinking about getting pregnant again so soon. I'm sorry for thinking that. I now know what it feels like. I also feel this insatiable need to be pregnant again. It's overwhelming. It's the only thing I have to look forward to now. I've given myself a goal. I want to lose the baby weight and get in shape by January 1, 2010 and then if we are ready emotionally I want to start ttc again. I was just so ready to start a family and I know how long it can take to conceive and how long 9 months of pregnancy will feel. I'd start trying again now if I wasn't so concerned about my weight. I gained 80 pounds with Mackenzie. I've got 50 more to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I do not want to gain that much weight ever again, so I want to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight and work hard to only gain the recommended weight next time. I guess that means I need to dust off the treadmill and put down the Dr.Pepper...