I haven't posted in a while because my husband found my blog and read it. I really didn't want him to because I just hate for people I know to read my writing. It makes me feel stupid for some reason. Anyways, writing on here and reading other peoples blogs is helping me so I'm going to try and pretend he's not reading :) But I know how nosy you are, Mike. Love you.
Monday was two months since we met Mackenzie. Sunday was two months since we found out she was dead. Sunday we went to the cemetery and I kind of broke down. Sometimes being there doesn't bother me and other times it just hurts so much to think that she's in a tiny baby casket while we stand above her. I cried myself to sleep that night and it's nights like that when I wonder if I'll ever be ok.
Today I stopped at Hobby Lobby on my way home from work. I wanted to buy some stuff to try out a craft I'd seen online, but I got distracted. Instead, I walked every single aisle searching for ladybug stuff. $40 later and I'd bought a lot of scrapbooking stickers, some wooden ladybugs, a ladybug stamp, a ladybug piggy bank, and a ladybug cake pan. I bought the cake pan with the intentions of making her a ladybug birthday cake every year. I almost started crying right there just at the thought that next year I will be baking a cake for my baby that she'll never get to eat. I wonder if I'll cry the whole time I'm baking it. Right now I'd say that's probably exactly what I'll do.
While down one of the scrapbooking aisles I heard someone say Mackenzie. It was a little boy talking to his mom & sister about some girl named Mackenzie at his school. I seriously wonder what it means when things like that happen. It seems like it's on purpose. I mean what are the odds? Before I named Mackenzie I hadn't met or heard of anyone with that name since I was in elementary school. So what's the deal?
As I made my way around the store I saw that they had already started putting out Christmas stuff. What the hell? It's freaking August! If there is one thing I am dreading more than anything in my life right now it's Christmas. I know Christmas is going to hit me so hard. I wish we could skip Christmas this year. We probably could if it weren't for my stepchildren. And my cousin just found out she is pregnant so she'll be showing in December. That's just what I need is to have a pregnant belly staring back at me while I'm missing my baby. I keep thinking that maybe this will be the only Christmas we have to endure without a baby and that maybe by next Christmas I'll have Mackenzie's brother or sister to spoil. I dread even getting out the Christmas decorations because we had a tiny stocking for her last year while she was in my belly and we had "parents-to-be" ornaments, etc. Ugh!!!! I just want to scream! Today at the store I saw baby Christmas ornaments and almost had a hysterical fit right there. Just seeing them made my throat tighten up and tears well up in my eyes. I closed my eyes and walked past them. I want to have a special little Christmas tree just for her and buy her an ornament every year. Now I'm wondering if I can even do it. I'm not even sure I could look at ornaments, let alone pick one out for her without becoming an emotional lunatic right there in the store. Maybe I should shop online and order one.
Oh, and tomorrow the girl at my work (who I share an office with) who was due two weeks before Mackenzie (and actually had her baby on her exact due date) with her own baby girl is coming back from maternity leave. This could be a total nightmare. It's possibly the worst situation I could be in. We basically went through pregnancy together. Both first time moms with baby girls. Due within two weeks of each other. We had our work baby shower jointly. We went to each others baby showers. And she got to keep her baby. Now, for as long as we both work there, every milestone she has with her baby will remind me that I would have been experiencing that exact same thing with Mackenzie. God help me tomorrow. I haven't cried at work yet and I'd like to keep it that way. Wish me luck.
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I will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteHi sweetie,
ReplyDeleteHope all goes ok today at work, I can understand your anxiety about it. I myself have a 7 month prego girl here at work and I know it sounds awful but I can't wait for her to go out on leave so I don't have to "see" her for awhile. Sorry you are having a rough time, and I think hubby reading your posts will help him understand exactly what you are going through when you aren't always able to talk about it - my hubby reads mine. Prayers for a good day today, and a little less of a heavy heart. Break down at any time if you need to! Hugs, Nan xo
I hope you have a good day and that your co-worker is sensitive to your situation...but doesn't ignore your sweet girl. xx
ReplyDeleteI'll keep you in my prayers. I hope you have the strength today to make it through the day with breaking down. And I agree with Nan, maybe it's a good thing that your husband is reading your blog, it will help him understand how you're feeling. I know it's kinda weird, my mom reads my blog and I am uncomfortable about it but I can't tell her not to read it.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya about Christmas, I'm not looking forward to it either.
Shelly
I think when you heard Mackenzie's name in the store, it was your lil' ladybug trying to let you know that she's thinking of you, too...
ReplyDeleteI hope that your co-worker spares your feelings by talking about her baby when you're not around. It would be plain evil if she does not.
I feel you on the whole Christmas thing. My family does it big every Thanksgiving because it is our annual family reunion. That time last year was when I started showing in my pregnancy. I'm dreading it.
((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteI didn't show my blog to my husband for like two months. Finally, I broke down and shared it with him because I felt like I was keeping something from him and felt guilty about it.
ReplyDeleteI love that you went crazy buying ladybug stuff. Good for you! If it is a source of comfort for you right now, do it. I did the same thing with pineapple stuff after my dad died and now with butterflies for Ella. The cake pan sounds adorable. I need to look for a butterfly one.
I'm praying that all goes well at work tomorrow for you. I too shared my pregnancy with my co-worker who was ten weeks behind me. I never went back to work, but I went to visit a couple of times and cried my eyes out each time I saw her belly. I'm hoping your co-worker is smart enough to acknowledge the pain you must be feeling and offer some comfort to you. Let us know how it goes.
I totally understand wanting to keep something for yourself and not sharing it. Unfortunately that isn't the case in with my blog since I created it to keep everyone updated on my pregnancy with Carleigh. I've said some things apparently that got taken the wrong way but that's what you get when you read Carleigh's blog. I'm not going to sugarcoat things to make people feel better.
ReplyDeleteYou know, that is a really neat idea make the same cake each year. I never thought of that but I think I might take that idea! I think it would make a great tradition.
Oh my gosh that's gonna be so hard having your coworker back. I really hope it goes at least somewhat ok.
Thank you so much for your comment and I'm sorry that you are on this road too. Mackenzie is so precious!!
I am so sorry. The first 6 months were the worst, you are so brave to be back at work, I still have not felt up to going back. I hope your coworker respects your feelings. ((hugs))
ReplyDeletewell you almost made me feel bad for a minute for reading this. nothing I've read is or sounds stupid so hush! :) It helps those of us that care about you greatly to know exactly what you're going through, which I've wondered alot about but it's hard to ask because I don't want to upset you more. love you girl!
ReplyDelete