Our Story (What I've Written So Far)

On Tuesday (June 16, 2009) I went to work excited because I had a doctor’s appointment at 1:30 pm with an ultrasound & a non-stress test (NST). More importantly, I was going to ask my doctor to induce me within the week because I was already 4 days past my due date and I was terribly uncomfortable (most likely due to the 75 pounds I’d gained during my pregnancy & the fact that my baby was already weighing 9 lbs). At work around 11 am I noticed that I hadn’t felt her move like I normally do, but I hadn’t eaten anything all day either so I decided to eat my breakfast tacos to wake her up. That didn’t really seem to work, so I went to the bathroom because she always kicked me when I was trying to pee. I still didn’t feel anything, so I sat there and poked and rubbed on my belly for a few minutes. Still nothing. I didn’t freak out or anything though because I had felt her move a couple times earlier in the day and the doctor told me just to make sure she moves 20 times a day. It was only noon, so I figured there were plenty more hours left in the day for her to reach 20. Pretty soon it was time for me to leave for my appointment and I told my boss & co-workers that I hoped I didn’t see them again for 8 weeks (since I was hoping the doc would agree to induce me).

On my way to the doctor’s office I rubbed and poked at my belly and half way there I felt a kick. That put my mind at ease. My husband, Mike, met me at the doctor’s office and we headed in for the ultrasound. The first thing the ultrasound technician did was check my fluid levels. My doctor had been keeping an eye on that because for a while there I had too much fluid. After she got the measurements she spent a long time going over and over my belly with the ultrasound wand. I was too afraid to ask what she was looking for. Then she told my husband to get up and stand by my side while she left the room for a minute. We were both confused. She told us she was having a hard time finding a heart beat and needed to get my doctor. She left us in that dark room for what seemed like an eternity (but was probably more like 10 minutes). I was starting to panic and I was getting angry that she just left us in that room alone after saying something as critical as “I’m having a hard time locating a heart beat.” Finally I sent Mike out to go find her and see what the hell was going on. It felt like another eternity while I was lying on that table waiting for Mike to come back. I put my hands in the goo on my belly and started pressing around, being very still, and praying to feel some movement. Nothing. Mike came back in and put his hands on my belly too. He asked me if I’d been feeling her move today and I told him I thought I felt her three times; Twice that morning at work, and once on the drive over to the doctor’s office. That seemed to put his mind at ease, but not mine. I was starting to doubt myself. Had I really felt her move at all today? Was it all in my head? The ultrasound tech came back in to let me know that the doctor was on his way. He was headed back to the office after performing a c-section over at the hospital. I was furious. I told her that was too long to have to wait. “Do you think she’s dead?” I asked her. She said she didn’t know and that I would just have to wait for the doctor and left the room again. It dawned on me that the doctor was probably the only one that was allowed to tell a patient that their baby had died. I don’t think it had dawned on Mike. He held my hand and told me everything was going to be ok. I just stared up at the ceiling. I started to cry, but then I stopped quickly. Why was I crying? There’s no way she’s dead. It’s not possible. Finally my doctor and the ultrasound tech came into the room.

He looked at the screen and said, “We’re not able to locate any heart tones.”

“Can’t you do a c-section right now? Isn’t there anything you can do?”

He told me no, they couldn’t and that it was too late and that he was sorry.

“So she’s dead?!”

And I can’t remember his exact response, but ultimately it was yes.

“You’re kidding me, right?” I was in shock.

“I would never kid about something like this,” he said.

And I don’t even remember if I started to cry. I don’t remember what I was feeling besides shock. It felt surreal. It was impossible to me that the baby inside me was dead. The doctor started explaining to me that they would take us into a room to explain our options. On our way to the room I was bawling. I’m sure they wished I’d be quiet. I’m sure I was scaring the other patients. We got into the room and sat down and I cried and cried and told Mike how sorry I was. I just kept telling him I was sorry. Mike and the doctor kept telling me that it wasn’t my fault. That it wasn’t anyone’s fault. That I didn’t need to be sorry. But I was sorry…I am still sorry. Then my focus changed and I was telling the doctor to get her out. “You have to get her out of me. Right now. You have to get her out.” I was freaked out at the thought of having a dead baby inside me. He told me that we were going to discuss my options. I thought to myself, “What options? Cut me open. Get her out. That’s it.” But that wasn’t it. Apparently it was better for me to have her naturally. “How cruel!” I thought. I could not imagine going through labor to deliver a dead baby. He said it was safer for me and would cause fewer problems when I had more babies. I remember thinking to myself that I never wanted to have more babies. I trusted him though so I agreed to it. He went on to tell me that we would check into the hospital at 5 PM and they would insert some sort of gel to dilate me, and that in the morning he would come to deliver the baby. He said we’d be able to hold her after she was born and I was horrified at the thought of holding a dead baby. Hold her? I didn’t even want to see her. I just couldn’t imagine looking at, let alone holding, a dead baby. He asked me to undress so he could check to see if I was dilated any and left the room. I undressed quickly. I wanted this all over with quickly. He came back in and checked me. I don’t think I’d made much, if any, progress from last weeks check up. He stepped out and I got dressed. When he came back in he told us that they would insert the gel to dilate me at 5 PM. He said we could go over to the hospital right away, but that he was afraid I’d end up sitting around in the maternity ward waiting for a room to become available. He said we could go home if we wanted. We could walk around the mall. I still don’t understand how he could have possibly suggested we walk around the mall, but at the time I didn’t really care what he was saying. Sometime during all this talk he suggested that we have an autopsy done and we agreed. He tried to comfort us by saying that it could have happened after she was born and then it might be more painful because we got that time to get to know her. At the time that did seem logical to me, but now I don’t agree. I don’t think I hurt any less because I never got to meet her alive. I’m not sure which would be worse or if they are equal, but I do know that I mourn never getting to hear her cry, never getting to see her with her eyes open, never having her grasp my finger with her little hand, never getting to bathe her, never getting to dress her, etc.
After all the formalities were over we left the doctor’s office. We had taken two cars and Mike decided to drive us in my car because he didn’t think I was in any condition to drive. We decided that since it was only 3 PM that we would go home and wait until they were ready for us at the hospital at 5 PM. I don’t remember crying on the drive home. I was in shock. I think we both were. Neither of us could decide how we were going to tell anyone. It seemed so inappropriate to call my parents on the phone to tell them their first grandchild had died. I needed them to be with me though. Once we got to the house Mike called my dad. I don’t know what the conversation was like because I was inside and Mike made all the phone calls outside in our garage away from me. I was so sorry that he had to do that. I am still sorry that he had to do that. I decided to take a shower and change clothes before going to the hospital. When I got out I just sat on the couch in the living room and stared at the TV that wasn’t even on. The garage door opened and my mom, dad, and brother came in. They were all crying so hard. I had maybe seen my dad cry once at his sister’s funeral, but this was different. He was bawling. It was the worst sound I’ve ever heard. My mom sat to my left and my dad to my right and I just cried into my mom’s arms. I couldn’t believe it. I felt like I had let them all down. Everyone loved Mackenzie so much already and now what? Shortly after that my grandparents arrived at my house. I had never seen my grandpa cry. We all sat around and cried. I don’t remember much of what was even talked about during that hour or so. I remember Mike telling my parents that the doctor said we could hold her once she was born, but that I had said I didn’t want to. My mom seemed shocked at that and said that she wanted to hold her. Soon it was time to make our way to the hospital. I grabbed my favorite pillow and blanket and we left. On my way to the hospital I texted 5 of my friends, “I cannot say this on the phone. They couldn’t find a heartbeat. I have to deliver her stillborn in the morning.”